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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and the opposite sex

46 replies

Creamcakes99 · 11/07/2016 20:50

My husband started to loose interest in me when I was pregnant with child 1. We worked together and I could see he had mental connections with 2 women at work. I didn't think twice other than sending one of them a warning email.
After that I looked in his FB history and found he'd be looking up various other girls in his new job. He was also staring out of the window at the girl across the street a fair bit.
All this has totally zapped my self asteem. I used to be confident and happy, I now feel like I need to watch him all of the time.
I don't think he would cheat, he just makes me very insecure and it's causing major arguments.
I'm so fed up of this. We have two young children.
He watches a fair bit of porn too.
Is anyone else feeling like this?
He's a good dad, says he loves me and the kids and would not do a thing to hurt us.
He would of course deny most of the above and say I'm crazy.
He makes me crazy.,

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 14/07/2016 09:52

It's interesting that you don't regard this obsessive interest in watching other women, clad or unclad, as cheating. I would. He is blaming it on an addiction which is basically saying, it's not my fault, but he is the only one who can change it.

Are you serious about him changing or just having a moan? I don't intend that to sound bitchy, it's a serious question. If you are serious then issue an ultimatum and stick to it.

Turning off the porn isn't going to kill him, it depends how much he values his relationship as to whether he chooses to do so. Having been tolerated so far he will probably be unwilling to change unless you do issue the ultimatum.

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 10:16

Because I wanted her to know I knew exactly what she was upto.

OP posts:

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 10:23

The porn needs to stop. Period.
No more ever again.
It's having an affect, it's not an excuse. Read up on it.
All I would say is that if you have sons, educate them on their use of porn because it's having a massive affect on our family.

OP posts:

madgingermunchkin · 14/07/2016 11:23

Personally, I think the looking at other women is your issue, not his. Nearly all men will look at an attractive lady they see in public. Christ, most women I know will look at attractive men in public! But you are now looking for it, so noticing it all the time and coupled with your low self esteem, it's become a real issue.

And although I can understand your feelings about porn, as your DH has an addiction, men are visual creatures. Most women need to feel emotionally loved and supported to be in the mood, but men need visual stimulation. It's only an issue if it starts to impact on the relationship.

I've also had a look for new coworkers on Facebook: not interested in sleeping with them, just being nosey.
Yes, the porn is a problem, and it seems like he is making an effort on that, but it would appear that the bigger issue here is your self esteem. You don't need to watch him all the time. You say you have no reason to believe he would cheat, so trust him. Right now, you're just pushing him away.

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 14:09

Because I thought she was out of order
She was doing it with other married men

OP posts:

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 14:12

All men look at attractive women
They don't look at porn twice a day

I actually don't have a problem with porn. Clearly my husband does and it's having a negative impact on our lives.

OP posts:

helenatroy · 14/07/2016 14:23

I think lots of men look at porn personally. It doesn't bother me too much. When I was a kid I found a stash which must have belonged to brother or dad. Was shocked then. I have also found evidence that nearly all my long term boyfriends partook too.

MadgeMak · 14/07/2016 16:44

Because I thought she was out of order
She was doing it with other married men

It's not really your place to police her behaviour, your husband isn't your possession and it's not really any of your business what she does with other married men, you're not the morality police. If it bothers you that she was flirting with him then you should take it up with him and he should be the one to tell her to stop. It drives me mad when it's the other woman who gets the blame in these situations, like men are pathetic creatures who can't possibly contain themselves if a woman so much as flutters her eyelashes at him, and if it wasn't because of some Jezebel throwing herself at him he would of course remain faithful.

The problem you have is with your husband, it's impossible for you to police all interactions with every woman who crosses his path, it's up him to police his own behaviour and if he's not willing to do so then he doesn't respect you or your relationship.

Oddsocksgalore · 14/07/2016 18:32

He would definitely cheat.

whimsical1975 · 14/07/2016 18:47

"He is blaming it on an addiction which is basically saying, it's not my fault"

^ absolutely this ^

Only he is in control of his behaviour. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. He can bang on about not being able to stop all he wants but how extremely convenient for him to throw his hands up as though this is completely out of his control. He's behaving like a teenager.

I'm really sorry to say it OP but I strongly believe that this isn't something that's going to be resolved with therapy or anything else. I feel you're going to be fighting this battle every day of your marriage. It's horrible and no-one deserves a life like this. He may be a wonderful, loving, supportive father but as a husband he doesn't appear to be any of those things. He knows how much this is affecting his family, and more specifically you, yet that knowledge isn't enough to stop him.

You deserve so much better. You're not going to be able to "fix" him, OP, only he can do that and he's not even owning his share of the blame.

madgingermunchkin · 15/07/2016 11:51

"Only he is in control of his behaviour. He needs to grow up and take responsibility"

"He has 5 hrs of therepy scheduled and will see the GP."

I would say that is taking responsibility and doing something about it. No?

whimsical1975 · 15/07/2016 12:49

By taking responsibility I mean owning up to his part in this!! Actually admitting that only he is accountable for his behaviour. He said that he would "never do anything to hurt his wife/children" but he is!! What exactly is currently hurting them then?? The addiction?? It's him! Blaming everything on an addiction is not taking responsibility... in my opinion.

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 15/07/2016 13:13

Of course he's owned up and apologised.
He's at the GPs at 5 pm today and he's booked 5 hrs of counselling.
I think he is serious about making this work.
He doesn't blame me for anything and says I was right all along and I'm not crazy.
There have been lots of tears over the past few days.

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 15/07/2016 13:14

Your relationship sounds like such hard work, must be exhausting.
We all look at what we deem as attractive members of the opposite sex, it's not just a male thing Your DH is doing it obviously & constantly & blaming it on addiction so so many sex/porn addicts about, who the fuck knew? this is unfair to you & I personally would have binned him a long time ago, I certainly wouldn't have sent the woman at work an email warning her off though-just mortifying.

madgingermunchkin · 15/07/2016 13:14

But I think the OP's own issues are getting in the way of her seeing what her DH is doing to hurt her. Anyone with a healthy level of self esteem will not be overly concerned about their OH looking at members of the opposite sex when in public. It's human nature, we all do it.
Is he actually constantly looking at other women? Looking at porn twice a day, and if so how does she know this? because she is checking his computer religiously.

For all you, he's spent years trying to appease his wife, make her feel better, but has now got to the point where he no longer knows what else he can do to make her feel better, has decided he's going to get accused of it anyway, and so is doing what he's accused of.
It's a vicious circle.

She has said she doesn't believe he will cheat. Why not back off, spend time working on her self esteem issues, let him do his therapy and talk to his GP and then try and build together from there?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2016 13:23

Sorry to hear that you're having problems OP but honestly, your relationship sounds more mother and son than husband and wife. It's absolutely not your business to instruct other women, other people even, to do or not do anything - your husband has responsibility to you, other people do not.

You're marching him here, telling him to do this, do that, sending e-mails to the 'competition' and keeping your eyes peeled. What's H|E actually doing off his own back to regain your trust?

Whatever it is, all the tears and protestations aside, it hasn't worked, has it? Otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread. Perhaps you could do with some counselling yourself to look at why you're putting up with this passive and deceitful man.

Wonkydonkey44 · 15/07/2016 15:32

I honestly think that this relationship is going no where. If I had to police my husband to the point where I had to send warning e mails to other women then I'm afraid it's already over.

You aren't responsible for his behaviour and if he wants to cheat then he will. You are however responsible for your own behaviour and I'm sure this isn't how you envisioned your relationship to be. This all seems to be too hard work x

Hanch99 · 15/07/2016 16:25

My husband confessed to me about watching porn. The reason why he confessed was because he was starting to have a distorted view of women and it was changing how he was treating me. I am currently 4 months pregnant and it was upsetting me.

We sat together and identified times he would do this. Its always on his phone as only i have a laptop and he gave his iPad to his mom months ago. Its times when he is alone and bored. Its quick and easy to get to on his phone. We looked at ways to prevent this and we found that i can put in a passcode for adult sites on his iphone. Therefore he cant access it.

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 15/07/2016 16:40

Mmmm do I appear mortified? NO ugh!!!! I'd do it again

OP posts:

Original poster

Creamcakes99 · 15/07/2016 16:41

I think most men watch porn...
Mine more than others

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2016 17:18

OP, Most men do not watch porn, some men do. Your husband does it to your detriment and doesn't seem to care.

Are you saying that you'd e-mail another woman as you did before? Be prepared for them to laugh at you or just shake their head in disbelief. Be careful that you don't step it up and get reported to the police.

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