Brother marrying a nightmare

[Italktomycat]

I love my brother very much but he's very much a 'laid back' person. I am too, but we are very different.

He has a girlfriend (of two years) and they've just become engaged. I'm really worried about him.

So they are pretty normal at the start of their relationship but kind of live in (as I see) a 'not real world' for the first year of the relationship as they both live at home (so lots of dates, holidays but none of the day todaystuff)

His fiancé is lovely at this point, dizzy, funny endearing but there are little weird habits tbat happen such as she tidies my brothers room and mums house when she goes there.

When they move in together more cracks appear. She has mountains of stuff everywhere, he has little and what he has is in a back bedroom. Still I'm not worried as he's never lived away so has little stuff.

Then comes the first big thing. I live 3 streets away. He calls, asking me to come in the street... I oblige and he comes round the corner crying and incoherent. Turns out they've had a massive fight over the house and she's called him lazy and blah blah blah. Didn't make sense, why was he crying? He says he's punched a wall, she's thrown a glass and ripped a necklace he's bought her off.

I advise him that little things such as differences about tidying/ house happen in relationships but you don't sweat the small stuff because eventually big stuff comes along. He says he has to break up with her. Can't live under a microscope anymore, doesn't feel comfortable in his own home. Can't put his shoes in certain places/leave books out or anything. Says she's a nightmare for controlling his weekends\always has something planned.

Next day I check on him and he says ' we've worked things out, thanks' that's it, never mentioned again.

Next week they've put an offer on a house. She's got builders organised for an extension, planning work on the house for the next 6 months. I'm baffled as think with such a new relationship/ so soon after a fight you should let the dust settle.

Our mum asks him is he sure , it's a big step etc. They move in, house renovation
Going at an alarming rate he's not seeing family etc as always at work on house.

Big family meal they can't aren't as they're going to a beer fest. Whole family is
Sitting in restaurant (30 of us) and she walks in with a weird look on her face. Everyone says 'oh we thought you couldn't make
It! And she bursts into tears. No sign of my brother. Now whole family meal
Is directed at my brothers crying girlfriend and not at the person who's 50th it was.

Turns out they've hd another big bust up at the beer fest. He's been messaging other girls on the Internet (total shit)
But she's now at his family telling everyone. I'm keeping out at this
Point but then my brother turns up. Crying. I take him downstairs and he explains this happened at he start of their relationship and one of her friends brought it up
Again nearly. 2 years later at the beer fest they were attending. Apparently his gf had said to him 'I know where your family are and I'm going up there ' basically
To expose him.

Next day he goes to stay with my mum to try some time apart and she turns up with she sister and a car full of his stuff. Dumps
It on lawn. He says 'I co own the house so you can't kick me out, I'm staying with mum for space'

So basically he explains she's spent all his money on house renovations (he doesn't eat a lot as a mental health nurse) even whey jes explained to her he doesn't have enough. He says she's planned things for them to do every weekend for the next few months. He feels stifled and ignored. He found out she's come off her pill as she wants a baby. She bought an engagement ring (for her self) and told him to surprise her with it (wtf)

Anyway to my surprise ( and horror) he moves back in with her a week after. He next thing in know is that my mum tells me she's taking the ring with her to a family holiday so he can propose...

2 weeks later he proposes with her ring and she says yes. They have been engaged 3 weeks now and she's booked the venue, bought her dress and organised the flowers.

I'm so worried about him being swept along and being a 'thing' to enable her to get some events she's planned for a long time (wedding baby).

What do you think?

X

It's your writing style I can't get past. Too much present-continuous tense. Plus what house work takes 6 months!? We've had two whole new rooms built that only took 2 months.

Load of over involved histrionics. Sorry

Well they're doing a whole house them selves...not being argumentative but my own house has taken 2 years to renovate while living here (it's an old house and I want to do it right'.

I think you just need to let them be and if they have a row or break up and he comes to you, then you need to be supportive and listen to him but otherwise stay out of it. Getting engaged after a two year relationship and when they own a house isn't rushing things. Whilst they sound high maintenance, you've clearly written this because you are defensive about your brother although he doesn't come across well either.

Getting involved in other adults relationships never ends well.

I hate don't particularly like my SIL as she likes a bit of drama too and has been nasty towards my family, but I am civil as necessary. As said above not my circus.

Let them get on with it..

The OP is posting here genuinely concerned about her brother and it sounds as though she has grounds for this, I don't think it's fair to turn the spotlight onto her as over involved and over bearing. Surely it's normal to be concerned for your siblings welfare no matter what age they are?

OP I don't know if you'll achieve anything but I really do advise taking your brother for a coffee and not putting any pressure on him but saying you're very concerned and he doesn't seem happy and himself and you are there for him and love him. Try and give him an "out".

He sounds in over his head. Not dramatic at all, scared. As if he's hoping if he clings on it will all turn out ok.

Or, maybe he likes, or is accustomed to putting himself second to dramatic and demanding people. Or, is so unaccustomed to them that he's just bemused and imagines it will all settle down if he carries on trying to be reasonable - but actually feeding the demanding habit by being too conciliatory.

I think he needs to learn to assert himself, calmly. Ensure his needs and wants are being considered. Thus find out whether she is the slightest bit interested in considering them and decide about the future accordingly.

I agree with you it sounds disastrous but, you can't change that directly and, well, maybe he likes subsuming himself beneath her wants, to an extent. It's an easy life, in a way. He must want some part of it to have lasted this long.

Change "brother" for "sister" and people would be shouting about financial and emotional abuse at the very least. They would be advising offering the "sister" legal advice on getting out of the relationship, the Freedom programme and Womens Aid.

Not all abusers are men and not all DV victims are female. I would be worried sick if this was my sibling.

Not impressed by his punching the wall though. That would probably have been the end for me. Not impressed by displays of aggression. Nor by such loss of control.

choose that's very good advice. If he is a mh nurse, then he is probably familiar with personality disorders and ocd, but dealing with it on a personal level is very different.

Also I don't get the flaming the op has gotten so far. If people can't get past the "writing style" dont read any further!

bogey exactly! It's normal to want the best for your family.

Op, I hope your okay.

The relationship has moved very fast but you can not protect your brother from himself (not from his gf, from himself). For every negative thing you say about her, the same can be said about him but understandably your biased towards his 'side' of the story.

How old is your brother? He sounds immature and inexperienced. He's just bought a house and it's being renovated, how did he think this was going to be financed? As for messaging other women and punching walls, those aren't the actions of a commitment or respect, which he needs to take responsibility for.

If you're worried about his MH encourage him to get support but detach from the drama.

It does sound like a doomed relationship but I also think that they are both as bad as each other.

If she was posting here she would presumably say that they'd had two big arguments - the first one about his untidiness (and he punched a wall) and the second about him messaging other girls.

A lot of what you say about her is trivial - so what if she has more stuff than him, is organising the house renovation or once joked about running off if she won a million pounds. You are just looking at everything she does through a filter now, it must be exhausting for her.

So already we know he lacks self control, is capable of being frighteningly violent and messages other women. There may be more examples of these behaviours that you don't know about op.

There's nothing you can do beyond suggesting they don't rush into the wedding, just be supportive when it falls apart.

I think if this was my brother I would be very clear with both of them and outline my concerns about their relationship and why I didn't think the wedding was a good idea. Maybe none of my business but I'm of the viewpoint that if you feel strongly about something you shouldn't just sit on the fence and passively watch the inevitable car crash but be direct and open about your feelings about it, you don't have to be confrontational or unpleasant just something like you care for them and have have noticed they don't seem happy and seem to be behaving in unhelpful ways and what's going on for them at the moment.

Many people don't like it as they don't deal well with direct and assertive communication but gently calling them out on certain behaviours and asking what that was about it means they can't hide the crazy anymore, and often they realise they can't justify it either. This kind of toxicity often thrives on secrecy I think.

Worst case scenario is they'll see you as a threat and cut contact. This is a possibility but at least your brother will know that he's not unreasonable to have doubts and that you will listen to him and support him any point he does feel ready to talk. And on the bright side, you won't have to go to their cringey sham of a wedding and pretend to be happy for them!

I know a lot of people would disagree with this approach, personally I just feel there's nothing wrong in speaking out and owning your feelings about something and being congruent.

Bad relationship, yes. But he sounds as clueless as her.

Op ignore people saying you are over involved. That's bollocks. If that was the case anyone concerned about anyone else would overly involved.

But then I know where you are coming from. My dbro is married and has kids with someone who controls him and turns family events into an opportunity to embarrass him or start shouting at him. Although in our case he hasn't been texting other girls and that type of thing.

The problem is until he realises it's a problem there isn't anything you can do. Dbro won't listen to anyone and defends his wife, which I also understand.

We have, however, but a stop to her behaviour at family events. That impacts all of us. So of course we have told her directly, that it's not ok.

I hate drama so couldn't date someone like your SIL-to-be but some people enjoy arguing and drama under the guise of having a fiery or passionate relationship.

It sounds like a huge car crash waiting to happen as they are both nightmares and I feel sorry for any future children who are going to have to put up with the cycle of fighting and making up.

They both sound awfully young and inexperienced. Maybe they just need to cool the pressure - buying a place, getting married etc - for a bit and just see if they are right for each other.

I don't think you can get more involved than you currently are. Support him if he comes to you, that's all you can do.

From the responses here I guess I'll just sit back and help if/when it all falls apart.

To clear a couple of things up: the first argument when he punched a wall wasn't about untidiness, it was before she was diagnosed with OCD and she didn't think the way she was going on about the house was unreasonable. He's an averagely tidy person but he couldn't live up to her expectations (getting up at 6am on a weekday to steam mop the floors before work, etc.

They aren't young. Early 30's. He's a passenger in the rel, in life really. I can see why he's attracted to her. She's pretty, funny, a doer etc but to an extreme.he wants an easy life. Like our dad really.

The comment about the house renovation.he knew it would cost a lot but expected work to be done over months/years. She's an impulsive spender. So for example he'd told her he was struggling with money and she still went out and bought 2k shutters (blind things) for the front of their house. They had curtains so it was a completely unnecessary spend.

I haven't actually intervened in anything as it is and I don't think I will now. It's just hard seeing someone you love being pushed from pillar to post and not standing up for themselves.

Stand right back op and leave them to it, neither of them is going to thank you for butting in.
I accept it's a car crash waiting to happen but they're adults and he needs to stop drip feeding you every little tidbit she does or says, he's certainly not helping the situation by doing so.

You don't need to stand back but do be tactful. Why not meet him, say that you recognise his relationship is not easy, nothing is when so much is changing so fast and if he ever wants to talk, you're there?

You don't need to offer your own opinion about anything. Just offer him an outlet and some acknowledgement that it's normal for people to talk through their life-changing decisions with friends or family.

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do, the more you push this the more he'll pull away & end up isolated & stuck with this woman with no support.
As hard as it will be, step back & be prepared to pick up the pieces if/when it all goes Pete Tong.