How do you get love and intimacy back into a relationship?

[Borderline69]

I don't know what has gone wrong with our relationship. I know it's me but I can't seem to make it better despite me thinking I'm trying (despite my husband disagreeing).

Basically I don't like kissing in general, I'm fine with a peck but I feel like i want to get away if we kiss passionately. Also with sex, I can have sex if it gets going quickly and is over quickly otherwise I feel myself getting panicky and it's obvious I don't want to be doing it and turns my husband off.

Last night I tried to initiate sex (not that i really want to buy if i do happen to feel horny info as I know sex is important to my husband). He wanted me to take the complete lead, kiss lots of foreplay etc. I quickly lost the feeling of being horny (I know terrible!) and was trying for his sake but started feeling panicky as I didn't want to be doing it. My husband picked up on it and went and slept somewhere else. This morning he's really pissed off as its the same thing over and over. I don't blame him but he said he doesn't want me to bother unless I put in more effort.

To be honest I'd be happy not having sex with him ever again, but that's not fair on him. I used to have panick attacks during sex but I've worked internally so hard suppressing those feelings and it has got better, but he can't see me making an effort.

I enjoy cuddling etc so know I love him but don't want intimacy. I really wish I did and I want to wave a magic wand and make me want to want him. Can someone help me, I need to sort this before our relationship goes down the pan.

Do you know why you don't like kissing? For me that is so intimate & gets me going. It is so intimate that some prostitutes don't allow kissing, yet will allow a man to lob his cock up her fanjo.

Do you think counselling will help?

Could you explain all of this to him? Would you like him to take the lead & dominate? Would that help?

Have you had help and support for whatever caused the panic attacks to start? That's key here, I think?

Also, your partner needs to be loving and gentle and accepting that sex is, for whatever reason, triggering you to panic. Him sulking and getting moody is the last thing you need.

Is there anyone that you enjoyed kissing? Did you used to enjoy kissing him? Did you have a traumatic experience earlier?

I did used to enjoy kissing. But now that makes me panic too.

In an ideal world for me, I would start my being strikes massaged etc until I'm relaxed and then start sexual stuff. But I understand my husband doesn't want to be doing that all the time and would like it to be him sometimes. For me though if I'm not relaxed and feel safe then I can't seem to give him what he needs. I can 100% see his point as its like its 100% my way or not at all.

For the last few years though my anxiety was much better, I could pleasure him without feeling horney myself to start with and then sometimes I did start to feel horney and join in. It's just never starts that we both have intimacy form the start which he wants and has been pushing for recently.

There was something minor that happened when I was younger that I thinking playing a part although was never a problem with other partners. I think with my husband, for the first few years, he wanted sex a lot a would pressurise for it and sometimes get pissed off if it didn't happen which brought back fears. I stupidly let this go on for a while and when I finally had the confidence to tell him about my past he backed off massively and was understanding. This gave me time to work on my issues but they have never disappeared.

There's a lot to unpick here... I know you say you've worked on the issue of what happened in the past, but did you do so through counselling? That might help you a lot. Do you think you'd be able to talk to your GP about you you've been feeling and reacting, and seek a referral?

I'm not sure how much the impasse you're at with your husband is down to that, and how much it's down to him being a bit of a twat, really. (And sorry to say that.) Pressurising for sex isn't okay. And although you say he backed off and was understanding, he clearly didn't back off for long enough, and isn't exactly being understanding right now, from the sound of it?

For me though if I'm not relaxed and feel safe then I can't seem to give him what he needs. I can 100% see his point as its like its 100% my way or not at all.

I see your point and not his. It is entirely natural to need to feel safe to have sex with someone. I personally would not have sex - or even share a bed - if I didn't feel safe with them. And if I didn't feel relaxed I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex, so wouldn't want to have it. If my partner is keen then he can see what he can do to make me feel relaxed - whether that's talking through worries and concerns with me, or giving a massage or whatever really. But he shouldn't be doing that to get me to feel relaxed enough for sex - but because he wants me to feel relaxed and happy whether or not we have sex that night.

Does this make sense?

It sounds like you're under pressure from all angles OP and that may well be at least part of why you feel panicky. There is pressure from your DH whether you realise it or not, his previous reactions and the fact that he strops off to sleep elsewhere and is pissed off the next morning when things don't go 'right' must make you feel very pressured. You say it's your way or not at all but it actually sounds more like its his way or not at all to me. I've had a lot of issues around sex, anxiety and panic reactions due to being raped in the past and my DH has been endlessly patient and considerate, doing everything possible to make me feel safe and relaxed. He understands that I don't always want to give up if things start to go a bit wrong during sex, that sometimes stopping isn't what I want to do but that I need him to be a certain way so I can get over the panic and we can carry on once the panic subsides. I hate the fact that a past experience can affect my life and relationship now with him so he's learnt what I need from him in that situation and he does it without question or a hint of a strop because things aren't 'straightforward'. Your sex life should be a joint enterprise, if one of you has a problem then both of you need to put effort into sorting it out, it's to both your benefit after all! I think you've fallen into the trap of feeling inadequate because of reactions and feelings that you simply cannot help, the fact that he hasn't reacted with concern and care for you, more frustration and resentment, has meant that not only do you feel pressure from him you also put pressure on yourself and that just increases the likelihood that you will panic. I agree with Somerville that you would probably benefit from some counselling to work through the incident in your past and then following on from that you either need to be able to work out and clearly communicate with your DH what you need to build your confidence and the intimacy between you (and to be able to rely on him to do what you need for a while until you feel safe) or you may need to think about a sex therapist to help you both understand what needs to happen to put this right. He needs to want to help you though, not just get stroppy and frustrated when things don't go just the way he wants them to. With this kind of problem you have to approach it as a team or it won't get better, my DH sees it very firmly as our problem, not mine and that takes all the pressure (and guilt) off me, I think that's what you need from your DH.

It sounds like your DH is trying his best to be understanding here - I can't see why he is being blamed by other posters when you yourself acknowledge he is not to blame and backed off when you spoke to him about your fears. People naturally feel frustrated and confused when they become out of sync sexually. Is there a possibility you could alternate between one time lots of massage and stroking rtf and one time a bit more spontaneous and instant as it were and build trust that way again?

He knows you suffer anxiety and panic attacks, you've tried, you've made an effort and he still blasts you for it, he doesn't actually sound very understanding of you as a person in your own right, you are not there to service him, don't like how he pressured you in the past to have sex, that's never right and he should be a bit more supportive of your issues, you are trying! I'd sit him down and say what you have said here.