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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does he want to stay?

16 replies

user1468400936 · 13/07/2016 10:12

Last year my dh was found out to be messaging other women, he swore blind nothing happened, I was in pieces for a long time but gradually built myself back up. He said he would help but was using private browsing and deleting things so I decided to try with myself and be more independent. I slowly began to realise I would be fine by myself. I told him 2 weeks ago I had no trust for him and I had lost all respect in him. But he still wants to be with me???

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 13/07/2016 10:43

What do you think his reasons might be?

What do you secretly hope they might be?

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 13/07/2016 10:44

He wants to stay with you because:

It's safe and easy - he doesn't have to deal with the chage/find somewhere new to live etc

He doesn't want to face the shame of people finding out what he's done.

It's not so much that he wants to be with you as it is that he doesn't want to deal wih the fallout.

Cabrinha · 13/07/2016 11:39

He thinks you're a mug because you seem to him to have believed or at least decided to accept his lies. And his cheating.
So he gets to keep his easy life, no changes, and can carry on cheating too no doubt.

This all happened last year - tell me, are you still having sex with him, cooking meals for him, ironing clothes for him, getting him birthday presents? I'm guessing yes.

Surely then the answer isn't why he wants to stay, but why would he leave?

Original poster

user1468400936 · 13/07/2016 11:47

Yes I completely understand but If someone said to me they didn't respect me I wouldn't be to carry on! We don't have sex, haven't for months, I told him he was terrible in bed but he still wants to be with me? Has he got no self respect? I would be gone if someone said these things to me!!!!

OP posts:

Razorlightnight · 13/07/2016 12:07

He thinks your lashing out to hurt him. He thinks that if you really thought that way you'd kick him out. Why wouldn't you kick someone out if you felt like that?

Cabrinha · 13/07/2016 12:14

So you would be gone if he said he didn't respect you.
Yet you stayed when he blatantly actually didn't respect you.
I'm surprised at your surprise. Of all people, you must know people have their reasons for staying!

So have you ended it or not?

Original poster

user1468400936 · 13/07/2016 12:44

Yes it's over he's looking for a flat and has moved his things to his family's house, he comes to mine to look after the kids when I'm at work but continues to tell me he loves me and tries to act normal with me?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 13/07/2016 12:58

If you have DC together then perhaps he's worried about losing time with them?

EarthboundMisfit · 13/07/2016 13:34

What does he SAY his reasons are?

Original poster

user1468400936 · 13/07/2016 14:24

He says he only wants me, never meant to hurt me etc, he never wants marriage and a family with anyone else and can only see his life with me and the kids? But he wasn't really thinking that when he was messaging someone else?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 13/07/2016 14:49

No, he wasn't.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 13/07/2016 17:25

Tough shit for him then really, isn't it?

He really should have learnt that actions have consequences before now.

Janey369 · 15/07/2016 13:08

OP I could've written your post. I found out over a year ago and I've asked him to leave so many times but he just wants us to stay together. I'm building up my 'running away' fund and trying to summon the courage to file for divorce
I'm worried he'll contest it and it'll cost me a fortune

Isetan · 15/07/2016 13:29

He's confusing love with not liking facing the consequences of his shitty behaviour. His disrespect of you is only matched by his lack of self respect for himself. How soon do you think he'd be back messaging other women and private browsing if you took his sorry arse back?

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/07/2016 13:34

He has no respect for you, he has shown that clearly. You have said you have no respect for him but you put up with his disrespectful treatment. Words are really worth very little in these scenarios, look at actions.

He will be wondering where your self respect has been all this time, I'm not surprised he doesn't pay any attention to your words.

Don't mean to sound harsh OP but you need to be more self aware or you will end up with another shitty guy next time.

category12 · 15/07/2016 14:17

Yah, mine never wanted to move out either. It wasn't that he didn't love me (as little as that was worth) - it was just he wanted other stuff as well, like to fuck other people and gamble and drink and basically do what he liked...

I think we get sold a pup when we think that the fact they love us is true is supposed to make a difference. It doesn't. Being treated like crap is being treated like crap - love doesn't mean they don't.

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