Who does what at home? DH high earner and I am left to manage everything...

[joliepapillon]

My husband and I have had a big row today and I am really looking for some perspective on what is normal in relationships.

My DH works full time in highly paid, stressful position. He earns over double than I do. I work in a management role but 4 days a week and I have a pretty flexible company when it comes to leaving early to pick up DC, staying at home when she is sick etc.

Husband's responsibilities at home are: doing the accounts, taking DC to nursery most mornings, booking flights and accommodation when we travel (I too spend time looking into this but he always seems to find the best options) and he occasionally takes the bins out.

My responsibilities at home are: cooking all meals, doing all the shopping, picking DC up from nursery, washing and ironing, tidying up, collecting dry cleaning, organising a cleaner, cleaning in between the cleaner's visits and managing our health insurance (we are abroad and it's a lot of paperwork!).

Last week I had an unexpected visitor which was great but it meant I wasn't really on top of things. We went out for dinner a few times and also had a few take aways. This weekend I have also been quite busy and I had a friend's birthday event to attend all afternoon and evening yesterday.

Yesterday the fridge was pretty bare so I did an online shop which arrives tomorrow. I didn't have time to go shopping as we had an appointment in the morning. We still had breakfast stuff and drinks etc. and I managed to rustle up a salad for lunch. However, my husband has been in an absolutely awful mood with me today. It started off when there wasn't any bread (but we did have croissants and yoghurts etc.), then escalated when there was only salad for lunch and finally exploded when he a. noticed my paperwork and b. his shampoo ran out.

I spoke to him about it and he said he was indeed in a bad mood because he is fed up with me not pulling my weight at home. He was pissed off that I was out yesterday and there wasn't much in the fridge. He says he does his part of the deal which is earning XXX and I need to do my part of the deal which is keeping on top of things at home. He said I should realise how comfortable I am to be able to go out for dinner when I want and that I need to understand that it's thanks to his hard work and I need to reflect that at home.

I take some of his points on board; I can imagine it's frustrating to have an empty fridge etc. but should I really be doing ALL the domestic tasks when I work too? Yes we pay for a cleaner etc. but there is obviously a lot else to manage. I did suggest he went shopping but he just told me that it's not down to him. And I know I am disorganised so it must be annoying for him to see all my paperwork piling up, but I do sort it out, it just takes a while.

Sorry for the long post but I just wonder if I have got my priorities mixed up or whether he is being over demanding.

I don't work. DH is a high earner.

We had his parents over for dinner today, I prepped the lamb at 10am and put it in the oven. He hoovered the house and tidied up, emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen, hung two loads of washing out and did all the potatoes and veg for dinner, after putting up some shelves and fixing a curtain pole with his dad.

Him and his mum then washed up and he made coffees for everyone.

I have been unwell today so he completely took up my slack and didn't once complain about it.

But even on a normal day he still does his fair share.

We don't have allocated jobs. And I think that's where your problem lies. There are house jobs. I tend to do some washing on my day off and he does some one his. He tends to do the traditional man jobs (lawns bins etc). I plan the meals and do the shop, we take turns in cooking. If he needs something on the shop ie shampoo he needs to tell me, not expect me to go and investigate. He irons, I do most of the cleaning and then he does a quick tidy up on Saturday whilst I am at work.

For us having my jobs and your jobs wouldn't work. There are jobs that need to be done, if someone sees a job needs doing (like the dishwasher needs loading or emptying) then they do it.

Agree with Alice - it's about him thinking he's better than you and to him the fact that he earns more "proves" it. I earned more than my "D"H but it didn't stop him lying on the sofa whilst I did everything.

It is not even relevant if he had a point or not.

The way he speaks to you, and his attitude towards you STINK! You should be grateful, he says?!

He refuses to buy a loaf of bread out of "principle"?!

How joyless. How sad.

That is not what marriage is about, there should be give and take on both sides. A bit of goodwill. A bit of love and laughter between the stressy bits!

Sandy - I read a good thing on another thread - offer to swap the bins and finances () for your jobs and see what he says. Surely not a problem if they are equivalent?

Alice

Unfortunately, he's not one for the concept of marital money. He sees his money as his money. He pays majority of the bills, but back then argued that if I earned as much, we could share the bills 50/50 he'd do 50/50 of the housework.

The fact is even if I earned twice what he did - I know I'd still have done all those things.

The only difference is I could have afforded to pay a cleaner from my salary.

There was a time I went on holiday during term time when the DCs were younger. I left instructions on everything (regarding DCs) for while I was gone, when I came back the childminder told me he went to pick up one of the DCs from her house- except he forgot he'd actually taken DC to nursery that day.

When he went away, the only task I had to do was empty the bins. No need to leave a list for that eh.

I've been told in the past that I forget that the mortgage and bills were being paid while he was away and that I take things for granted and think the money fairy pays for these things and not his hard work

Thanks for all the replies and support.

The day I have off I am with DC. We usually spend half the day doing some of the chores (shopping or washing) but the rest of day we do something fun like going swimming or seeing friends. If not there's not much point in her not going to nursery!

However during the weekend I spend at least half of my time doing chores, unless, like yesterday, I have some kind of prior engagement. The accounts DH manages takes him about 3-4 hours a month, I think. He does work long hours but my days are pretty long - generally sit down for dinner at about 9-9:30pm.

Sandy that sounds very similar. Day to day responsibilities are not the same as monthly ones.

Think DH is feeling a bit resentful of me having a visitor, having work events, seeing friends. His life is much more focussed on work - but that's not my fault. I'd be more than happy for him to see more of his friends.

And yes; i would love to feel like we are a team. Not getting up in the morning and having to look after DD, clean the whole kitchen, do all the washing...all while he stays in bed. We'd be so much better off if we were united.

Jeez, I'm an SAHM, but if I'd had a crazy busy week and DH complained there wasn't much in the fridge, he'd be handed the car keys and credit card, and told to sort it out. Not rocket science.

As a kind of answer to jelliebellie, 6-odd years ago DH was stressed out by his job, hated it etc etc; we had a family chat, decided to downsize, sold the house, he got a new lower-paid job he loves, I took up the budgeting slack... swings and roundabouts.

Sounds a bit like my DH who has a very important job and is used to throwing his weight around at work and getting what he wants.
Telling you're not a housekeeper and to get off his arse and help a bit more. No bread? Tough, buy some or make do.

His attitude is appalling, and is a problem even if the jobs were split fairly.
Fair = taking up the same amount of your leisure time.

But it does sound like you both make meal of some jobs. Health insurance even making the list?! (unless one of your family has high use of medical services). I work 50% of my time in a country with private health insurance and none of my local colleagues consider it more than an occasional task - similarly booking holidays.

I don't think it's fair that you do the lion's share as you with the same hours (1 day with child is not a day off). But having taken on food shopping as "your" job, then yes, I'd be at running out of basics like bread!

But you shouldn't have taken it on. Just say no, and tell him to sort his attitude out.

Oh and similarly the 4 hours on household accounts per month!
Bloody hell!
I spend 4 minutes.
I'm basing that on living in the UK though. Everything on direct debit and I have online banking and know what I'm spending day to day so there's no reconciling receipts at any point.
I'm racking my brains to think of ANYTHING that has taken effort this month, and all I can come up with is:

• paying after school club invoice. Received as email, paid with childcare vouchers managed on line - 2 mins max. (every month)
• increasing my pension payment - a one off job, 2 minutes on line.

WTF is taking 4 hours a month?!

And yes; i would love to feel like we are a team.

^^^ Exactly.

A bit like yourself, I think my DH used to be jealous of me being on mat leave and meeting up with friends/other mums. He thought I was having a doss with the baby, while he was out working.

It gets much easier as the kids get older though.

So let's get this clear. He sees his money as just his money. But your time and labour should be available to him - and work should be carried out to his standards in his timeline. Ha ha. What a total wanker! He doesn't want a partner, he wants an unpaid employee.

If you divorced him you would be in a better position: you would have his money, you would not have to do any work for him and he'd actually have to look after his children and you'd get a break now and again.

Your husband basically talked to you as if you were an underperforming member of his housekeeping staff.

My husband is an extremely high earner in a very stressful job requiring a fair bit of travel. Up until recently I worked 30 hours a week in a more flexible job. I did most school runs, and most of the house stuff just because I have more time. He says thank you to me constantly and is genuinely appreciative of what I do to keep our show on the road.

I wouldn't worry so much about who does what and more that he thought it was ok to speak to you like that. It isn't. How would he feel if after his next performance review at work, you told him you were disappointed with his salary increase and bonus and he should appreciate how hard you work at home to enable his work, and he needs to stay on top of things.

And most people in those high earning jobs do it for the money AND because they love it - love the power, the control, what they actually do etc. The money is the least of it for my own dh. He loves what he does. I don't buy that your dh is working hard for anyone but himself in the end of the day

I agree with cliche he sounds like he is used to giving instructions. He needs reminding that you are his wife, your a team and if there's no bread, he has legs, and a tongue in his head, he can pop to the shop as easily as you and whilst he is there some chocolate would be lovely!

Sandy - Isn't it pretty offensive that some men appear to see a relationship as a business transaction. In particular a lot of women expend a lot of energy on the emotional work of the house. On the other hand I know that I could not hold down a stressful job if my partner also had one along similar lines, he ends up absorbing some of my stress. There are subtle ways in which a relationship feels in balance and a financial analysis ain't it! Are you still with him?!

Canyou - very good point that he is likely pursuing his career for his own fulfilment.

I also do 99% of housework. DH takes out the bin if i ask him, very occasionally he cooks.
I don't mind as he works about 16-18h days and I'm SAHM.

Last week he had a similar meltdown as the bread was off and no eggs in the fridge. He was ranting about me never checking things in the fridge etc etc
I got pissed off, said "really" and just went upstairs until much later....

He actually apologised (not very common)! With flowers (even less common)!!!

How did you take it OP? Did you respond in any way?
In your situation it's not fair to expect you to do all and your DH would have got a not very nice response from me...

If you google chore wars bbc, try the chores calculator. It is a good starting place for a conversation when he sees in black and white the imbalance in work that you do And the unfairness of it all.

You can start from the point that you should both have the same amount of free time. I can't imagine he'd be be able to admit to that,

My DP earns more than double what I do, even if I worked full time he would. As it is, I work 3 full days over 4 days and the time I have off are spent doing things with and for our DD.

I would say DP does more household chores than I do. He does the bins, sorts out finances, does most of the laundry and is constantly tidying. He also does most of the cooking as he likes to decide on the day what to have, whereas I like to plan ahead.

I do all of the above also but not as much as DP, with the difference being he tidies and I clean. He will usually take DD out one morning every weekend for me to properly clean the house. And we also have a lie in each every weekend.

He appreciates that being a parent is far harder than going to work and so if he can pick up the slack when I'm too tired, he does so with a smile on his face. I am very very lucky to have him.