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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I know it's always meant to be the woman that doesn't want sex, so

17 replies

DetentionGrrrl · 23/01/2007 21:37

what do you do when it's actually the man with almost zero sex drive?

everything i find on the subject of low libido is aimed at women having the ''problem'' and not men.

Does anyone know if i am right in thinking low testosterone levels can be a cause? And if so, can a GP arrange a test for this?

This year is the year we do something about it.

OP posts:

Budababe · 23/01/2007 21:40

Good luck.

11 years and counting here.

Testosterone levels normal apparently - just not interested.

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 23/01/2007 21:41

that's cheered me up greatly.

were they tested by a GP?

OP posts:

Fireflyfairy2 · 23/01/2007 21:42

Is he depressed? I read somewhere that depression can have a bad effect on a males sex drive.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 21:43

He should be checked out medically, DG.

There can be medical causes for it, especially if he was once interested and isn't now.

Does he smoke or drink more than moderately?

Is he on any medications?

Really, an appointment w/his GP is the first port of call.

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 23/01/2007 21:44

he has had depression in the past, but not for a couple of years, and no medication since then either.

I know he's not interested in anyone else, and there's lots of affection there (holding hands, cuddles etc) I know he finds me attractive, there's just nothing happening in that dept.

It's got progressively worse over the last 6 years, and i don't want to end up resenting him. It doesn't help that the 'roles' are reversed and nobody seems to have this problem, and i can't much info on it either.

OP posts:

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 23/01/2007 21:45

expatinscotland- he smokes, but is cutting down slowly. Drinks far more than he should, and every night.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 21:47

It's more common than you think.

And if he's willing to get checked out, it's well worth it.

Also to make some behavioural changes.

If he's drinking lots and every night, he may be depressed as well.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 21:50

How's his weight?

This can also affect libido, as andipose (fat) tissue can secrete hormones.

CheeryGarcia · 23/01/2007 21:52

You might try googling 'low-sex marriage' plus there's a woman called Michele Weiner-Davis who has written lots about this, and what can be done, though I haven't read any.

expatinscotland is right - it's much more common than most people realise.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 21:55

A person experiencing this should ALWAYS be checked over medically first. It is entirely possible there is an at least partially medical cause behind it.

madamez · 23/01/2007 21:56

Sex drive simply does vary from person to person. A useful piece of advice i once read was try not to think of it as one person's 'problem', as there is such a variety: if one relationship breaks up because of differing sex drives, then the person with the lower sex drive may find in his/her next relationship that the new partner has an even lower sex drive: now who's the one with the problem.
What seems to make things worse is getting stuck in a cycle where A (who does want sex) keeps asking B(who doesn't) to the extent that B, feeling under pressure, wants it even less. Something that is supposed to help is to divide up your nights so that half the week A can ask for sex to happen and B can say yes or no, but for the rest of the week A can't ask for sex, though B can initiate it if B feels in the mood.
I have not tried this myself but have heard good things about it: however, it's only got a chance of working if the people involved have good communication, liking and respect for each other - and as long as the sexually-reluctant one isn't firmly convinced that he/she simply doesn't ever want to have sex again.

lupo · 23/01/2007 23:20

another one signing ih here, dh has low sex drive and always me that has to initiate, then feel like he is doing me a favour, so not sure that i wont to keep initiating...drives me mad tbh. not much fun so i sympathise with you

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 24/01/2007 09:06

well i can never initiate, and always get turned down down if i suggest anything, or i get a jokey response.

I can just about remember the days when a flash of my thigh was enough to get his pants off.

Perhaps i'll make an appointment for myself to see the GP and ask a few questions about it. It's starting to make me feel down again (which it does for spells) so maybe it'll be worth seeing a counsellor again. I did it a few years ago and it helped for a bit.

OP posts:

Plibble · 24/01/2007 09:15

This is really common. A lot of my female friends say that their partners have lower sex drives than them. While I agree that if it seems extreme there may be a medical problem, I can't help wondering if it is more to do with men reaching their sexual peak so young and then going off the boil. That, coupled with the perceived norm being that it is men who want more sex, can make it feel like something is really wrong if you have a man who doesn't seem interested.

Have you managed to have a proper conversation with him about this? It's hard (believe me, I know) but he might just not realise that it matters to you. And after a while, you stop missing what you don't have, so maybe that is what has happened to him.

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 24/01/2007 09:57

He knows how much it matters to me, and vice versa. He feels like he fails me, but he just has no feelings there. Well, he does, but it's once every month or two. The longest period was 4 mths about 3 yrs ago.

We do talk, but all he says is that he's sorry, i tell him there's no need to be sorry, we both wish things were different, and the conversation ends there. He doesn't DO anything though, you know, counsellor, GP, research, nothing.

I have resigned myself to the fact this may never change, but if we give it the best bloody go we can, at least we'll have tried.

Our sex life used to be amazing, pure filth for the first 2 years! I'm not expecting that back, just a bit of an effort once a week might be nice.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 24/01/2007 11:14

Show him htis thread.

He needs to start w/his GP, to rule out a physicalcause and even depression.

Smoking and drinking more than moderately or substance abuse can have a big impact on sex drive as well as being indicitative of other conditions such as depression or bipolar disorder.

Once physical causes are ruled out, his GP can help him along the path to determining if there are any psychological or behavioural causes.

I think you need professional help with this, though.

Original poster

DetentionGrrrl · 24/01/2007 11:17

i think so too expatinscotland.

don't know if i'll show him the thread though...might make him feel worse about it.

aw well- we'll see what happens.

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Flip