Best friend separating from her dh - - what should I say ?

[yellowrose]

I need some 3rd party thoughts and words of wisdom from anyone who has been in a similar situation as my friend.

She has contacted me this week to tell me that she wants to separate from her dh. They live abroad at the moment and have a nearly 3 yo son.

The problem is she has fallen in love with her dh's brother (he also loves her apparently) and doesn't know what to do about it.

I am at a total loss because she somehow wants me to "encourage" the separation with her dh and the involvement with the brother, but I don't feel like this is something I should be doing.

I don't feel moralistic about it (i.e oh my god it is wrong to go off with your dh's brother), but am very concerned about her son. As always, coming from a broken home myself, I see things from the child's perspective.

Has any one been in a similar situation ? What should I say to her ? How do you think a 3 year old will be effected if separated from his father and ends up living with his uncle ?

as someone who has seperted and very swiftly moved onto a new (and happy) relationship my advice to her would be; seperating is a big deal both to you and your son if you really cannot bear to work at your marriage then that is your decision however to hurl yourself into a new relationship with anyone else is really dumb. You will be on the rebound and if it doesn't work out you will have caused huge amounts of damage all around.

Sorry in a rush can't think of how to write this better but these are 2 seperate issues she shouldn't be considering the 2nd one until she's worked thru the first one and had some time on her own before launching into a new relationship.

THis is what I have learnt thru bitter experience I am happy with my dp and am on good terms with my ex but boy did I seriously underestimate the huge emotional cost to myself and my 3 yo dd and the men!

I agree with buffysMum - she needs to separate from her dh and take some time to come to terms with what that means before she piles in with the brother.

This is family destroying stuff - does her dh know?

yes, she has told dh after taking a holiday here in the UK and meeting up with his brother - dh has gone and told whole family - mother and sister are furious and have told brother never to contact my friend again

don't know what to make of his brother - have never met him

i should add that their son was conceived after a very short romance before they were married (i.e they got married for the sake of the child) so whether she was ever that in love with her dh or not has been a bit doubtful

i hope she takes some time out to think about it all although i really can not see her staying with her dh no matter what

I guess you can only listen. If you try and give advice it can only come back to haunt you. eg if you tell her to put off the relationship wth brother and he finds someone else it will be all your fault!

dassie - I fear you are right. I was in similar situation when my best friend fell in love with MY brother and when I told her to back off because he would ruin her (I know my brother too well !) she said I was jealous. A few weeks later after my brother dumped her, she said why didn't you warn me about your brother ???? - but I did !

I am very concerned for my friend esp. as I don't know her brother-in-law (future lover ?) I just hope things turn out ok for her and her little boy. I have offered to help her get accommodation, etc when she returns to the UK, so I hope I can help in a practicle way.

I think you're quite right to focus on the effect on her ds. It doesn't really matter that it's the brother (although imagine the convo: "I used to be married to Daddy but now I'm with your Uncle Alan", eeeeeuuuww). The main thing is to finish one thing before starting another, at least as far as her ds is concerned. My mum left my dad when I was 3, and remarried when I was almost 7, to someone she had only known for six months. She has admitted to wondering "my god what am I doing to my children?" at the time but I am happy to report that 28 years later they are still happily married and my step-dad is the best bloke I know in the whole world.

I don't think you should 'encourage' the separation, she needs to figure that out. Surely your only job is to help support whatever choice she makes? (And hope it is a reasonable one for her ds).

thanks tribpot - you are lucky it turned out well for you. unfortuntaley i got the step father (although i never called him this - i just called him the bloke who married my mum !) from hell. i had absolutely nothing in common with him and didn't really mourn his death (he died a few months ago aged 75)

main reason i resented my step father is because he was the exact opposite of my own father whose loss at only age 62 devasted me

i never forgave my mum for leaving my dad it has soured my relationship with my mum to this day

so i know first hand how hard it can be on the kids when they end up with crap step parents and esp. when they still genuinely love their biological parents

i also hope that my friend does the right thing for both of them