What if you haven't treated him nicely either?

[Pheonix1102]

Okay so I'm apparently having my moment.

I recently posted some threads about ex moving OW in and keen to introduce DC, all his rubbish still plaguing the house here etc.

If I was to make a list of pros and cons of being without him, I certainly should be celebrating already. BUT why do I suddenly feel so sad?

One thought that has been in my mind for a while is that I hadn't really treated him well either. Yes he cheated in a horrible manner and no excuse for that. Just looking back I also feel the guilt for my own behaviour which sometimes was not more glamorous than cheating.
I guess I feel sad that now there's no way to go back to rectify that even if he would still cheat anyway at least I could say I have done my best for the marriage/family.
Thing is I haven't.

I think it's just part of the grieving process
You do get over it though!

I think that's the first time I've ever seen this on MN after nearly 6 years. In a sea of LTB, it is refreshing to see someone accept that it takes two to make or break a relationship. It happens, it's in the past. No point dwelling on it. Learn from it and move on.

What was your behaviour?
In what way did you not treat him nicely?

it takes two to make or break a relationship
It takes two to make a relationship, but one person can break it all on their own.

I think when any relationship ends you always think to yourself but it was good that time and that time, sometimes I think we only remember the good in our heads. In hindsight we've all looked back and thought well maybe if I've treated my partner better then and then.

As pp said it's just a grieving process and in time you will feel better about it. I know it's an old cliche but time really does heal.

I think that's the first time I've ever seen this on MN after nearly 6 years. In a sea of LTB, it is refreshing to see someone accept that it takes two to make or break a relationship.

Seriously? You've never seen threads with women trying to work out how to be "better" to fix their relationship. Lots of self recriminations. You think it's refreshing to see someone berating herself after her husband cheated.

OP sorry you're feeling sad. No one is perfect in a relationship.

It doesn't sound like the OP is berating herself. Merely acknowledging in a mature and to-be-respected way that she played a part in the relationship breakdown (even if not in the break up).

Sometimes people who have affairs aren't treated well by their primary partners - it never excuses it but it is often overlooked.

OP - that sadness is horrible. Is the marriage 100% over or do you hold any hope of reconciliation?

Good luck

I agree with Imscarlet. Affairs are often the end result of one of the partners being unhappy in the relationship. They may have tried many times to tell the other why they are unhappy but had it fall upon deaf ears or unwillingness to be taken seriously. Sometimes when one partner feels so neglected or not important then they can be attracted to someone else who appears to offer what they feel they are missing. Before they know it a line has been crossed and they have developed feelings for that person that cannot be ignored. They feel that as they have such strong feelings of love for another that the primary relationship is over. Of course not all affairs are the same.
I have seen many women who have had their partners leave them for another women realise at some point, after they have got over the shock of their partner having an affair, that when they look back they can see that they played a part in the downfall of the relationship. Sometimes this information enables them to discuss this breakdown with the partner and they can find a way back after much talking has ensued. Affairs can be a huge wakeup call for a relationship that has lost its way.
Sometimes affairs are just because that person was always going to have an affair no matter who he is with and doesnt need any reason.
Realising that you didnt treat him well shows maturity and if your relationship has no chance then you can use that experience when you move on to a new relationship and be more aware of how you treat a new partner.

Great post jemima