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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice

15 replies

Pollyd76 · 11/07/2016 14:35

Been married for 12 years together 20. I have checked out of marriage. Told dh few years ago I wanted a divorce he refused saying we cld make it work and that he wld stop be controlling and aggressive I agreed to giving it 6 months. He has changed but I still no longer want to be with him. I have given it another 2 years. We get on but the thought of getting intimate repulses me. I'm his mother not lover. I have been in the spare room for 4 months.
I hate the thought of breaking his heart and also wrecking the lives of our ds 8 and dd 7. But at the same time feel that I deserve a chance to be happy, this relationship is destroying me. Any advice please

OP posts:
TheRealPosieParker · 11/07/2016 14:36

I think you've tried your best. You do deserve to be happy.

HarmlessChap · 11/07/2016 14:39

He may not realise it at the moment but I'm sure that he would have a better life with someone who actually wanted to be with him.

SandyY2K · 11/07/2016 14:40

You've given it a shot and now it's time to move on for your happiness.

You don't need his permission or agreement to divorce even though that may delay things. Either way it's over.

Have a conversation and tell him you tried, but it's not working. Sometimes too much damage has been done and a fresh start is the best thing for all parties.

Original poster
Pollyd76 · 11/07/2016 15:14

Thank you. I know in my heart I need to tell him but it's just finding the courage to do it. I keep hoping that we can do it amicably to make it easier on the children but I am pretty sure he will go back to his old ways of blaming everything on me. Last time I wanted to leave he told me he would stop me from taking the children ( mainly why I stayed)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2016 15:25

Pollyd,

re your comment:-
"Last time I wanted to leave he told me he would stop me from taking the children ( mainly why I stayed)"

Inadequate and controlling (controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour) men often makes such threats to keep their victims in check. It has worked but his threat is really an empty one. Its all part of the overall script such people use. He will probably want to use the children as punishment against you for leaving him. He will go all out to control you and this process of you leaving him by being continually obstructive. Such men do not let go of their victims easily.

If you have not already read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft I would suggest you do this. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and seek their advice too.

You also need legal advice re separation from him and asap as well. This is not the relationship model that your children should be seeing; its just teaching them a lot of damaging lessons on relationships. He will never stop being controlling; he actually told you he would stop being controlling?!. Such behaviour is more often than not deeply ingrained and cannot be unlearnt , likely one or both of his parents are the self same.

What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships here. He has wrecked this by his very actions.

You will not be wrecking your childrens lives by leaving him; it could well be the making instead of you and your children in the long run. Your children cannot afford to grow up learning such damaging lessons on relationships for them to potentially repeat as adults. They know you are unhappy and perhaps worse still even blame themselves. They notice that you and dad are sleeping separately and they see the overall lack of interaction between you and he. You cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you.

adora1 · 11/07/2016 15:30

You won't be wrecking their lives, not if you do it in an understandable and calm way without any drama or point scoring.

The old line: staying for the kids just doesn't wash any more OP, just get on and do what you have to do or else you may waste another couple of years and then another...... you matter!

Original poster
Pollyd76 · 11/07/2016 16:09

I worry I'm not strong enough to do it all alone

OP posts:
adora1 · 11/07/2016 16:20

Well just read again, aggressive and controlling, that's the environment you are exposing your kids to so do it for them if you can't for yourself, of course you will cope, just like millions of others.

Nobody is going to thank you for being a martyr and do you really want to turn round in ten years time and think what a bloody waste, you are entitled to peace and harmony, not control and aggression.

Original poster
Pollyd76 · 11/07/2016 16:45

I feel like such a failure. Everything I do has always had to be perfect. My dad had an RTA resulting in an squired brain injury when I was 11 so I had to grow up quick and wasn't allowed to rock the boat. It's just continued through my life and I guess I now feel like I've failed at something that should be so simple and letting all my family down

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2016 17:04

polly,

re your comment:-
"I feel like such a failure. Everything I do has always had to be perfect. My dad had an RTA resulting in an squired brain injury when I was 11 so I had to grow up quick and wasn't allowed to rock the boat. It's just continued through my life and I guess I now feel like I've failed at something that should be so simple and letting all my family down"

No-one is perfect; where did this need to be perfect come from?. Was it from a perceived lack of being in control?. That was an unfair expectation and unrealistic burden to place on you by yourself or by someone else. What happened to you at 11 has indeed impacted on your life in an emotional sense as well to this day; this whole sense of not being able to fail is very damaging. Your parents I would hope would want you to be happy.

This is not a happy marriage for your children to be witness to either and they do see and hear far more than you perhaps care to realise. Would you want them to have a marriage like yours?. I would think you would answer no.

You have absolutely not failed here if you want to end this marriage. You only need to give your own self the right to do so. He chose to be like this towards you and he would have acted the same regardless of whom he married.

On another matter this whole (erroneous) idea of not being allowed to fail or rock the boat within your family of origin needs to be properly addressed through counselling. This really does need to be addressed going forward because it will keep on coming back to bite you hard on the bum otherwise in all areas of your life.

He has not at all worried about breaking your heart has he; infact he has still chosen to believe that he would stop being controlling and aggressive (pah!). It was never going to happen.

FreeFromHarm · 11/07/2016 17:06

You are not alone, your children are stronger than you think, they need a happy mum. You are not a failure.

Original poster
Pollyd76 · 11/07/2016 18:58

Have just found a house to rent very near the children's school I am very tempted to rent it so that I can show him im serious about leaving

OP posts:
0dfod · 11/07/2016 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Memoires · 11/07/2016 21:11

How entangled are you financially with him?
Who owns the house you're in now? Are you renting, and who's name is on the rental agreement?

Original poster
Pollyd76 · 12/07/2016 06:21

Both names on the mortgage which we have another 4 years left of

OP posts:
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