Have been debating for ages about whether to ask for advice and support about this, and as such I want to make clear from the start that I do not want to leave my DH. I love him very much, we are for the most part happy and I want this to work.
Ever since we met DH has kept things from me, when I eventually find out he usually says he was too scared of my reaction to let me know. I think that often it is easier for him to let me find out as that way he can let me react and the row becomes about that and not the fact that he hid it in the first place. It is usually about fairly minor things spending, smoking etc. DH has had many family difficulties and was very unwell for a long time.
However, just after we had DD in the (middle of the above events, but before he had cancer) I became unwell with PND, which I had counselling for. Whilst I was unwell he became distant and started going out more, he became very close to a female colleague. I would like to say here that I know he did not have an affair, but that colleagues at work used to joke about how he felt and that instead of thinking of our marriage he continued until he got a wake up call. Bascially I found out again. He was extremely defensive as he hadn't actually done anything, but I felt it completely betrayed as it was something he had kept from me again. For several years we struggled with this, coming close to seperating and eventually had counselling. Since we went for counselling we have been very happy and I felt reassured. However last week I found out he kept something from me again. Something minor, he started smoking again, but it just makes me feel that he hasn't taken my feelings into account again.
My question is how do we deal with this, I knew he was like this before we married, but equally I went through years of counselling to deal with the anxiety that people were keeping secrets from me. I don't want him to make promises he can't keep, but I don't want to spend my life waiting to find something out and resenting him for that.