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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do?

17 replies

dontmentionit · 14/07/2016 20:03

Been with hubby 20 years , childhood sweethearts, love him very much, however, he has had patches of jealousy, possessiveness, he gets angry at a drop of a hat, sometimes feel like I'm treading on eggshells. I am thinking about separation , I'm confident to be on my own , not fussed with being single as such, just the financial side puts me off, struggling financially with 2 children . Am I shallow? Would you stay or go ?

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 14/07/2016 20:04

Walking on eggshells is a waste of a life!

princessmi12 · 14/07/2016 20:08

I don't think you are shallow, based on what you are saying here .
Ask yourself this question :do you see yourself in same situation 20 years from now and can you live life like this day in day out?
If the answer is no then you know what to do

Original poster

dontmentionit · 14/07/2016 21:34

That's a really good way of looking at it Princess., need to have a ponder. .. The sad thing is I have ( only recently) seen all close males in family behave like this. My mum was controlling too, she used to manipulate to get what she wanted. If only I had seen this 10 years ago, would never have married him 😕

OP posts:

Newbienew · 14/07/2016 21:53

You say you are childhood sweethearts and that you love him very much..isn't that a good start to try and work out the issues?

Newbienew · 14/07/2016 21:55

If it's patches of jealousy and possessiveness and anger have you both tried to work out why? Is there a common link with these spells ?

SandyY2K · 14/07/2016 22:31

Does he know how you feel about his anger and jealousy?

If he changed would you be happy with him?

If you would be happy if he stopped that behaviour, then make it very clear to him that you are seriously considering the future of your marriage because of xyz reasons.

He then can't say he wasn't warned or given a chance to change. If you do this... make sure you follow through with it and do seperate.

That's not to say you can't get back to work on it,.but you need to show you were deadly serious.

I can't imagine a relationship where I'm walking on eggshells though. That must be awfully stressful.

Original poster

dontmentionit · 14/07/2016 22:41

He does know how I feel. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong as when he gets angry, it's not aimed at me. When he swears, it's not directly at me so in his eyes he's doing nothing wrong.

The rest of the time he's lovely, and I would stay if he wasn't do angry.

OP posts:

Newbienew · 14/07/2016 23:31

Is he always angry or just now and again?

And if it's been like this for 10 years what's prompted your questioning to stay or leave ?

Princesspinkgirl · 14/07/2016 23:48

Difficult as you been together so long but if unhappy then you need to do what's best for you

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2016 09:43

Is he angry around others?
I think you've been conditioned over the years but it's hard to tell from what you have written.
What happens when he gets angry?
What does he do?
Would he agree to attend an anger management course?
Is that the only thing that is a deal-breaker?

Original poster

dontmentionit · 15/07/2016 13:49

Thank you for your replies. He still gets angry around others, he shouts , swears ( around kids too) . He is steadily getting worse I think, he's always had a short fuse, would say every week or so he flares up.

I've always made excuses for him - he's tired, stressed , needs a holiday etc but after being away a week, 5 mins in and he's pissed off again, I'm thinking there's a bit more to it.
I need to look into booking specific anger management. Think he would reluctantly go...

OP posts:

Resilience16 · 15/07/2016 21:32

If he accepts he has a problem and is willing to seek help then you may have a future together.
If he doesn't see he has a problem, or he doesn't accept that his behaviour is damaging your relationship then you need to decide whether you want to stay and walk on eggshells forevermore, or get out.
I think it is worrying that you say he is getting steadily worse and that he knows how you feel but still carries choosing to behave like this.
Try keeping a little log of every time he blows up and why. It's easy to try and minimise EA behaviour, especially when you have an EA background, but when you write it down in black and white you can really see how skewed your relationship has become.
Good luck x

Original poster

dontmentionit · 15/07/2016 22:43

Thank you resilience, great advice

OP posts:

Summerlovinf · 15/07/2016 23:50

treading on eggshells constantly is exhausting and as you say, he's getting worse. I know what I would do, because I did, end the relationship. That's my story though and what you do is up to you. I'd recommend getting rid of angry, possessive men. In my story, I'm a new woman and the kids are doing fine.

Summerlovinf · 15/07/2016 23:51

I got therapy to help me decide what to do- it was invaluable.

Original poster

dontmentionit · 16/07/2016 19:07

So pleased you have a positive end to that chapter in your life. Did you remain friends or cut off completely? Did the finances work?
Didn't think of counselling for myself to help make the decision .

OP posts:

Summerlovinf · 18/07/2016 09:33

I'm 5 years on now. I would not say I am friends with my ex but things are amicable enough now. The finances worked out...that was a challenging time but it all worked out and both moved on. I wouldn't keep in touch with him now were it not for the kids.

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