What do you do when a friend won't discuss a problem? How do we move on?

[Waitingforsleep]

Trying not to give away details but hat is the crux of the problem really.
I don't understand why my friend won't chat about the rift we have had to then move on. She wants to just move on without the talking.
It feels really unhealthy and I don't like elephants in the room.
Not sure what to do/make of it?

I think this friendship,has run its course. She is not prepared to be the emotionally supportive friend she once was and is happy with a non-taxing meet up for a drink or dinner every few months but doesn't want to have any greater obligation to you than that.

I'm sorry that it is hurtful but I don't think the friendship is important enough to her to listen to any grief from you about how hurt and disappointed you are because she doesn't feel you have the right to feel that way given what she is clearly offering.

Clear choice here- put up with your hurt and don't address you issues or let the friendship go.

People don't respond well to being told off - they either don't agree and feel irritated, or agree but feel defensive.

Your initial text to tell her how hurt you were was a mistake I think. Her radio silence told you everything you needed to know, without resurrecting it. Why would she want to meet with you, to be told off all over again?

Did she know the problems you were dealing with? Do you know that she didn't have problems of her own?

I think you want different things from your friendship. I'm like your friend. I love to meet up with friends but am busy so don't get upset or even necessarily notice if I don't see them for awhile. I wouldn't care if someone forgot my birthday. And it would annoy the hell out of me if I got a text telling me that I'd upset someone inadvertently and they needed the drama of a big meet up to discuss it. I suspect you've been relegated.

If someone has decided to move on from you, your only option is to suck it up. Bleating and pestering and demanding an apology or 'closure' will not get you anywhere - except possibly a restraining order if you don't go away. OK, it's unlikely to get that far, but to carry on chasing someone who is trying to get away is a waste of time and effort and will make you look like a desperate, clingy loser.

Certainly not pestering or anything of the sort- it was one day of a few texts here and back with me leaving it that I respected her decision not to have a chat about it.
There was not going to be a big meet up or drama. It was simply me saying that I was sorry I hadn't been in touch for a long time as I wasn't sure she wanted to be in contact and to admit I did feel a bit unsure of our friendship and a bit let down she hadn't tried to contact me. Was just meant to be a little chat so there would be no elephant in the room from me and I honestly thought she would just had a little chat and move on. But I got a defensive wall from the start but I agree- she must have felt attacked.
However I do feel we don't want the same things. She wants a friend to meet up with no depth, for a drink now and again and I thought we had a more meanful friendship than that after so many years. My dad had cancer so if she can't contact me to ask me how he is after he had a major operation chemo etc then for me personally it's an eye opener.
Yes I happy to meet up now and again to have a chat about whatever and that's it. I know where I stand and I think I will just nurture some newer friendships I have with people who I feel look for similar qualities from a friend, as well as meeting with friends just for a social etc as I do have lots of friends who we have that type of relationship too.
Think that makes sense?!

It doesn't sound like you want a "chat" though OP. It sounds like you want to sit her down and tell her all of the ways she's let you down.
If I were her I'd not be mad keen either!
It may be that you've also upset her in some ways that you have no idea about.

No the chat is two way, if I have upset her then let's talk about it. I would always hate to upset a friend and honestly am the type to take it and I do admit when I am wrong etc. Honestly am not that sort of person. If I have done something I would prefer to know so we can sort it :)

She doesn't want to 'sort it out'. She doesn't want to be anything more than someone you meet up with occasionally for coffee or whatever. And if you are still whining and demanding a 'proper talk' she is not even going to want that.

Suck it up. Leave her alone. Everyone has the right to withdraw from a relationship of any kind that they no longer want, and not to be pestered by the other person.

Um? What part haven't you read? I said I have respected that and am just going to meet as and when? Haven't pestered at all and won't? Need to read the threads bit more :)

To be really brutal about it I think you think your problems you have had are worse than theirs, therefore you feel they owe you more support than you got.

If you haven't been in contact much how could you know what was going on in their life, maybe they resent you for not being there for them and that's the issue here?

Sorry no not the case but get where you coming from. I was always in touch but when it's one way I just gave up. On the run at the mo so quick teply

Hey . It's been a while this went down with you. Are you guys friends or you walked away for the better? The same is going on with me right now. And I'm tired of trying to be this person who wants to talk it out and mend things. Any advice ?

The balls in your court, she's made it very clear what her expectations of your friendship are.

It's ok to want more but pointless to want it when the other person doesn't.

She isn't interested in your friendship and her actions have shown that.

Not being mean here...but if you've failed to pick up on her clear message that we strangers can all see ...then I wonder what else you've misunderstood.

You backed off ...it suited her fine. You reignited contact ... and you want it on your terms. That's not how it works.

My dad had cancer so if she can't contact me to ask me how he is after he had a major operation chemo etc then for me personally it's an eye opener.

She's not a true friend if yours. I had colleagues, my hairdresser and casual acquaintances asking about my DF when he had major surgery and chemo. So I've been where you are and could have lost DF.

If a friend can't do that...they aren't worth my time.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have the emotional energy left for people, like it's a scarce resource and I have none left.

So yes, I would meet up with some friends and be superficial and light, and no, I wouldn't be up for a discussion of deeper stuff.

For whatever reason, she's not the type of friend you want her to be, so either you accept what she can offer, or you let it go.