I have turned into someone I don't like or recognise

[Shameandregret]

I can't work out if it's a result of the domestic and sexual violence I experienced (I was physically assaulted and raped by Ex H) and left him nearly 2 years ago. Or it's a result of the CPS not prosecuting my childhood abuser due to a technicality.

I have a new partner of 4 months who is absolutely lovely, kind, considerate, loving, respectful. Last night I went out, got completely wasted and slept with a total loser who was a FWB after my marriage split up. I can't even blame drinking because I pretty much planned it.

I didn't cheat in my twat of an ex h once but I feel so disconnected from myself that I don't even feel any guilt about last night. I have such negative views of men (after being raped by two of them) that I did something utterly disrespectful to my partner.

Am I a complete twat? And why would I do that? Why am I feeling like this? I'm a mother of 3 dc's and I'm acting like a teenager. I pretty much hate myself.

When you say you planned it? How?

I went to the pub with him with the full knowledge that if I got drunk I would sleep with him

I feel like I've got my finger on the self destruct button. If something makes me happy I have to fuck it up.

I agree your actions were disgraceful and the fact that you were raped does not and should not be used as a reason to hurt other people.

I think I might have more empathy for your actions if you hadn't planned the whole thing!

Maybe the guy just isn't the one for you

Have you had counselling? X

I think counselling would be helpful. Beating yourself up is not. But you're clearly not in a place for a relationship. Do the right thing for your DP and make the break. Fwiw, being single is a pretty good life.

I agree , you need rape crisis counselling, I could not have survived without it ., you actions could be explained possibly, maybe ptss. I am sorry you have been through this, you will feel so much better .