Was this an abusive childhood?

[ShadowsCollideWithKittens]

I'm in a bit of a mess, I've been having a very tough time lately and mentioned some stuff to my GP, who looked horrified, and recommended counselling.

My family are, or at least appear to be very close. Family and friends comment on it all the time. How they wish they had the kind of relationship we have.

However. My Dad has always been pretty violent. I once woke up to him pinning my Mum to the wall by her throat. The worst argument I remember was when I was 9, he barricaded them both in the kitchen, I remember screaming for my sister to go and get our lovely next door neighbour to intervene, as I was terrified. He once tried to push me down the stairs. He once tried to push my Granny down the stairs. On Christmas Eve.

In honesty (and of course it's no excuse for the violence), my mum was pretty awful too. She used me as her sounding board. I got all the details as to how the much younger man she was having an affair with dumped her. Aged 12. I'm still getting that shite. There's quite a strong chance that, based on the number of affairs my Mum had, and when I was born, that my Dad isn't actually my Dad.

She used to rant and scream at me. Then weep on my shoulder, then rant some more depending on her mood. If I ever dared to be the voice of dissent, ever disagreed with her, she was hideous to me. I spent a lot of time hiding away from their angry outbursts.

I'm questioning everything right now. I thought I had a lovely childhood, but now I'm thinking that wasn't the case. My only stability was my lovely Granda, who is now dead. So maybe that's why I'm questioning.

It was tough. Was it abusive though? I genuinely have no idea.

Oh op and lots of them. You've spent so many years being conditioned that what you went through is normal,it's hard to switch off from that now. Hard,but not impossible. Your mother(and sometimes you) was physically abused by your father. You were emotionally abused by your mother. And when it comes to abuse there's no such thing as "not too bad", "not as bad as others" etc.
As for the image your parents present to the outside world.....that image came at your expense. Do you think people would look the same at them if they showed their true colours? Of course not...that was kept inside and on the shoulders of a very small,innocent and defenceless child. Just shows how selfish and cowardly they were.

OnTheRise
'It is. But it's SO worth it. A year ago I was having anxiety attacks, I was breaking my own teeth because I was clenching my teeth together so hard, I couldn't talk to anyone, and I would run away from loud noises or strange people because I was so frightened'. This strikes a major chord with me. That's exactly how I am. I jump when there's a loud noise on the TV. I grind my teeth. I can barely talk to anyone. Leaving the house gets me in a panic.

I'm so, so glad that you have been able to make a fresh start. Fair play to you! It's incredibly difficult. And thank you for your lovely support.

I'm no counsellor and I'm sure they will be able to help you manage your feelings in a constructive way, but it might help to remember that you are not living there now, your parents issues can't intrude on your life in the same way. As hard as it is you can turn the phone off and refuse to come to the door as you have. You have barriers now that you can use to keep a distance between you and their issues, so try not to be as anxious as you were when this happened when you were a powerless five year old. The post might have taken you back there mentally, but you are in a different place now your own home which is a safe place and a partner by your side. You won't (I imagine) ever live with them again, and can now leave any situation that replicates what happened when you were a child so take a deep breath and stop feeling anxious. It's different now so you don't need to feel the same.

Also about feeling guilty, don't. Your parents obviously have issues that have made things difficult for them to manage how they behaved with each other and towards others in the family. It's a shame they didn't get help, perhaps your mum can be encouraged to get help now. You're not being disloyal to talk about it, at all. Your not complaining, or talking out of turn. We all have the right to talk about our childhoods, the good, the bad and the ugly. Your parents don't own that, you do. You are allowed to say how you have felt about things that happened when you were a kid and what you found difficult. We all are. Take ownership of that.

I imagine the fact that there seems to be an image to the world that none of this was happening in your family makes you feel held to this like your not allowed to break ranks and say anything, but your a grown up now, you can say what you want. You are entitled to that OP. And you're parents can't do any of that shit to you now, they don't have control. You do.

Maybe turn off your phones tonight, lock the door and just do whatever relaxes you and cuddle with your dp. You will come through this and learn ways of managing your feelings that will really change things for yourself. 💐💐💐

I got as far as this line and my answer was a resounding YES to your opening question:

"My Dad has always been pretty violent"

It's a bit daft, isn't it, Fliss. I've volunteered in a women's refuge, I know all about the cycle of abuse. I've helped women set up new homes when they escaped. But it still didn't register with me that I grew up in an abusive household. Maybe it's self preservation. That I didn't allow myself to believe it, wanting to preserve the 'happy families' myth. Maybe it's harder to see when you're inside the situation.

I'm still questioning myself. Telling myself that it wasn't that bad, that my Mum getting a few wallops and me being made to hold out my hands to get smacked with a wooden spoon wasn't all that awful.

Oh Shadows l am so sorry you were treated so badly as a child.....sadly it is impossible to bury this, thats why you were having panic attacks.

I have no words of wisdom just support and hand holding .

I am so glad you have your lovely Dp.