Has anyone truly got over the pain of having an absent or shit parent?

[Sallystyle]

If so how the fuck did you get there?

I'm keeping it quite vague because it's just such a long story but suffice to say my dad is crap, doesn't want me, has never loved me and incapable of doing so I believe. I only see him at funerals now a days but every now and then I hear about him.

Most weeks I don't even think about him, he doesn't cross my mind. The other day I saw a photo of him on social media pretty unexpectedly, then heard about him from another relative and it's screwed my head up for some stupid reason. My head is still screwed up and I'm hurting all over again. I just want to get to the stage where I never hurt over him again, is that even possible?

This doesn't happen often, but I hate that he still has any power over me to hurt me and I stupidly kind of miss him after seeing that photo :/

I am about to go to work in an hour so won't be able to reply much if at all until the early hours- I didn't want anyone to think I've started a thread and then just ran off!

No, I don't think you do ever get over it you just learn to cope.

The main thing I struggle with is remembering to trust myself rather than my parents, if there is a choice, and to not be taken in by 'efforts' to be nice.

They have more than adequately proved they are not friends of mine TBH. Maintaining healthy boundaries has been difficult because of the pressure of 'but they are your parents' or 'they mean well'.

Crap childhood, in particular a dad who despite (massive) efforts on my part stopped keeping in contact a long time ago. I still send him letters and photos of DC. I hear nothing back.

I am not sad about it. I know I can't change it. I would have said I was indifferent, but very recently I've started to realise the impact it has had on my self esteem.

It's difficult to feel like youre worth anything when the people who should love you dont and you've experienced that from a young age.

Ive started to understand this and I've been trying recently to see my value as a person beyond this.

Thank you for sharing your stories

Working this evening is helping. I have such a lovely family and while I've seen my mum enter one abusive relationship after another I'm lucky enough to have a really strong and happy marriage this time around.

I've never let him pick me up and drop me like some of my siblings have which is something I suppose.

I had counselling (in my 30s) to deal with the fallout from an abusive childhood/mother. It was very painful but it helped a lot . I still struggle from time to time - years of being told you are worthless, ugly, stupid take their toll.

I would prefer to go NC with my mother but I love my dad and they come as a package. He's not allowed out in his own.

Yes I am totally over it. Being a parent is not for everyone and I accept that.

I must be as hard as nails, my dad left when I was four and many years later when I met him I realised how fortunate I was that he'd left. Can't say it was ever a major problem for me.

I think in some ways it might be easier if they leave when you are younger and then leave you totally alone.

My siblings who he left when they were young find it much easier than I do but they didn't have to put up with 14 years of living with him. I couldn't wait for my mum to leave him, I used to pray he would die as a young girl but at the same time having a dad for 14 years, even a really nasty one and then being 'dumped' by him was a head fuck.

The fact that he has some children who he seems really close to, who he sees daily and actually knows the names of their children and their ages hurts. I know the reality is that he is older now, he needs someone to look after him but even though logically I know it isn't personal to me some part of me wonders what the fuck is wrong with me, why aren't I good enough? Not loveable enough? How can you cherry pick which of your children you want in your life?

DD has a pretty horrible father, unfortunately. I left with dd when she was 18 months, but his contact with her father has been pretty toxic. Not so bad when she was small and looking up to daddy the hero, but increasingly bad now she's able to think for herself. She's only 8, and it's going to get worse over the next few years. (I've been through court to reduce contact as much as I can, but I can't stop it altogether).

So a question to you who've been through this - if it's one parent that's the problem, is there anything the other parent can do to try to minimise the hurt? I know it can't be taken away, but I ache to make things better for my little girl.