Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband not talking to me

26 replies

crossroads3 · 07/07/2016 17:50

In the past I have got us out of his endless silences by sending him emails etc... This time I am not going to do it as I know for a fact that the reason he started his silence (almost 2 weeks ago) was ridiculous. He got very cross about a mistake I had made and then said he was not going to talk to me..

Sooo this time there will be no emails as obviously our "relationship" is completely dysfunctional and I cannot carry on with these silences every 2 or 3 months (this time it's only 6 weeks since the last one).

I plan to massively declutter and put some of my stuff into storage as I honestly think that this time we are headed for divorce.

My question is, how do I survive emotionally in the meantime while he carries on blanking me while being lovely to the kids. It is very hurtful and makes me feel constantly anxious / ridiculous.

OP posts:

adora1 · 07/07/2016 17:54

Feel for you OP, that must be exhausting, depressing and would make me extremely angry, it's a form of abuse and very childish, I think you are doing the right thing by considering separation - maybe it's the shock he needs to stop acting like a 12 year old.

This kind of behaviour is soul destroying for the receiver, tell him you are not taking it anymore and ask him what he wants because you don't want this anymore.

TheNaze73 · 07/07/2016 17:56

I'd front him up on it & tell him your plans

gamerchick · 07/07/2016 17:58

Plan on splitting up.

This environment is toxic for your kids as well as you. You need to get them out of there.

Personally I think I would pack his bags and fling them out the front door after dispatching the kids elsewhere and tell him not to come back until he was over himself.

Original poster

crossroads3 · 07/07/2016 17:59

I can only tell him when I have made plans and organised my stuff (and I would be willing not to follow through if he showed in any way that I mean something to him) because if I do it now he will start the equivalent of a cold war which will lead to my having a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:

Original poster

crossroads3 · 07/07/2016 18:03

It's like I can't function without his approval. Being at home just makes my heart sink and I have a permanent knot in my stomach.
How do I stop feeling like this and get on with with I need to do?

OP posts:

thefourgp · 07/07/2016 18:08

It's a form of abuse. My dad sometimes does this to my mum and it makes me so angry with him. Totally agree that this environment will be toxic for your kids. He uses this method to control, dominate and degrade you. You shouldn't ever have to try to sweet talk him into speaking to you. You're his wife and deserve to be treated with respect - even when he's unhappy with something you've done or said. Arrogant prick.

handslikecowstits · 07/07/2016 18:08

Don't know if this helps but I was brought up by a sulker. My parents refused to speak to each other for months at a time. It made me very anxious.

My father did it to hurt my mother and make her run after him as you've done with the emails. Thing is, after a while my mother knew why my father was doing it and detached completely. You should not engage with a sulker. It is abusive of them to send you to Coventry for any perceived slight. It also shows them up for the childish tool that they are.

So my advice to you is to detach as much as possible. If he wants to be a cunt, let him. Live your own life and let him get on with his sulks. What I suspect will happen is that he'll realise that you're not chasing him any longer and he'll panic. He might run after you, he might not give a shit. I'd LTB anyway but that's up to you. You already have children, why put up with an abusive manchild too?

handslikecowstits · 07/07/2016 18:13

Oh and ask yourself this OP: why do I want this skidmark's approval anyway?

thefourgp · 07/07/2016 18:17

You can function without his approval. You have been continuing your life and daily tasks without speaking with him for two weeks. You can do it for the rest of your life too. This prolonged dismissive and passive aggressive behaviour has and will continue to wear away your confidence. He's not going to change his behaviour. This abuse gets him what he wants - You begging him for attention and acting as though you are inferior to him. You're absolutely not inferior to him. Please start planning to leave.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/07/2016 18:25

Spend as little time in the same room as him as possible. Are your kids old enough to leave while you go in the bath/watch TV in the bedroom/?

Wear headphones all the time even if you're not listening to anything.

Never look at him.

The more you do your own thing the better

And leave him. Properly leave this abusive wank stain.

HelsBels3000 · 07/07/2016 18:30

What a douche. Tell him to grow the fuck up! In fact I think I would probably spend as much time as possible screaming abuse in his face safe in the knowledge he wouldn't respond! How very satisfying.

Original poster

crossroads3 · 08/07/2016 06:55

You can function without his approval. You have been continuing your life and daily tasks without speaking with him for two weeks.

I can function kind of - I've been going to work (work is a lovely, ordered, respectful place to be) and that's about it. I find that the more anxious I am, the less I do - I kind of freeze.

So I don't know how to do all the things I need to do while I am daily faced with what seems to be h's hatred of me.

How can I stop feeling so anxious when it feels that the world is falling down around my ears - is that even a saying??

OP posts:

Bottomchops · 08/07/2016 07:02

You stop being anxious by removing the source of the anxiety: him. Haven't you posted before? I recognise your name. You won't leave will you? I think remember you.

crazybat · 08/07/2016 07:04

You are in an abusive relationship. Please contact woman's aid.

I can imagine how stressed this is for you. I would end up losing my temper and walk around banging saucepans until he screamed shut up! Just to win

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 08/07/2016 07:09

I don't have experience of this but am curious / nosey
If he doesn't speak to you do you still cook for him etc? Do you basicly treat him like hes "normal" but mute ?
"Normal" but mute and needing pacifying ?
Or
what happens if you goad him ?
And if you..let's say..hid all his underwear, would he just ignore it so he could carry on sulking?
Or does it escalte in other ways if you make his behaviour impact back on him?

IdaDown · 08/07/2016 07:11

It's like I can't function without his approval. Being at home just makes my heart sink and I have a permanent knot in my stomach.
How do I stop feeling like this and get on with with I need to do?

By leaving him.

Dozer · 08/07/2016 07:17

He is abusive - please seek help from health professionals for your anxiety and tell them the cause, and from a womens organisation. Perhaps counselling for yourself from someone with knowledge of emotionally abusive relationships. Read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that". Investigate money, benefits, housing options, paperwork on his income, pensions etc.

His abuse is harming the DC too.

He is very unlikely to change, even if he promises to.

Shakey15000 · 08/07/2016 07:17

By reversing it. See it as it is you who is refusing to communicate with a twat like him. And that's because you're steeling your resolve and concentrating on what you need to do to end an abusive relationship

starsandstripes2016 · 08/07/2016 07:21

I'm just coming out of a similar relationship. The transition time between knowing the silences are completely unacceptable and feeling able to leave is a time to gain strength and confidence. Now when I feel lonely and scared I reassure myself that this has been a familiar feeling throughout my marriage and I have coped. Consequently I will cope when in a matter of weeks I am a single parent managing the same worries but without the added burden of a partner who completely disassociates. Think not about the loss but what you will gain. My very best wishes to you.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 08/07/2016 07:21

The only way you will be free of his influence is by leaving him. Until you can achieve that you have to start detaching. Consciously decide to detach your emotions from him and do it. Every time you think fond thoughts about him change your thinking to something shit he has done. Remind yourself that you will be happier in the end. And give up on the idea that your marriage is fixable.

PurpleWithRed · 08/07/2016 07:24

Maybe go to relate on your own? I found that Really helpful, a clear space and place to think and work things out.

I'm a freezer too, I freeze in conflict situations. It infuriates me, my brain stops working. I can't stop it happening but it helps to understand it: if I know it's going to happen I can plan my way round it a but. The trouble with being bad at conflict is that at the time I'll do anything to make it go,away. Result? Nearly 20 years' unhappy marriage.

Your dh is completely pathetic by the way. "I'm not going to talk to you". Fgs. Email him the divorce papers.

MudCity · 08/07/2016 07:24

This is such an awful situation to be in. It's cruel, really cruel and controlling.

I think you should have a chat with your GP regarding your symptoms of anxiety and what you can do. Personally, (and I have said this on other threads), I would recommend you learn meditation or mindfulness...there are courses everywhere these days and these practices can really help in dealing with anxiety and negative emotions.

Decluttering and getting yourself organised is an excellent idea...really constructive action and will help you feel more in control of your situation.

Depending on what your DH is like when he is not ignoring you, you may want to try relationship counselling...you don't have to go as a couple, you can go on your own....it can help you look at your options and may help you see things in a clearer light. You don't have to tell him what you are doing.

One thing for sure is you don't have to put up with this. Start to carve out a life for yourself....find an evening class to do, go out with a friend for coffee, go for walks. Remove yourself from the toxic environment and get out more. It will help you gain perspective.

Try not to show him that you are upset or anxious by his behaviour. Instead, if you can, be joyful. Smile, hum tunes to yourself, keep busy, go out...do not let his behaviour control you. Take your power back and take control yourself.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You will get through this but you will need support so start building that support network if you can

starsandstripes2016 · 08/07/2016 07:25

Also, I strongly suspect the reason I have tried to manage the silences is instinctively I know that if I put any expectation for change then my STBXH will lash out violently and physically and I don't think my situation is unusual.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2016 07:26

Perhaps thinking about the awful lasting effect living in an abusive home is having on you Dc will help focus your mind enough to LTB

This talk of organising your stuff and decluttering is just an excuse to not do anything definite isn't it?

Get your arse into gear and leave him before the damage to your children becomes too great

Lookatyourwatchnow · 08/07/2016 07:33

OP, you need to be brutally,honest with yourself. That wake up call you are hoping he Is going to have is never going to happen, is it? He doesn't need you to pack bags and threaten separation to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and the effect it is having on you. He is doing this to you because this is who he is. He is getting something out of it. Do you think that this endless pattern is any way for you and the children to live? You need to leave him, not scaremonger him in the hope he will apologise and talk to you again (until next time he isn't), leave him and mean it.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread