School mums

[alienmama]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to express how difficult I find socialising with other school mums. My kids have been in their current school for 3 years now, and although I do know and chat to many more people than I did first, I still feel like a complete alien.

I am usually ok with it as I only drop off and pick up the kids, but events like sports day are only reminder of how inadequate I feel in such situations. I look at them all and they seem to get on so well, chatting away and giggling, and I end up thinking the problem lies with me. Recently I picked my kid up from his friend's house, and his friend's mum had a couple of friends over, so I sat down with them and chatted over a glass of wine. They all said they felt the same about socialising at the school gate. They all found it painful.

Sometimes I wonder if it is to do with the fact that I am not British, I have a different culture, but still I have been in the UK for over 12 years. I do feel isolated, but equally, I'm not keen on small talk, never have been.

I'd really like to hear about other mums' experiences, and hopefully feel less of a weirdo !

It's not you.

I have a friend through our DDs being friends, but we also used the same childminder when they were babies and thought to after school pick up.

I'm friendly with a couple of others and mine are in high school now, but most of the mums in my other DCs year were not my kind of people.

I found them to be too much into gossip and their kids had poor behaviour that I wouldn't want my DC around out of school anyway.

To be blunt, I found them to be somewhat thick and shallow.

Small talk is how I've built my relationships with other mums
Then some people you click with more what Sistermoonshine says.

I rather like small talk and think it gets way too denigrated.. You can have a lot of fun with it if you want to. You can also say quite a lot thats meaningful if you want to, hidden in the humour or philosophical sighs . If all else fails a "Hi how are you" and a smile is often enough.

I think the good thing about this is that, if you're shy, people will start to come to you which again makes it easier to respond ...

I would add that in some places lots of people aren't that friendly, but hopefully you will always find a few.

Some people no matter what stage of life like being part of a group, I guess it's a feeling of security. Nothing wrong with groups, unless they are being hostile and deliberately bitchy / unfriendly. I like chatting to people at the school gates and there are certain mums I get on well with, my daughter's favourite friends the s year have mums I click with, could just be a nice coincidence, in the past I went out of my way to be friends with dd's friends mums then found in some cases it's pointless, we had nothing in common and just didn't click, it's just been lucky this year in my daughters new class that she met 2 girls who are v similar to her and they've become her close friends, and their mums are both v nice and easy to get on well with. One of them has become a good friend, we're very similar too and we enjoy socialising outside of school as well on mums nights at the pub 🙂

But I've also met mums who have not been so lovely and for a while I decided to really back off from chatting to people and trying to "make friends", you don't automatically get on just because your kids do, or you've been thrown together with kids in the same class or at parties every weekend when they're in reception and year 1. One mum last year was always really off with me, no idea why, our kids got on and we had mutual friends, but she started to freeze me out inviting the other mutual friends and their children for play dates and leaving me out of mums nights out she organised, it hurt my feelings at the time but made me more realistic about mum friendships and and like with any friends you make it's quality not quantity for me! X

The comparison of these moms being co-workers is good. The chance of work relationships and school mom relationships surviving a job change or a school change are slim. The relationships are mostly situational and superficial. I wouldn't even bother beyond the bare minimum or maybe just use it as a place to practice small talk for future purposes. If you fail at the small talk practice, no harm, no foul.

Certainly not just you. I hate the school gate mum thing. When I was part time and did it twice a week I usually stood on my own. Odd one or two people would chat. But like you op i just can't do small talk. My youngest daughter's friends mum's are easier to get along with. Once I went full time and then heaven forbid my husband left me, I was barely spoken to again. At least that's how it feels. I wish I could be better at it for my dc's sakes. I do try. Just be rest assured you are not alone and just be yourself. Don't be something you aren't.