Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'Lost' relatives want contact with family - your thoughts please (long)

6 replies

antsinmypants · 24/01/2007 13:53

This goes back a long way. Many years ago my grandfather got another woman pregnant while my gran was still pregnant with my mother. He then left my gran and the two children (my mum and aunt) and they never saw him again. They divorced. My mother is now dead, but my gran is very old but still alive and in a nursing home. Out of the blue a letter has arrived from America from my mum and aunt's half-sister, who revealed there are a number of other half-siblings. My aunt wants nothing to do with it, and what happened caused enormous emotional problems for my mother (depression, over-eating, being a shopaholic). My gran has always refused to talk about it. Now this half-sister is very enthusiastic about being in contact with us. She sounds lovely - I have emailed her and my sister has spoken to her - but I do still feel a lot of anger towards the b, her father (and her mother) - now both dead - who caused so much misery amongst the family I know. On the other hand, it's not the American siblings' fault. There's also another concern that I have a very busy life - fulltime job; husband and kids and not enough time to see the relatives I've grown up with and love - the American people are, after all, complete strangers apart from a blood link. Has anyone encountered anything like this and could give me their thoughts? I've searched the net and there's loads of stuff about people searching for long-lost relatives, but nothing I can find about how people have coped when it's you that has been found and the reason for the lost contact has been unhappy (as it often will be). Thanks

OP posts:
madamez · 24/01/2007 14:22

Not exactly in your position but I was adopted as a 3wk-old baby and, as yet, have never traced birth relatives. I have often wondered uneasily if they might suddenly pop up having traced me (I know the law used to prohibit this but it has changed/is changing). Still don't know quite what I'd do but

Given that your new-found connections are Americans, they probably won't actually take up that much of your future time - a friendly exchange of emails/picutres/xmas cards is probably reasonable. As to how your mum, aunt and gran deal with it (depending on whether your gran is mentally competent to understand what's happening - no offence but you don't state either way), it's up to them - but however they feel shouldn't necessarily prohibit you from having at least some contact with the American people if you want to.

SOrry if that's all a bit muddled. Good luck.

antsinmypants · 24/01/2007 14:33

My gran is a bit confused, but still mostly compos mentis - we won't be telling her anything about it as it would cause her too much pain. But I would feel disloyal to her if I get too involved I think. My mum's dead, so me and my sis are trying to second-guess how she would have reacted - I think she'd have wanted to meet them, but I don't know how well she would have handled it emotionally - they had the life which was taken from her. I suppose I'm concerned about whether I can handle it too, having lived through my mother's depression which caused problems for me - despite myself, I do feel resentful and wonder if it's best just to stay away. But is it a chance to put the faults of previous generations behind us and make amends?

OP posts:
madamez · 24/01/2007 14:40

Actually (with sensible head on for a minute) it might help you to contact Norcap or one of the adoption-tracing charities. They might be able to give you a chance to talk it through with a counsellor who a)knows about these issues and b) is not a member of your family therefore won't have an agenda one way or the other.

FWIW I'm sort of geraing myself up to make the first moves towards tracing borth relatives at the moment,m so I know how ambivalent one feels.

antsinmypants · 24/01/2007 15:34

Thanks Madamez, and good luck. I guess it's about whether it's better not to risk what you have now and take a leap into something that could cause more emotional upset..just impossible to tell, especially if you've subsequently built a happy life.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 24/01/2007 15:38

My situation is a bit simpler - I have an older half-brother who my mum gave up for adoption, long before I was born.

He got in touch with my mom about ten years ago, and we all get along fine. Well, I don't have that much in common with him, and he seems to think being my Big Brother means he can give advice, or is wise , but we do get along.

saltnshake · 24/01/2007 20:06

I have been in a similar situation. I traced a whole branch of 'family' that sprung from my grandfather getting a woman pregnant and then abandoning her. The child that resulted is still alive and in his 80's. In contacting them i really wasn't expecting a big happy reunion. we just swapped stories and it was really interesting for us. I scanned the old family photos for them and it was the first time the old man had seen a picture of his father. I think if both sides are happy it is just a matter of curiosity on both sides but, as you say, your family seem very hurt by what happened so you may find it more than that.
A few years down the line we just exchange christmas cards, they have suggested we meet - id probably rather not but i probably will a i know from their emails that they are not very full on people.
It's been worth it to see the photos of them and get a little bit of family history i couldn't have got from anywhere else

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread