Can a leopard change its spots?

[BlackGirlAndRobin]

H has been manipulating me, subtly controlling and sexually coersing me for years. I've been lurking here for a long time and posted under various names but I wasn't ready to accept it. Accept that what was happening was abusive. In the last few weeks I've been honest with my eldest bro, now bro no. 3 knows the ins and outs and he's livid.

Tonight H apologised completely out of the blue for years of hounding me, forcing me to have sex against my will and touching me in my sleep. Apparently he's only just dawned on him how wrong it is. And wanted it all out in the open in the hope that we could address it and strengthen our marriage.

He's promising the earth because he's only just realised what he stands to lose. I've been keeping this dirty secret for too long to the detriment of my mental health and he's finally admitted to himself that it's wrong. I don't have the energy to carry on, but I feel like I have to give him one last chance to sort his shit out. I just want this to be over quickly. I want to move away and have a fresh start with our girls. He's pleaded for a second chance. Wants us to get councelling and go to relate together. He's still minimising it all, calls it everything else but what it is. Sexual Assault.

I'm an experienced social worker with a lot of knowledge of abusive relationships and sexual abuse within relationships. You're a quack.

Given that you are not just advising but instructing another poster on another thread to leave 'before he kills you', I think your protestations of counselling priestessly neutrality can be disregarded, Sandy.

You are just someone with very messed up boundaries about sexual violence, which isvpretty scary if you do what you say you do for a living.

I think he has realised you're getting stronger and he's now acting to make you doubt yourself. He feels his comfortable position of power is no longer so he is trying to change things.

I wouldn't discuss things much more with him now. I wouldn't lay my cards on the table more than you already have. He risks using what you say against you at some point since it seems that's what he's always done.

Sandy
I saw a counsellor in bits over an escalating situation of sexual coercion in my marriage that I thought perhaps I wanted or ought to fix but didn't know how. In short, I didn't know where I was and needed help.
You write
The OP didn't call her husband a rapist and I'm not going to do so while she is clearly undecided about staying, otherwise she would not post here.

I left my marriage and I still can't call my exh that word. I don't think not using the word means she hasn't recognised it's totally wrong or that she wants out. In any case the OP uses the words sexual assault and coercion. Does it need to be spelt out more? Had my counsellor assumed that me not using specific language to refer to my situation meant I didn't want to get out of it, I might still be in it. And what's with the suggestion that OP's husband apologises to her brothers? How has it got anything to do with them?

OP - I would keep working on yourself, to build yourself up and quietly continue to plan the exit. I would perhaps tell your H that actually it's too painful to discuss, perhaps not mention leaving again but continue to plan.

My exh apologised but in reality he was furious that I had stepped out of my box finally. After a lull he got worse unfortunately. So I would continue to do what you are doing. If your family will help you, I would let them.

I'm not entirely sure what version of events he's given his family. But I know up until now, I've been made to be unreasonable and demanding too much from him. My MH has been seen as a weakness within myself rather than something as a result of external factors. Perhaps it's a bit of both. Anyway I'm not expecting his family to be supportive of me any way. I have my bro's who have so far been brilliant.

Anyway I did say to him last night that he'd have to come clean to family and mutual friends if there was any chance of moving forward from this. At the very least we need to be amicable for the sakes of our dd's.

For the record, it's taken me a long time recognising the abuse. The fact I didn't use the word term marital rape doesn't make his actions any more acceptable. I'm very angry at the idea of reconciliation, its the last thing on my mind. As much as I want to erase the last 5 years I can't. I'm completely numb, I've spent the day bursting into tears. I met with the DV unit this morning to log it, it was not a pleasant experience. However they have been very supportive.

For now, I need to create some sense of stability for dd's, which means making the next step, sorting housing, applying for a new school place for dd1 and getting back to work asap.

Put your pitchforks down Sandy is expressing a perfectly valid view. You don't have to agree with it. The Op is capable of considering all points made.

It's a bloody lynchmob on the relationship boards sometimes.

I am very glad the DV unit were so supportive. I hope you get away from him asap. I think you are incredibly strong to have put up with him for so long.

Sandy 's view is anything but valid. It's dangerous and simply wrong.