Someone tell me this is wrong

[Skye80]

I've been with my partner on and off for nearly 5 years. We have a 2 year old ds. He has a 7 year old Dd from a previous relationship.

The reason we were on and off was for various different reasons but mainly grief which he has now dealt with. He didn't treat me great but since we've tried again the last year has been great.

We don't live together just yet but he does spend some time here and alls been going well.

This is where it gets complicated. He didn't see his dd for 3 years because his ex made up a lot of lies and kept her from him. He spent all of his savings fighting through the courts with social services etc involved and now he sees her once every 2 weeks. I've only met her once as I am cautious that they have to build up a relationship however my ds, her grandparents, aunts etc have all met her.

I've been really paranoid the last few days so I did something I've never done and looked at his phone. There's nothing to suggest he's cheating etc but what I did find was that his ex thinks we're not together! She took issue with the fact that I met her once and told my DP that she doesn't want me meeting her again because I'm not a permeant fixture!

I really don't mind not meeting her right now properly, that's completely understandable but what's got me is his ex doesn't realise we're together and he hasn't corrected her! I know he's not said it coz he wants anything to do with her and is just afraid of jeopardising his time with his DS but surely he should be honest and tell her?

I'm so upset now and just feel like walking away. If he is painting me to be an ex then I just feel like making it a reality. I've put up with so much over the years and this has just tipped me over the edge. If I mention it to him he'll get defensive and nothing will work out, I'll get no apology or anything, possibly all I'll get it 'well I need to protect my relationship with my daughter', which is fine but why lie? I appreciate we've been on and off but I'm the mother of his child and have been with him pretty much 5 years. I just feel like his dirty little secret and think I deserve better than to be lied to and be lied about..

So what happens when these children find out that their parent has always been in a relationship with someone else and they never knew about it?

Anyone who thinks that It's possible to maintain a life where they will forever be a secret is delusional. One day the children will find out, and that will cause far more of a rift when they find out their dad has a secret wife than if there had been transparency all along.

My DHs DCs know I'm still a part of his life. They know we live together and are married.
DH refers to me, and things we've done together - in the OPs case, she is the 'mum' of the DCs half brother, so it's natural for her to be mentioned.

But, because my DHs ex didn't know what his relationship with me was, she didn't quiz the DCs about it. She didn't ask 'had they seen me?', they didn't get 20 questions, because she didn't know I was still a part of DHs life so didn't try and find out if I was involved in contact.

I don't know if DHs ex knows we are married. She knows we live together now. But DH didn't tell her - and when the DCs were younger he did mislead get in order to protect the DCs.

Does the ex actually know you have a child together ? Or does he tell
her he's just looking after this little boy for a friend ?

I would be upset too and it would make me doubt things.

footle The Ex knows her DD has met the OP, but believes they have split. The OP isn't a secret - it's just that the ex has been misled into thinking the OP is in the past.

No, I agree with you OP. This is all shades of wrong. He is going to continue to tell lie after lie to cover his tracks which are eventually going to snowball and ultimately be used against him by his ex as another example of why he isn't trustworthy.

I don't think it is entirely about him doing what he needs to do as a father to see his DD. I think these lies and false promises that you will never see his DD are not in either of the children's interests in the long term. I also get how you've been made to feel like a dirty secret, as the mother of his child in a 5 year relationship. And actually, after that amount of time together and a child, it has fuck all to do with her who he introduces DD to in his contact time. Why is he allowing her to dictate his life, and in turn your life? These secrets and lies cannot continue, they are absolutely not conducive for a healthy environment for anyone in this scenario.

Why is he allowing her to dictate his life, and in turn your life?

When a mother is willing to make false allegations of substance abuse in order to block contact, it becomes less about what is "right" and "fair" and all about what is least worst for the DCs.

The OP says her DHs mental health has suffered as a result of court action and conflict over contact with his DCs.
Lying to his ex is a protection mechanism - both for the DCs and himself.

Of course, if the OP has reason to believe he not committed to her and is lying for that reason, then she has a relationship problem. But, lying to his ex about his current relationship is not in itself a red flag, in my opinion.

OP I am presuming that because your dp has gone through the courts to see his dd then he shoudn't be living in fear of what his ex says and does - does he have a child arrangements order in place? if so then she really can't mess him around r.e access to his daughter.

It sounds like he is being a bit spineless. You shouldn't have to be a dirty little secret! I agree that its none of his ex's business what he does and who is is with, but he shouldn't be actively lying that he isn't with you. Its asking for trouble when you do eventually move in together.

Timefora he has already been through the family courts. Being in a relationship or not being in a relationship with the mother of his younger child is absolutely not going to change the Court's view re the contact already granted. This behaviour is just perpetuating the dynamic in their relationship, which 3 years of court proceedings should have eliminated.

Bit suspicious of the DP TBH. Isn't it odd that he tries so hard to get access, spending a lot of money through the courts, yet he let his present DS, who he lived with at one time, slip through the net also? So determined for access, yet not so determined to make sure that he treats the mother of his current child with respect, so less time with another. Seems he may prefer being a part-time Dad to managing the role full-time.

I put that badly, obviously his DS is a current child, but YKWIM.

does he have a child arrangements order in place? if so then she really can't mess him around r.e access to his daughter.

Of course she can! This is a woman who made false allegations of substance abuse in order to prevent contact. She placed not only his relationship with his DD at risk, but his relationship, job, security and mental health.

What on earth makes you think that such a woman would say "oh, ok, the court says I have to stick to the order, so I will". ?

My DHs ex argued with the magistrate when he ordered her to attend the Separated Parents programme. She told the court that she "would think about it". The court advised (but did not order) DH to keep his relationship with me away from the DCs in order to avoid his ex preventing contact and leading to further court hearings.

Women who are willing to go to such lengths to prevent their DCs parent having contact don't care about the damage it does to the DCs. So the other parent has to decide whether to pursue what is "fair" or to accommodate their ex's demands in order to minimise the damage.

DD ffs!

I understand he has to lie to maintain the relationship with his daughter but I think it's totally out of order that he didn't sit down with you OP and explain the situation. He should've told you the truth.

One day this will all come out (probably through the children) and the ex will be even more furious with you, and with him, and will probably stop contact all over again. Your boyfriend has been extremely immature to deal with the situation like this.

He probably shouldn't have had another child while contact with his first was in dispute. But given that he has, he needs to act in a way that is
In the best interest of both his children. Debying that he is in a relationship with the mother of his youngest child, even down to making up new lies to keep up the pretence, is horrible for that child. And disrespectful of him towards everyone involved.

If it were really absolutely essential that he hid his relationship with you from his ex then why wouldn't he have discussed it with you? And made sure you were in on what was being said?

I question his commitment to your relationship. But I hope I'm wrong.

All I think you can do is tell him you know. Tell him that you're unhappy with being treated like his dirty secret, and that too many people know about you for this to work long term. Demand a timeline for moving in together and what he's going to say to the ex. It probably needs to start soon. And evidence that he has.

If he makes it your fault or all about his other child then you'll know he doesn't really plan to ever move in with you and you can decide whether you want to move on with your life and just coparent with him.

So I text him and told him. I made it very clear I wasn't arguing with him but it wasn't fair to lie about me or why he has my car. I explained it was very hurtful and unfair and that whilst I support his decision for now he should have discussed it with me first.

I text him because he's not one that will sit and talk and the only way I can fully get my point across is to text him.

His reply:

I'm not arguing, I've had a shit enough day as it is.

What the actual F.

In other words, stfu.

He's replied again saying he doesn't speak about me that he tells her whah she needs to know in order to facilitate his seeing his Dd. And is then now having a go at me for looking at his phone.

He doesn't see he's done anything wrong at all.

That sounds shit, Skye, sorry.

Perhaps leave it for a while to see if his attitude changes when your thoughts on the matter have sunk in.

Would he go to relationship counselling with you?

Nope he wouldn't, he needed counselling for is own issues and wouldn't even go.

I've ended it, I won't be treated like that by him after all I've done for him and all he's put me though.

Good, cut contact now.

Was going to post to say this is all going to come out at some point and the lies will make it a lot worse.

But having seen your update, maybe this is for the best. He sounds incredibly flakey.

Do get maintenance sorted asap.