Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Husband being horrid to stepkids

23 replies

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 09:00

I'm on the verge of doing my husband some serious damage. I have two girls from a previous relationship one is 19 the other 9 .And I have 2 boys of 4 yrs and 8 months
He has fallen out with the 19 year old more times than I can remember . He can't speak nicely to them 98% of the time.
When we had our youngest ds the deal was I wouldn't go back to work till he was in preschool now I'm being told I have to go back now. The job I do required 60 hrs a week to achieve any form of bonus and I have been applying for part time jobs to no avail. My parents are giving me £50 a week as they are fed up of seeing me so low and with no money on the condition I don't tell him as they do not want him to get his hands on it . As my mat pay has stopped totally and I have to give him 40 from child benefit for the boys even though he puts 100 a month away for each of them . I'm not expecting him to do that for the girls but seeing me with no money doesn't bother him at all.
Its my daughter's birthday in a couple of weeks and I can't afford much but he has not mentioned any type of contribution off himself at all. My ex won't even pay £7 a week for her. I'm regretting getting married and having more children . I love my boys to death and just really want to sort my marriage out but if I can't I will just have my kids with me and dh can sod off. I tried talking to him this morning and got told don't start . I hate the atmosphere at home you feel like your walking on egg shells . His family do everything they can to stop him having hissy fits instead of telling him to stop acting like a prat. In fact thinking about him now makes me have two emotions anger and indifference.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 11/07/2016 09:02

He sounds like a cunt.

Just5minswithDacre · 11/07/2016 09:04

What are you waiting for? Boot him.

juneau · 11/07/2016 09:17

Well your DDs from your previous marriage aren't his financial responsibility and I'm wondering why your ex doesn't pay for his DC?

Having said that, a nice guy who loved you and cared about the fact that you're struggling would probably overlook the legal responsibilities angle and help you out. Since he sounds like an arsehole though its true to form that he won't so so. Why are you with this man if he's so petty and tight-fisted? You having to hide the fact that your parents are helping you out is worrying, and why is he taking £40 a week off you for your two DSs???

User4444 · 11/07/2016 09:36

Ditch him , your poor girls. Don't agree with the fact as they aren't his kids he has no obligation towards them financially, it's 7 pounds a week and he knew about the girls from the start, if he agreed to you not working he'd surely have known he'd have to make a contribution to the whole family not just his biological children. I had an ex like this and we split up pretty sharpish after this behaviour surfaced, he was not like this from the start, but started to become jealous/resentful of DD.

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 09:59

Glad it's not me thinking this is wrong. I know my dds aren't his responsibility and I'm not expecting him to pay for everything its only been a month since my pay stopped and its gone tits up already but my ex just point blank refuses to pay. Cms are involved but he now just does cash in hand jobs ( I've reported him three times) . I have residency of her and she still sees him but that is only because he lives with his parents ( drug and alcohol issues I pick well). I will go back part time but he's moaning as I'll have to do evening shifts and he has to get up early so he'll be tired from looking after the boys . My mum has offered to have dd overnight as he makes such a song and dance about it . He really was never this bad .

OP posts:

EreniTheFrog · 11/07/2016 10:03

He sounds horrible to your DDs and horrible to you: what's he like with your DSs? Does he have any redeeming features at all??

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 10:08

Oh they get everything they want . He is nice when he wants to be but there's not a lot of laughter in the house ! He falls out with everybody, the rest of the army are always out of step kind of person. Cup is not just half empty its bone dry. I don't think I noticed as much before as i was flat out at work . I'm no Angel and can be pretty aggressive but only if I'm pushed and I feel like that quite a bit at the moment.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 11/07/2016 10:09

He sounds shit. Youd be financially and emotionally better off without him, and so would your children

smilingeyes11 · 11/07/2016 10:16

He is an emotionally and financially abusive bully. You can't change him. Just get rid before he does any more damage to the DC. Call WA and get help to be free of him. And I would suggest the Freedom Programme too so you never choose such a rubbish man ever again. Your family must be ever so worried about you.

nilbyname · 11/07/2016 10:19

Sounds awful.

When he married you, he married your kids as well, he doesn't get to exclude them! I'm shocked by that.

Why are you with him?

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 10:34

He has actually got better than when I first met him in some ways ( I can hear you thinking good God ) . I'm just tired at being the only one who stands up to him. When I had my money coming in he never questioned anything . Just fed up of his attitude and he won't change just need to get back to work and take things from there.

OP posts:

smilingeyes11 · 11/07/2016 10:38

if this is him improved I dread to think how bad he was before. Why are your standards so low?

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 10:52

When I first met him he was lovely a bit immature and materialistic ,his outlook changed and his importance on stuff went. We had our 1st ds and things weren't this bad at all. Now it's gone shit big time. I've gone from earning 26000 to nothing and I'm finding that hard. But the thought of having two more kids growing up without a dad pisses me off. I really just want him to be a pleasant person which he was in the beginning . I would not have married him or had a 2nd child if I could have foreseen this.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 11:14

So my eldest has just left and he was jumping through hoops to be nice to her as I've been speaking to him while getting your very welcomed and well thought about opinions. Glad I joined !!! What you have said has also made me think more about myself and my excessively laid back approach. Thank you x

OP posts:

category12 · 11/07/2016 11:59

Being nice to the people you live with should be the default, not an improvement.

PrizeyPrize · 11/07/2016 12:09

Your poor girls. He sounds awful. How dare he treat them differently in anyway to his biological daughters, he knew what the situation was when he got together with you.

Just as Branleuse has said you would honestly be better off financially and emotionally without him OP. Go to entitled.com to see what you would be entitled to in terms of benefits, and here to give you an indication of child maintenance.

PrizeyPrize · 11/07/2016 12:10

to his biological sons i meant.

Fomalhaut · 11/07/2016 18:23

When when stepfather married my mother he took on three small kids, then they had another.
My actual father is a useless deadbeat and my sf raised us, loved us and paid for us because that's what happens when you form a family

Your dh is a twat. Get rid.

juneau · 11/07/2016 18:41

When he married you, he married your kids as well

Legally, I'm not sure that's right. Sure, if he was a nice guy then he would be happy to help out if times got tough, but generally speaking the new DH is not financially responsible for DC from previous relationships unless he's agreed to be.

I'm a bit baffled as to how you got into this spot though OP. Your salary of £26000 was presumably the money that supported your two DDs, so did your DH agree to make up that shortfall when he suggested you gave up work? Who was going to pay for them if your ex is a deadbeat and you were encouraged to give up work for 4+ years?

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 18:58

He does pay all the bills I was originally pissed off at his general attitude in the home. I'm on mat leave and I'm having to adjust to the shortfall. We live in the most expensive area outside London . So yes he knew a shortfall would need to be made up. My eldest works and pays her way anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 19:00

And we can't move as the kids are in school and its my home town. I think I'm going stir crazy and picking up on every negative going.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 11/07/2016 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

user1468132986 · 11/07/2016 19:07

I've also never not worked and never had to be reliant on a man for my income. I spent the day with my mum and they know the ins and outs . she thinks I need to get back to work as she sees me panicking that I'm losing control. It really only has been this last six months its got to a point where I can't fucking deal with it. Funnily enough when my money dropped to piss all. He has been there for my girls. ( their father hasn't full stop ) and I think I get defensive if he snaps at them . he still is a miserable pig though regardless what spin is put on it. Its hard to cover all situations in a post and he has not stepped up like he said he would at all.

OP posts:

Flip