What just happened?

[BacktoZak]

Hi wise ones
I've just come out of a 16 month relationship (I instigated the break up about two weeks ago) because I was starting to feel completely unhappy & highly emotional whenever I was in the company of my partner.
From the beginning it was a weird one. I'm trying to understand his behaviour & my behaviour & am gonna try & condense. Think it'd really help me to move on to try & understand WHY it went so wrong. I still feel like I've thrown away something good coz everyone thought he was the bees knees!
Here's some of the 'highlights'...
One month in We went to the pub. We got drunk. I was SO into him & told him so (just 'you're really lovely' kinda stuff) & he totally freaked, told me he felt threatened & wouldn't talk to me after. Then behaved like nothing happened the next day.
Four months in He referred to me as his girlfriend in passing so we went away to a hotel & I instigated the 'are we girlfriend/boyfriend now chat' & he said no, the term gf/partner is too possessive & we shouldn't label each other.
Six months in I asked him where we were (I was totally loved up) & he said the sex was good & he liked my company.... I felt really fed up. & ended it as I felt it wasn't going anywhere. He then emailed/texted/begged me to get back with him/sent flowers said he 'thought he might fall in love with me' - i fell for it all & things didn't feel much different
One year in I told him I loved him. He went completely quiet & there was a ridiculous silence before he said ' me too' but I never really felt he did... It all felt so wrong after that -
A few more months plodded by...
Then I started to get really frustrated & angry as I felt it was always me laying my cards on the table & giving.... His sex drive was incredibly high throughout - I felt like he was just in it for the sex much of the time.
Towards the end, I just felt totally unattractive & used - he would often explain to me that a majority of the issues were my fault. He was very 'in touch with his feelings' & knew a lot about psychology.....
I just need to write all this down I think
There was quite a lot more to it but I'm starting to feel a bit about what happened & how to avoid all this in the future- we are both in our 30's with kids-is it that I can't remember how to 'do' relationships anymore? Was I totally uncool instigating these conversations?
Am I destined to never be in a relationship again? Yikes!

I have been on this Relationships board for years. It was my lifeline and I am now reaching the end of my tether. I guess my sympathy is running thin.

I can't understand why this relationship is important to you. He is clearly a knob. Why don't you see this? You are aware of this forum, you have posted on it. Have you learned nothing from reading other posters problems?

There is a painful wealth of experience here. I never posted about my own situation, I didn't feel the need. I learned from other posters sad and abusive situations. I just think that some women need to feel validated by being in a 'relationship' even if it is abusive. It is so so wrong. :(

Hi Claire
Sounds like you misunderstood my post...
I can't understand why this relationship is important to you - it isn't! It's over! Just trying to understand what happened & if he was abusive

He is clearly a knob
I agree

Why don't you see this?
I can!

You are aware of this forum, you have posted on it. Have you learned nothing from reading other posters problems?
Loads. I think the relationships bit is bloody marvellous.

As you were.

Claire, that's a little harsh. The OP needs a space to talk this through and get opinions and validations from others. That is what many people use MN, especially Relationships, for.

Op, well done for seeing the red flags and getting out. Sounds like you are already on the road back to yourself. Stay strong.

Claire, if your patience is wearing so thin you are now posting non constructive posts to slate people asking for advice. I think it's best you hide the relationships boards.

Just because you didn't feel the need to post, op can. She isn't you. That's why these boards are here. If no one ever posted, then there would be no topics for you to of read previously.

Op, I think he just wasn't that into you and was in it for the sex tbh. You can do much better than that!

Sounds like my X, all that fascination with talking about himself! Have you ever read up about narcissism?

Was reading this and wondered if he was a narcissist or had Aspergers
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/316169.html

ClaireVoyante. Nasty & unnecessary. If you feel like that, it's time to take a break from the Relationships board.

BacktoZac I hope he's not called Zac 😁

Yes, you should have told him to Fuck Off around 1 month, but hey, most of us should have done stuff like that, but didn't.

But the important thing is that you are out now. 16 months isn't too bad.

You and you aren't alone need to look at this 'sore paw' thing you've got going on. why are you attracted to men who are 'misunderstood' & why do you feel the need to rescue them? Do you not feel 'good enough' for a confident, strong, healthy (emotionally) man?

You're definitely not a 'fuck up'. He is, for sure!

Put it down to one of those "baffling" relationships. In the end you don't know which way is up. Also great that you didn't hang around for too long, unlike some of us (moi)!

Thanks Extra & Allo
My confidence has certainly taken a bashing so steering clear of any man-related stuff for a while now!
Often basic need for reassurance was met with him just analysing me & compliments were non existent unless sex related. I'm not a particularly needy person but he made me FEEL needy IYSWIM. Grrrrrrr
Anyways, defo not going back there.
Thanks everyone for your help in working this out

Extra,
No he's not called Zak! Ha