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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me....I've just ruined it....I know it's over....

22 replies

Fedupd0tcom · 08/07/2016 22:30

Coming on here as I've never been this alone.

Been with DH a decade and a half. He was my first everything before I knew about anything. Nearly a decade we been married. Last few years have been miserable. It goes like this, the story of our marriage....I have immense insane work stress that means I hardly see him....my Dad gets terminally ill and spends months, weeks and at one point a year in hospital, when we do get away ILs tag along. Then we have a LO who we both love to bits. Sadly labour is traumatic and when I'm in theatre having tear stitched it brings back flashbacks of something appalling that happened to me when I was a child...the flashbacks bring on pnd which leads to me being suicidal. Then DH finds out he is ill and he has to have op. Then his illness and meds make his personality do a 360 as well. Cue rows. Then we find out Mum is terminally ill. Then I lose the plot completely....I get v ill....totally on self destruct....then I nearly have an affair with a man who made me realise my dreams....luckily we both go our seperate ways but I worry....it's my emotional infidelity going to destroy my marriage to someone I thought was my best friend who I don't even recognise now. Who barely speaks to me. When I try to confide in hon he walks away. He barely speaks to me or wants to go away with lo and I. He says he forgives me for EA with other guy. I have apologised for it for years. He still puts zero effort in relationship. Not speaking with me. Only complements I now get are I'm lazy and I do nothing. I work and am also a carer....such complements wound me a lot.

Anyway tonight I try to talk with him. I tell him I'm fed up of lack of any kind of vague intimacy....emotional or otherwise. Say I'm hurt that at a wedding we went to he chose to dance with MIL and not me. I didn't mind him dancing with MIL but felt that as his wife be could've danced with me first and he always puts her first, over me. He storms off into other room....as he always does when I try to say I'm unhappy....let's try make things better....

Then he says...I wouldn't mind if you danced with your Dad.

Then I went mad and threw cushions across the floor...because my DD died last year and I've still not come to terms with it and think DH is being an utter FB for daring to say that.

Then he walks off upstairs.

Then it's goodnight and off to bed he goes.

No attempt to apologise, reassure or calm.

I'm sobbing now.

All we talked about tonight....apart from row was about what we'd eat for dinner and who was putting lo in bed.

I'm planning to sleep on sofa tonight and then leaving tmrw. Got it all planned.

I've been gp....they think I'm ok just going through a tough time. Having counselling etc.

Marriage counselling...he went once with me and said he didn't think we needed more....so he's not going.

I've tried. I've tried to make him feel loved and beg for forgiveness. Tried to regain trust. Tried to rebuild our relationship. Events around us have rendered it neglected.

I'm shaking.

I don't know what to do but I think I'm leaving tomorrow.

I had this coming. I'm such a stupid bitch.

No wonder I have no friends.

They all, but one, take his side. Not suprised as according to him I'm a bully ....because I complain about what's wrong in our relationship too much. :(

I deserve it. I deserve all the hell.

My poor LO does not.

But I have to go now.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 08/07/2016 22:37

You've been dealt a cruel set of cards there OP. I cannot see how things could've got any worse

Do you think counselling for yourself would help you? You're the important one here, not your DH.

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 08/07/2016 22:38

I am having counselling at the moment but I don't know if it's helping....it's life wading through a quagmire

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 08/07/2016 22:57

Thank you TheNaze

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/07/2016 23:15

Oh dear. You're really having a rough time right now. Sorry about all the stressful things you've had to deal with.

I recommend you continue with the counselling and try and focus on fixing yourself for now. It sounds like you're lacking in confidence and you need to build that back up again.

When you feel stronger, you can take another look at the relationship and decide if it's doing you more harm than good.

You don't deserve hell. Can I ask what you've done to make him feel safe after the EA? As in to regain his trust and show that he's the only one.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2016 23:16

Are you leaving the home?

Is it to take a break and think things through? Or does he want a seperation?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 08/07/2016 23:21

Is he still in his medication?

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 08/07/2016 23:26

After the EA I stay in most evenings. I constantly tell him I love him. I used to book us trips away as well. He doesn't want me to go. I will leave the home as I have somewhere to stay and it's fine for me to stay there. I do feel I just need that space to breathe as I'm feeling suffocated after all that has happened. All I want is someone to talk to me and hold me. He is still on his meds....they've changed him and I don't know him.anymore. He's even so snappy with our lo and sarcy with his own family. He's changed so much and only has a couple of friends.

OP posts:

JustWantHappiness · 08/07/2016 23:35

Op I could have written that.

The only words my dh has said to me since I got in from work "I'm not hungry so can't be bothered to cook" (I've got multiple disabilities and cannot cook) then he disappeared upstairs to play his PlayStation

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 08/07/2016 23:39

for you JustWantHappiness

OP posts:

JustWantHappiness · 08/07/2016 23:41

Thank you

for you too

Atenco · 09/07/2016 03:25

You have been through the mill, haven't you? OP, I'm the old fashioned type who does not think that an EA is in any way the same as an all out affair. So stop being so hard on yourself.

Is there anyway that your husband's medication could be changed for something less toxic?

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 09/07/2016 08:14

I don't think there is. The risk is if it was he could get very well in the intirim and that could put his health and safety at massive risk. He is a good man. But he's changed so much. Oh I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 09/07/2016 08:15

Very unwell if they changed his meds...not well...sorry Atenco....I'm so tired. Not slept most of night....sofa v uncomfortable

OP posts:

Gaspard · 09/07/2016 08:23

The pain on this thread makes me so very sad. OP, you don't 'deserve' this. It's not working out, is it? And at the end of the day, it takes two to fix a broken relationship, you've tried, now please think of yourself and your little one and plan for a better life away from him. This is no way to live. Best wishes

CharlotteCollins · 09/07/2016 08:26

He may be a good man. That's not the point. You're not thinking of leaving to punish him, are you? You have to look after yourself. Especially so if he is unable to be nice to you.

I think giving yourself space is a good idea. Don't worry too much about anything else. Just get out, get a break. Be kind to yourself. Try not to say negative things about yourself because the more you say it the more you'll believe it.

snapcrap · 09/07/2016 08:28

You poor thing OP, you have been through to much and now you are blaming yourself and beating yourself up. Please please try not to be so hard on yourself! Are you on medication yourself? You know it can really help, even a low dose of anti depressants for a short while if you feel you can barely function.

Dutchcourage · 09/07/2016 08:30

Wow you have been through tough Times.

It sounds like you both need space. I'd ask him to go to his mothers for a while so you both can decide if working on it is what you want.

Stop crucifying yourself for the EA. you have apologised.

Original poster

Fedupd0tcom · 09/07/2016 09:27

Thank you all of you for your supportive comments. I've asked him to go to his mothers and be refuses. He won't even talk with me. So I think I will have to go.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2016 09:36

What was your own childhood like FedUp; what sort of an example did your own parents set you here. They have likely played an integral part in you being with such a man now.

I would seek legal advice asap re your H if you have not already done so. He needs to be out of your day to day life and he needs to be the one to leave. You cannot leave your son with him.

He is basically dragging you and your child down with him. Your continual self punishment for the emotional affair is just that, that man showed you that yes you are and can be valued as a person (that was all likely squashed out of you by your parents as well). You had that attraction towards another man mainly because you were and still are so unhappy at home due to your H's behaviours.

Dutchcourage · 09/07/2016 12:49

Attila is right. This isn't check mate because he won't go, there are other options

LesisMiserable · 11/07/2016 10:14

I think you should go.

adora1 · 11/07/2016 16:53

You must go, for your sanity, a break apart is good, it will help you both think clearer, I don't think you deserve the way he's treating you at all, regardless of the EA, he's being down right nasty to you, stop trying to appease him when you get nothing back, two have to make it work, not one, and he's doing nothing so off you go, leave him to it and think about what it is YOU want.

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