Anyone else''s mother tries to make them responsible for their happiness?

[StewardsEnquiry]

Just wondering if anyone can identify with this? And maybe some advice too?

My mum is frequently quite low but she doesn't seem to have any way of sorting her own mood out. I live a fair distance from her so I can only visit once once a month or every two months, but when I go I stay for the weekend. I also work in a fairly full on job and have 2 young DC so my plate is quite full.

But my mum somehow makes me feel responsible for her too. She lives with my dad who is a nice bloke but is a bit vague - he avoids confrontation at all costs. She isn't in the best of health but won't admit that. She isn't interested in ANYTHING - has no hobbies. Has a few friends but rarely goes out with them.

If I don't ring for a few days it's "oh it's like you are a stranger".

Anyone?

Lotta - yes I hear you about distraught when I went to university.

Such a shame hearing about all of these mothers making their daughters lives miserable. I am resolving now that I will never ever be an emotional burden on my DC.

I keep trying to make suggestions because I suppose I am a fixer. Clearly I can't fix her! Great advice to say 'ah that's a shame ' though. So simple! I'm going to try it next phone call.

My dm is not like that. We meet up and we both get on with our lives. I hope I am not like that with my own Dc who are young adults/teens.

My mil is a bit like your scenarios. She has no interests apart from buying things for garden/home. My fil ill now but they made no effort to join things etc, very insular. Fil has memory loss now so cannot drive. They are lovely but why make yourself like that. When I first met dh, she was still like it.

Piglover, same here - my parents almost never visit me, despite them being fit and healthy and retired and I live a very short flight away. I think they feel that I've abandoned them and it's up to me to keep making it up by visiting them, which I rarely do

Stewards, do have a think about whether your mother might indeed be jealous. What else would stop a mother being her daughter's biggest supporter and cheerleader? I have a good and healthy relationship but my mother had never taken to my partner - I know that she's jealous that my relationship is not the living hell of lies, secrets and gas lighting that her marriage is. I think she had moments of feeling happy for me but cant sustain it. Her own needs are too great

My dm is not like that. We meet up and we both get on with our lives. I hope I am not like that with my own Dc who are young adults/teens.

My mil is a bit like your scenarios. She has no interests apart from buying things for garden/home. My fil ill now but they made no effort to join things etc, very insular. Fil has memory loss now so cannot drive. They are lovely but why make yourself like that. When I first met dh, she was still like it.

Don't be a fixer then OP. She's an adult, she's been an adult longer than you! She can fix herself, or choose not to. I subscribe to the theory that in attempting to fix people you are taking some of their autonomy away. She's not interested in your attempts to fix her and that isn't going to change. There is no need to be responsible for her; she's not your child. She's telling you what she thinks of your suggestions. It isn't that you haven't yet hit upon the right one - there never will be a right one. Don't play this game any more.

Oh god. This thread is very close to the bone. My mum has become like this, both my parents have an odd way of relating to me that is both suffocating and cold at the same time. I am trying to have better boundaries but it is so so so so so hard. Thank you for writing this Stewardsenquiry. Lots of internet support waves to you and everyone on here. We can do this!

Yes! So much of this is familiar. MIL was just like this. She was still waiting for the day middle aged son would leave his wife and family to live with her again, just for company.

She had no interests, few friends, who she alienated anyway. I've told DH for years we wouldn't end up like that, we both have interests (seperate and together) and even though when I was younger I was very shy made sure i travelled alone and was independent as didnt want to end up the same

Some of this chimes with me too, and I have also vowed to keep up with friends and hobbies and never rely on my dc as my only form of entertainment. I wonder if our dms/dfs felt like this about their own parents, or whether it was just accepted that dc were there to keep them happy.

My mum was like this for years and years, one old school friend, interested in absolutely nothing, never went out. She didn't own a single record/cassette, I used to buy her music I though she might like, but she never put it on. She was so vile to me, hate filled and so unhappy, then a few years after my dad left her she turned it around, started making friends, joined a book club. Now she's very sociable and busy and a much much nicer person for it.

Just seen this was a discussion from 3 years ago but anyone got updates on this topic, need to feel Im not alone with this one !! Xx

Mines exactly the same....makes me so miserable. I ended up moving her in with us after dad died. She just sits in her room....only goes out if I "take" her
Shes only early 60s for fucks sake
Makes me feel so guilty....I have to ignore most of it.....I have a husband 3 kids our own business and a house to run....but still, I have to keep tabs on her happiness. No friends. No interests. Fucking hard work.

Ha! Didn't spot 2016 either.

Definitely not alone though xx

Another one here ressurecting this thread....My mum...ugh I could scream...sick to the back teeth of her ...and I will eave it at that....

It’s difficult. I have a slightly different situation as they’re super kind and generous to me and say they couldn’t do without me. I seem to be the peace maker. For example I tried to go somewhere different this Boxing Day and as predicted they were negative about what they did. It feels that I’m tied and can’t do anything. I love being with them but it’s when I’m away from them that it eats me up and I take it out on my husband. Kids have left home so it’s difficult when they’re back as I try and keep them from it. I seem to be stuck in the middle with no one to go to myself for support. I’m a protector so it’s my personality to sort everyone. Therefore it’s so hard to turn my back on anyone. I really struggle with a bad atmosphere. I’ve decided to go down the route of basically realising you can’t change others so trying to become stronger emotionally and mentally myself. Not easy xx

The mistake is thinking that you can fix another person.
Invariably the person who does nothing and isn't involved in anything, is doing exactly what they want.
They are lazy people who expect that others should entertain them.

Stepping back.
Be less available.
Answer the phone less.
"Ah that's a pity" to ANY complaints.
Do not enquire or explore their unhappiness/boredom etc...just answer on a loop "ah that's a pity".

Slowly back further away.

Only selfish parents behave like this.

It is not good for the MH of someone to be trying to fix another human.

You never will.

"God helps those who helps themselves."

Back away and pledge to leave them to it for 2020.

(Disclaimer here: am quite Godless but like that quote)😉

I agree.

They are v selfish, lazy and emotionally manipulative.

You now know that nothing you do will make them happy. They will never pick up the tools.

Look around you and you will see that you are the last man standing - everyone else has fucked off due to the bitterness, drudgery and negativity. Their friends and family have backed away because they are “drains” and entitled takers - they don’t give in RS.

If these were friends you would have moved on.

Think how much time, headspace, frustration and emotional energy they drain from your finite resources. This means you have less to give to the nice deserving people in your life - who will also enrich your life.

Seriously cut right back, close down conversations - their negativity is polluting and contagious.

Boundaries, protection, priorities and detach.

I understand your advice and I would say the same to others. It’s more complicated though isn’t it than this. To be fair I think it’s mainly events like Christmas that brings out more of the anxieties and the feeling of being so overwhelmed. It’s great to have forums like this to reach out and know others are also dealing with similar situations. Happy New Year xx

Mine also,
so much harder to put boundries in place now that she is in her late 80,s , the guilt is awful.
Billy has it in a nutshell.
I can go LC until she has an illness (real or imagined) of which there are many and then am expected to sort any/all resulting problems as she turns into a helpless child, although fully capable.
This resumes a cycle of 6 phone calls a day about nothing.
Also have vowed never to do this to my DC.
I never inform her of my social life (the little I have) as this will result in endless negativity on her part re her lack of friends or hobbies.
Resentfull does not begin to describe the feelings I have, especially when my xh left me she was no where to be seen!

@myown2feetaregreat

Have you contacted your LA to access home help for your mother?

There are plenty of elderly parents who wouldn't dream of doing this to their children.
I still think that backing away despite health concerns is an option for you.

Selfish people always survive somehow!

My mother was like this. She was a great person in many ways - generous and self-deprecatingly funny.

I'm an only child and I was simply never good enough. If I was successful at something she was resentful. If I failed, or had a hard time over something, she would laugh or say "I told you so". She just never had my back.

I stopped sharing personal stuff with her once I'd hit my teens. She's long since gone and miss her sometimes but by God she was hard work.

I have come to the conclusion that my Mum knows just exactly what she is doing and that she likes it...isn't that a horrible thing to say? But its true.She knows and she gets a kick out of it....Like you can call her and she is fine.bright and breezy and engaging one minute then bugger me 30 mins later she rings and its hello...long silence..what are you doing...long silence...are you ok...long silence or one word answers and you just feel your whole mood destroyed.She is sulking and your gonna cop for it....it has nothing to do with you what so ever but she is off and she is going to make damned sure you are too....horrendous behaviour ..as I said earlier she is like a harry potter dementor from azkaban...she sucks the joy and life out of you at every turn...she is warped in my view. She also cannot be right with me and my brother at the same time.Either he is golden or I am and whoever is deemed right will be ok ..I mean who does that? Who would split their kids like that? She hates that I get on with my brother...If i say I spoke with xxx today it was lovely to hear from him she cannot stand it..its utterly pathetic.

Well OP, you have her sussed! Of course this is a choice, her choice.

But you too have choices.
When she turns on the silence, you have the choice to say "Mum I can hear you are not in the form to chat, talk to you later, bye", and be gone.
Cut off her oxygen supply to this behaviour.
Believe me OP, she will learn.
It is so clear from your posts that she is an absolutely toxic person, particularly her wish for you and your brother not to be close.
What healthy mother would want discord between her children.

You need to just pull back, be busier, shorter calls, less frequent. Start not answering every call, every second, then third call. Be unavailable for this poison in your life.

Make it your New Year gift to yourself and your MH.
I have no doubt your mother may sulk but like any selfish, badly behaved person, she will quickly notice the new lay of the land and will adapt.

Wishing you peace 💐