Does the domestic violence helpline always tell you you've been abused and not the abuser?

[user1466013611]

So my boyfriend broke up with and I was abusive towards him. I posted about it on forums but some people actually said he abused me which I wasn't expecting. One woman told me contact Women's Aid. The woman on the phone listened well. She said she thought my behaviour (although not ideal) wasn't really abuse and said that my boyfriend sounds like the the one who was more abusive. I have also called a helpline for abusers who said I was more the abuser but could only spend 20 mins.

I also posted on the Women's Aid forum and most people said he was probably manipulating me into thinking it was me when it was him instigating and I was just reacting. I was confused and doubting if the helpline was bias after all this mixed opinions and just wanted to discuss further/get second opinion. I then called women's aid again and was told that I couldn't have another phone call as I told them I'd called previously. When I'd said why I was calling I.e. to ask what is abuse in mine and ex boyfriends case. she said they can't tell me if I was abusive. I asked why I could be told that my partner was abusive (when I called up before) but not me and why other helpline said I was abusive. She straight up ignored me. So I just said 'so is there no way I can ask that to anyone then?' She ignored me and told me to ask my therapist. I then just said politely that it was a question about the helpline though and she said to bring it up if I go to a group session at my local WA.

It seems strange that she volunteered that statement but was unable or unwilling to answer my question. It leads me to believe that they really are very bias and it is very confusing. it seems there is no helpline to turn to where they can tell you if you're an abuser and tell you if your partner was abuser as they say you can call to discuss 'what is abuse?' but seem bias?

Please help. I don't understand. Anyone have any experience with this? Or insight?

I was sat at home on my phone or whatever and he comes home from work and runs up to me jumps on the sofa so he's on all fours over me and puts his face right in mine real close and sort of stares eyes wide and tilts his head from side to side. I asked him to stop but he didn't straight away because I guess it didn't register then I asked again and he stopped.

I dunno, I call that abusive, and I wouldn't put up with it. (People who like that kind of "joke" usually do not become my friends, much less more, though)

Doesn't matter much, does it? You shouldn't get back with him, and probably not get into any relationship until you have your OCD under control.

I have the same problem (I don't ask other people to wash their hands, though, unless they want to touch me), and while the behaviour caused by that can seem controlling, I don't think it is motivated by the same reasons as abusive behaviour.
Which doesn't mean your boyfriend should have put up with it, obviously, but does mean you aren't doomed to keep behaving in such a way.

If/when you do get into a new relationship, I recommend you look for someone who is more considerate and doesn't do things that upset you because he thinks it's fun.
Feeling shit makes my OCD worse, that much I know.

Surely, if you were abusive you'd know, deep down? I think you need to go back over your own behaviour and perhaps write it down, so it's clearer and think about your intentions. Or with a counsellor trained to deal with domestic abuse.

It's time to stop asking, honestly. This is the OCD, and it's not helping you. Other people's opinions will never tell you what you think you need to hear because they weren't there. The relationship is over and obsessing over the idea of abuse will not bring it back. It's time to stop asking now, and push harder for a date for your CBT.

"Surely, if you were abusive you'd know, deep down? I think you need to go back over your own behaviour and perhaps write it down, so it's clearer and think about your intentions."

No, this is the LAST thing OP needs, I promise. This is the type of action that feeds and nourishes OCD, it becomes OCD.

I don't subscribe to the view that the OP needs to stop asking entirely, because I think asking that is pretty much the same as telling someone with depression that they just need to get out of bed, pay less attention to their negative thought patterns, be present to their current experience and do what matters. Theoretically of course it is true.. but it misses the point that these compulsive actions are not chosen and require sensitive professional intervention..

(Pushing for a CBT date won't do anything in the NHS, either. It will happen when it happens).

I just found this thread again and am in a more stable mind now thanks mostly to...talking this over with people in real life and on another forum.

I thank everyone for trying to help but honestly what people have been saying about telling me I shouldn't be talking about this and asking for people's perspective is not right in this situation at all.

"I think you need to go back over your own behaviour and perhaps write it down, so it's clearer and think about your intentions."

That is actually a method used in CBT therapy for OCD so...yeah. It is helpful.

I still am not sure what happened in the relationship and whether I was the main abuser and he was reacting or if it was the other around and I was the one who was more reacting. Some people on other forums have said the latter is most likely the case. I'm not saying it is at all but it is a possibility and if it is in fact true then would you tell someone who has just come out of an abusive relationship and has been gas lighted to think it wasn't abusive that they should just stop thinking about and talking to people about it because they have OCD? Either way I know a lot about OCD and I don't think it's helpful to say that you can't talk about certain things you are genuinely confused about with people and should just get over it just because you have OCD. it is not just a matter of OCD is it.

You asked for advice. Repeatedly. You got it. You didn't have to agree with it. A month later you want to make a point that you think most people were wrong?. Let it go.

Be grateful people took the time to comment.

You came back over a month later just to tell people you got advice you preferred on another forum, and scold them for their responses?!

Grow the hell up and just be grateful people were trying to help, even if it's not the help you actually needed wanted

If I was a PP I wouldn't bother posting on one of your threads again.

You're caught in the obsession and telling yourself that what you are doing on forums is related to a specific CBT imaginal exposure technique (or perhaps another technique like Theory A/Theory B) It's not in the way you are doing. The way you were posting was not similar to CBT techniques for making sense of your behaviour but was functionally speaking, reassurance seeking and rumination aka obsessive behaviour.

I know that you see it differently to others and feel that what you are doing in going round and round this loop is related to that and useful processing. Of course what happened to you was wrong no matter what the context was and a lot to come to terms with, and I am so sorry you went through that traumatic relationship and were treated like that.

And repeatedly ruminating on WHETHER you were the abuser or the abused is a understandable reaction to that trauma..

AND an obsessional means of trying to avoid contact with your deep pain that won't help you find closure on it.

The obsession is there in your post, in coming back as you have done a month on to "set things straight". That agitation, that desire to do it over. That's OCD, not a CBT technique.

I'm sorry if i came across like I was trying to have a go at anyone. I said thank you for everyone who posted (because of course I do appreciate it) but I can see how that didn't come across right. And also as I said earlier in this thread do partly agree with everyone saying that I am obsessing and need to do other things to take my mind off it and get my ocd thought s treated with therapy etc. And i'm sorry I didn't make that clearer in my recent post again because it was helpful in that way and that is true. I was looking on here because I wanted to check something else and then it can be helpful to re-read older posts and replies as it gives me perspective and helps me again. I posted again with the intention of being informative not 'scolding'!? anyone or anything like that. I assumed people would be interested and would want to know. I don't have to agree with the advice? But I shouldn't say so? Doesn't make for an informative balanced discussion does it? When I give advice I'm not offended if the person I'm giving it to disagrees because I give advice to help them and it's for them. However, I can see how my post came across wrong I'm sorry if I offended anyone. There's a difference between disagreeing and informing people of such and being rude and agin I'm sorry if I cam across as the latter but I don't think there's anything wrong with former in itself.

@SpecialAgentFreyPie I can also see that you have a strange unhelpful attitude by saying that people shouldn't post on any of my threads. Sounds pretty rude and cruel. So regardless of how the tone of my post came across, what I was saying is still true and you clearly don't understand at all.

I probably won't post on here anymore about anything as I'd be scared to annoy anyone now. But I won't let anyone tell me to 'let it go' just get over it or stop talking about something with anyone else. Even though I don't like to burden people anyway so to be honest actually I probably will let people tell me not to as part of me thinks it's right. But part of me also recognises it doesn't seem fair. Also, I think that group think may have had an influence in the replies here so all the more reason to add a different perspective and also no one really addressed my original question about the advice line as well. I know people don't know but it didn't make sense what the woman on the phone said. But I got my answer from someone else now. Yeah I may have been thinking stupidly about that but at the time that I couldn't figure it out myself that what the second woman said isn't true but I was genuinely confused and didn't know. I don't know how they run their advice line.

And I never said that talking about my relationship etc. online was CBT. I said that someone's suggestion of writing down what happened is part of CBT.

But yes talking about such things is helpful. What isn't helpful is seeking reassurance for something I already know or can figure out myself and this is definitely not it. Someone with OCD is allowed to talk important things through others and it helpful to them just like it can be for others who don't have OCD.

Also why do even care how long it took it me to reply? If it was a reply saying everything everyone said was completely right as an update then would it still bother you?

For this one, you need to get the answer from yourself. Deep in your heart. There isn't a soul on earth, living or dead, who can confirm the question you are asking, only deep trust in your own experience. I hope you find that peace soon.

thanks, yeah eventually it is down to me but talking about this type of thing with other people helps to potentially open our eyes and introduce different perspectives to decide whether they are true for my situation or not. Talking to others is a way to gain knowledge and is helpful. People can point you in the right direction and help you understand things. I don't have to not think for myself or take people's word as gospel for it to still be helpful. I used to have an aversion to talking about my personal problems with others but I have overcome that now and found that it is helpful. I realised that I don't know everything myself and got over my fear of burdening people somewhat. Then after that you can use that to figure out the answer for yourself yes but talking to others still helps of course. They can point out things you never realised. (If I hadn't spoken to others then I would have only trusted my experience from my ex's point of view. The fact even after hearing contrasting opinions from numerous people I still mainly see it from ex's point of view should say something. )

Sweetie, its in the past now, honestly its time to put it away and get on with your life. It doesn't really help blaming yourself or your ex, it doesn't change anything. And going over it again and again isn't helping you either.

Put it away, you are in a happier place now than you were when you were with your ex, and you have so much to look forward to.

Take care of yourself.