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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could I be gay?

17 replies

ConfuzaPalooza · 04/07/2016 10:55

Long story but I'll try to sum it up. Looking back, I think I've been attracted to women from a young age. Definitely since primary school but growing up in a VERY religious family I think I didn't really think anything of it and never thought I could be a lesbian. Also got involved with boys at quite a young age (14) and basically been a massive slag since then. Slept with A LOT of men.

Got married to a man, pretty quickly, he's also from the same religious background - there was definitely some 'brainwashed' thinking there I think, though he is a fabulous dad, puts up with my stupid shit and loves me and the kids very much.

For the past couple of years I've been thinking more seriously about being bisexual, spoke with husband about it, had a threesome and more recently slept with a woman and basically loved it.

I do not fancy my husband AT ALL (he has never been super hot but had gained a lot of weight and it really puts me off) and I'm thinking... What if I'm actually a lesbian and need to leave my husband so I can be with a woman? I'll never know until I do I guess... I'm really confused

OP posts:

Vixxfacee · 04/07/2016 10:56

Does he know you cheated?

Original poster

ConfuzaPalooza · 04/07/2016 10:59

Not sure where in my post it says I cheated, he knows I've had sex with other people

OP posts:

Kittencatkins123 · 04/07/2016 11:00

Well you are definitely bisexual! Do you enjoy sex with women more? See yourself having a relationship with women? How do you feel about sex with men?

What would be the fallout for you family wise if you split up with your husband and/or came out? Do you have other support from friends?

RivieraKid · 04/07/2016 11:04

he knows I've had sex with other people

Okay, so if he was cool with that beforehand I'm assuming you now have an open marriage. Definitely sounds as though you're bi at least (did you fancy the men you slept with when you were younger?) what kind of support do you have if you split? Do you have kids you'd need to break the news to, etc?

Original poster

ConfuzaPalooza · 04/07/2016 11:04

It's very different with women, like more emotional connection, I could probably have sex with a man I actually quite dislike just because it's just physical and no emotions attached.

In terms of splitting up, the obvious issues that arise in any break up, leaving the family
Home, kids involved etc. I've got gay and understanding friends but not nearby, I wouldn't really be embarrassed about it but it would be hard to come out to family. I feel like, why should I break up my kids family just because I think I want to have sex with women but then on the other hand, what if that's what would make me really happy.

OP posts:

RivieraKid · 04/07/2016 11:05

Would it amicable, basically.

Original poster

ConfuzaPalooza · 04/07/2016 11:10

I think it could be amicable

OP posts:

LubiLooLoo · 04/07/2016 11:16

No comment on your personal life, but sexuality is never as simple as gay or straight, it's a spectrum and there's hundreds of outcomes. I hope you work out any turmoil, but don't worry about labelling yourself. Your sexuality is unique to you! Few people are 100% straight.

I hope you find what you are comfortable and happy with

RivieraKid · 04/07/2016 11:17

Has sex with men always been just physical'? Not that unadulerated body-lust is a bad thing, but if the emotional connection has never been there and that's what you feel you're missing from sex (and you've finally found it in women) then it definitely sounds like you're coming to terms with being bisexual or a lesbian. Hope you're taking care of yourself hun because this must be huge for you especially if you're facing backlash from religious family.

What kind of relationship do you have with your husband now you're in an open marriage (again, I'm assuming as you say he knew about your extra-marital activities) and he knows you've slept with another woman? Do you both feel that you like together more as room mates now and that would make a break easier?

Original poster

ConfuzaPalooza · 04/07/2016 11:23

He's not happy about an 'open marriage' per se. He's worried I'll leave him for another woman so is more happy for threesomes, definitely not meeting the same person a lot of times. Im not really into threesomes with him, as obviously that would be a way to maintain a relationship that is otherwise decent and also feel 'satisfied' as it were. Still have an intimate relationship with him, it's just a bit one sided as I'm not that interested.

Just confused as its a lot to deal with and mostly just been thinking about it seriously for the past 6 months (would I be happier with a woman, not just do I really fancy women) up until then I was quite happy seeing myself as a straight woman who fancied women but then duh there's a word for that! 😂😂

OP posts:

FellOutOfBed2wice · 04/07/2016 11:36

I slept with some women and had some threesomes in my youth and enjoyed them, but I very much feel that my sexuality and emotional connections from sex are centred around men. Also it was fun but I've never thought to do it again. As such I think I'm straight with maybe a hint of bisexuality, but hardly any and maybe it was more being young and experimenting. This sounds quite different to your experience and it does sound like you might be erring more towards being gay.

loobyloo1234 · 04/07/2016 11:41

and more recently slept with a woman and basically loved it.

Not sure where in my post it says I cheated

If this was posted by a man, I dread to think the abuse he would get on here

If you have an open relationship – and he agrees to that – then fine but you said he’s not? Why don’t you leave him if you want to be with other people? How can this be a good thing unfolding when you have children to think about? I don’t think you sound that happy with him anyway, so surely you’re better off exploring this when you are single?

Sirona · 04/07/2016 12:00

I think you're at least bisexual op, well that all depends on whether you feel any attraction to men The well known definition of that by Robyn something is the ability to be attracted to more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time or in the same way (off the top of my head)

I understand in some way as I've always felt an attraction to women but never acknowledged it until recently. I know now I'm totally bisexual. Been much easier for me as I was single and not from a religious family so they have been wonderfully supportive. I really don't know what to advise in that way. Would counselling help to work out your feelings?

Original poster

ConfuzaPalooza · 04/07/2016 12:18

Loobylou - it also says 'spoke to my husband about it'. He isn't happy for it to be an on-going thing and i obviously see why. If I enjoyed having threesomes with him I wouldn't even contemplate leaving him. I also feel like it's a bit of a bad reason to break up the family, just because I fancy women. If I fancied a man I wouldn't just break up with my husband to see what it was like. I wanted to know if anyone had similar experiences, either staying or not and how that panned out.

OP posts:

Sirona · 04/07/2016 12:20

Try the website Shybi op and you'll find loads of women in similar situations.

Saltfish · 04/07/2016 14:22

Hmmm...op no one can decide your sexuality for you. It isn't a linear thing anyway. I've seen it time and time again, lesbian women staying in marriages to men out of guilt and the men are ok with this???? Don't martyr yourself, no one gives you a medal at the end of your life saying well done for keeping up appearances.
I honestly think you need to be on your own. You're not in love with him, just plodding along. Your children will be fine. Cut loose from these heteronormative ideas that heterosexuality is the default way of life. It isn't and happiness awaits you. You just need to be proactive about it.

RepentAtLeisure · 04/07/2016 14:33

If this was posted by a man, I dread to think the abuse he would get on here

Great news. You don't need to dread it. Men have posted with similar stories and posters were supportive. Why wouldn't we be? It's not as straight forward as cheating, most people understand that.

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