My children's father's are ruining my life.

[Hunterflower7]

Hi all
Just looking to vent really.
My eldest children's father has pretty much gave up all the contact that he took me to court for. We have a child arrangements order and he has now decided he doesn't want them overnight anymore, Infact he has them once per week for around 5/6 hours. This is whilst I am working, they are preschoolers and I work when they are in nursery, and I get exactly zero break or rest to myself anymore. I take them to nursery, go to work, pick them up from nursery with no time Inbetween.
He says he is justified in this that he pays extra child maintainance now- and extra sum of £17 per week when he has dropped 2/3 overnights. How am I supposed to pay for any kind of childcare with the £17!
I know I am within my rights to take this back to court for an enforcement order, but at the moment I just don't have the money for it, the time off and to arrange childcare, and also my mental health is not great, I have lost motivation and struggle to get through the day with everything on my plate.

I am also pregnant, approaching third trimester which is adding to the exhaustion. This baby's father is a manipulative, conniving and very clever man that was both physically and mentally abusive to me. He continues to emotionally blackmail me, and refuses to cut contact, despite me changing number, coming off all social media- he makes up new email addresses constantly, asks how me and baby are. I try to ignore these but sometimes I cave. He is clever enough to not write anything abusive on the emails, but he will ask me to call him urgently, that's when the threats start.
I am drained. I am emotionally exhausted. Gp refuses to prescribe medication, I have been referred for counselling. I can't see it working, as I have these two idiots in my life now dictating my every move. Life is a struggle, everyday is hard, emotionally, psychically and financially, yet these dickheads are allowed to live their lives as they please, whilst my life is one constant battle. Why is this allowed, life was not meant to be like this for me

I think it is well past time we stopped blaming women for making 'bad relationship choices' simply because after the children were conceived the fathers decided to be crap people.

People instead need to ask the fathers why they aren't making better choices re their children and they need to be given support to make better choices.

I can sympathise hugely ATM, focus always seems to be on what the mother has done to stop the father's crapness affecting the DC which I think is fair enough as genuinely IS part of a parent's job but deeply unfair that the other side of things - investigation into crap fathering and intensive support to improve does not seem to ever happen.

That just reinforces the idea that a man can walk away from being a dad if he wants and if he does the woman is responsible.

Apart from the very negative affect that has on women and children it lets down the men whose lives IMO would be immeasurably improved if they were given proper intervention and support to improve their parenting.

And hunter - asking for help is not admitting defeat. You are entitled to expect help from others when you need it, as a right IMO.

I am a Lp and have done it on my own since for 8 years..

The unborn baby , just block... make no contact at all for now.. The eldest unfortunately it sucks NRP gets to pick and choose how much of the contact order they take up..I believe you can apply for a variation but that would be to change the court order to what he is doing. Are you going through CMS? do you know his income are you likely to get more that way.

As for the support. you need. I used to feel bad asking for help as I felt if his own dad couldn't do it how could I ask anyone else.. I have learnt. If I don't take up offers of help then I am a not helping myself or DS... I will also say people do like to help...Sometimes it is nice to be given something useful to do.

OP, just want to reiterate that you shouldn't feel bad to ask for help.
I have a dsis and lovely dnephew. Her dp is very much in the picture and they're always out and about, doing stuff. I always thought she enjoyed it so never offered childcare. Then one day she rang out of the blue and asked me to have dn for a few hours because she was stuck - we had a lovely time and I told her so. And before I knew it, she told me she is either working, cleaning or with dn. Her DP works mad hours and she never has time to just 'be.' Honestly, was like a revelation to the 2 of us - she needed a break and I love spending time with him. Win win! No weakness in that at all.
It's different now as he's in school and her job has changed but he still comes to me regularly and we go off and do something together so dsis can have a break (she often spends it drinking tea, eating cake and watching trash tv)

Ps Also consider not putting new baby's dad on the birth certificate. Is he likely to push for contact? If not, when you don't make it easy, he'll just drift away...

I completely agree - you are getting the right amount of maintenance? Have you run the figures through the CSA calculator? Worth considering especially if he is not having any overnight contact.

It seems v unfair that an absent father can pursue a mother via court to establish contact but if he decides not to see his own DC there is absolutely nothing the mother can do to enforce it. Mind you, why someone would choose to not see their own DC very much, if at all, is pretty much beyond me.

Yes unfortunately we went through the Csa so no disputing the amount

Starry- I will ask for help more, I don't think it's that people don't want to help, I just need to speak up more. Finding it harder than ever being pregnant- made a rod for my own back so to speak.

Handbag- that's lovely to hear what a positive relationship you have with your nephew, unfortunately no sibling help here, but my parents are great- just busy super busy themselves with work, looking after elderly grandparents etc.
Also I have considered the birth certificate issue, just worried of the repercussions if it does go to court. He is all talk about willing to be involved in child's life, but not sure how much of that is to regain control of me. I think I'd prefer it to go to court- so the decision making is taken away from us so to speak. Too much manipulation from him, and I guess bitterness and hatred from me.

Smiling- it's very unfair. I'd like to enjoy my children whilst they are still small, and I do, but just a little break every once in a while would lovely. Saying that though, when they used to go for weekends I'd miss them terribly- house far too quiet. Catch 22.

Yup Catch 22 indeed - and you kind of want their father to love them as much as you do and treat them nice too. Heartbreaking all round :(

Talk to MWs if GP isn't helpful. You won't be the first nor the last who've been in this situation and they will have seen it all before and will know who/what can be more helpful

We know what sandy meant.

Don't think you do actually.

SandyY2K what has that got to do with the current situation? It's not like she can go back in time and make a different chose is it!

It might prevent a fourth child to an irresponsible man in the future though.

It's either a terrible case of bad luck that 3 men who are fathers of your kids turn out to be useless or you don't /didn't know them as well as you thought you did.

I'm wondering if these men are great to begin with and suddenly become useless or if you ignored some red flags.

I know there are useless mums and dads out there, but to ending up with one of those as the father of your child 3 seperate times ..... well... it's a tough one.

You might be a prescient psychologist Sandy, but not everyone is. Care to give dates and times that she may have missed these red flags, since you clearly know so much about it?

Any chance she could have loved these people at the time? They're called manipulative abusers for a reason.

Do you know anything at all about the dynamics of abusive relationships?

Do you honestly believe criticising someone for their ex's behaviour in any way helps them to 'pick better next time'?!?

Women who are vulnerable often end up in abusive relationships over and over again. That is usually because they are vulnerable and easily spotted by abusive men.

Beating them down and blaming them for other people's bad behaviour helps someone vulnerable get less vulnerable how exactly?

It's two fathers thanks sandy, not 3. And like I've stated-but you didn't care to read, the father of my eldest two isn't/ hasn't been abusive. We split amicably, he's just recently been an arse in regards to the children and contact.

The other one yes he was and is abusive. It started during pregnancy when I became very unwell, admitted to hospital them home for bed rest. His manipulative nature obviously took advantage of my vulnerable side. I was 13 weeks pregnant when he was first violent to me. Believe me I wish that episode was 13 weeks before and I would not be in this predicament, but we can't all be perfect can we

Meh rather have three kids with two dads, be out of an abusive relationship at the first sign and before the child is born than be some idiot who thinks being helpful is throwing sexist criticisms at a person who is feeling down...

Sounds like your GP is one of the more enlightened ones, I agree that this isn't really a medication issue. You don't have a mental health problem, you have a dickhead problem!

Counselling will absolutely be a good idea as it will help you be more assertive with these two twunts and to deal with communication with them in a more helpful way.

Well it is common for violence.Domestic abuse to increase in pregnancy but eitherway...Victim blaming is not helpful...

Do you really think Sandy...These men start been arseholes..

Don't answer the phone to idiot father of baby, just don't answer numbers you don't know and block any you know are his. He sounds foul. Record any contact.

Sandy I think yiou have no idea of how abuse in a relationhsip starts.
In particular, none of these men show themselves as being arsehole. It creeps up, so slowly that you might not notice it. It starts in pregnancy when they feel you are weaker and in some ways 'stuck' iwth them.

Hunter I think you are fantastic and a very strong person. Many women who have found themselves in that situation, where violence strated with the pg, stay with their abuser. Partly because their self confidence has been destroyed before hand anyway, partkly because they still see all the 'good' sides, partly because, let's face it, it's bloody hard to leave.

Just one more thing. You aren't accepting defeat by asking for help. It's normal to ask for help. We are meant to be gregarious animals and there is nothing good about always 'being strong' if this means you put your health and MH in jeopardy. Believe me, I know.
Your dcs need you and they need you as healthy as possible. It's important for them that you look after yourself and that means asking for babysitting from time to time. That'OK. IT's not selfish or weak. It's looking after after them.

Hunter, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Lots of people here understand the insidious nature of abuse; in a horrid way you were lucky in that he started hurting you quickly and badly enough so that you could see incontrovertibly what he was. Even with that, it can be hard to get away, so bloody well done for getting out.

Don't get involved in contact with him while you're pg, what goes on in your life is none of his business. Once the baby's born it'll be different, but don't invite trouble atm, keep well away.

Have you contacted WA hunters? They may be able to advise you.

I know that you are not with him now (well done for that) but I would also have it noted with your GP/HV of the physical abuse in case it escalates in the future.

Also, I would not tell him when you are in labour (tell the midwife that you do not want him to see him in the ward) and register the baby ASAP.

Do you really think Sandy...These men start been arseholes

Sometimes they do, but they throw in the odd bit of good or okay treatment and that's enough to keep it going.

What a shame the older DCs father is not as interested in his own dcs as he could be, very sad. It will be his relationship with them that will suffer and long term he may regret his lack of interest and wish he'd been a better dad. Sad for your dcs too, that their dad isn't all that great really. But he is choosing this and I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it. ( Because I'm assuming that if you thought you could talk to him and help him see the error of his ways you would have already tried that ) Now you know this about him, you need to equip yourself with as much help as you can get to try to ensure you get some time off occasionally (difficult with a new baby I know)
I assume that if the father of unborn baby is and has been violent towards you, then he wouldn't be allowed to look after a baby. I would have no qualms about keeping him completely out of the equation, if that's possible.

Sorry they're making your life so difficult, especially while you're pregnant.

Hope your pregnancy goes smoothly and good luck.

Hi hunterflower, how did you get on? I know it been a while now but Would love an update to the thread 💐