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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I have children in a dead marriage?

42 replies

user1466937505 · 03/07/2016 18:58

I will try to be concise.
Had a child aged 22 - abusive relationship - I tried to make it work. We separated when the little one was 4.
I got married age 30 to someone I had known since school. We were a couple for about 3 years before we married. For religious reasons we only moved in together when we got married. We moved to a different area for his job, new school, everything. My daughter was about 7 and after a year she started calling him dad - happy little family.

Husband was born with a serious facial disfigurement. We get a lot of stares, comments, pointing laughing etc. when we go out.

Husband was starting a degree as a mature student when we got married. We decided to wait till he finished for children so it would not be stressful with a newborn and essays, exams at the same time.

Degree finished. All set. Only I find our savings for a deposit have been completely drained. I was scrimping and saving and even took extra cleaning jobs alongside my office job for extra cash.

It turns out that he had been spending it on prostitutes. Apparently, as a teenager with his disfigurement he reckoned he would never find a girlfriend, so he turned to prostitutes. And he says he got addicted, he meant to stop when he got married but he found he couldn't . Fortunately my daughter was with relatives for Easter at the time because I had a mini breakdown. Then my husband started having a heart attack. We called the in laws, ambulance to hospital. It turns out that it wasn't a heart attack, just stress. We all went home, my husband tearfully told them the whole story. They blamed me and I have not seen them or heard from them since. He keeps in touch it seems, but he is very secretive about it.

He went to therapy a few times them said it is too expensive. It has also come out that when we were dating he deliberately made himself seem like my dream guy because he thought no one else would ever marry him. After we got married and realised relationships require work he decided it was too hard and he now, pays the rent and bills, produces dirty washing up and watches the footie.

I am working in a low paid job. I have postgrad qualifications in a saturated industry. Because of family property in my name (long story, but I don't benefit from it or get a penny) I am not entitled to benefits. I can not afford to live alone. My only option is to move back in with my mum in another city but that's a stressful situation in itself and would involve more upheaval for dd. I am stuck in this dead marriage.

We are polite to each other, we go on bike rides as a family, my daughter does not know anything is wrong but I'm sure feels the tension.

I find him repulsive now. It was his character that made me see past his looks. In the past three years you can count one one hand the number of times we have slept together. He says he does not use prostitutes now but who knows.

The thing is my dream has always been for a happy family and children.

My family has early menopause. It is a 1 in a hundred chance I could divorce, meet someone lovely and have kids in the next few years.

Do I have the children I have dreamed of with this man I loathe?

New username for privacy.

OP posts:

horseygeorgie1 · 03/07/2016 23:28

no don't have children with him.

Am slightly confused on one point though - Granted he sounds awful, uses prostitutes etc but why would that mean you don't want to leave your daughter alone with him?!?! Being a huge twat and being a paedophile are two very, VERY, different things.

Numberoneisgone · 03/07/2016 23:34

Absolutely not. You have a child, prioritise her, find a way to get away from this despicable excuse of a man, I suggest an opportunity to further your career abroad, whereby you get done headspace from family and obviously bring your child along.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Sorry for shouting but, my God, you deserve better.

Atenco · 04/07/2016 00:04

"Am slightly confused on one point though - Granted he sounds awful, uses prostitutes etc but why would that mean you don't want to leave your daughter alone with him?!?! Being a huge twat and being a paedophile are two very, VERY, different things"

Not necessarily, I agree with the OP that this man has no moral compass. Using prostitutes and the sexual abuse of children require someone to be unconcerned about the feelings of the person they are having sex with. So many prostitutes are not working willingly.

SandyY2K · 04/07/2016 00:25

Your family would disown you for leaving a man who used prostitutes and spent family savings on?

I can do without that kind of family TBH..

I wouldn't ever have sex with him again.

DeathStare · 04/07/2016 06:11

Get the house moved out of your name. I get that this might cause other people inconvenience but that's tough luck. It's causing you inconvenience having it in your name so insist.

Then leave him. And no don't have kids with him. Once you've left him if you still want more kids use an actual spermatogenesis donor

DeathStare · 04/07/2016 06:12

Spermatogenesis? ??? I didn't even know that was a word my phone knew. Obviously I meant sperm donor

Ebony69 · 04/07/2016 07:16

Atenco, i couldn't disagree more. He has been dispicable but to suggest that there's a link between prostitution and peadophilia is ridiculous. There also needs to be sexual attraction to children which is essentially what paedophilia is about.

PetraStrorm · 04/07/2016 07:22

OP you should still check out your eligibility for tax credits. I may be completely wrong, but I think it's only assessed on income. So if you were living alone you may be entitled to it. You should make absolutely sure of your position re this, don't just assume you're not entitled - it's not assessed the same way as other benefits.

Marilynsbigsister · 04/07/2016 07:43

OP, you need to start thinking logically. You need to move away from this vile character. You say this is impossible because of a 'situation' where your name is on a property that you have no benefit from.
This is what you need to sort out. Once sorted, you can claim benefits to enable you to move.

So. ? The 'situation' is that either you are being ripped off - a house in your name is your house. !! Which means that you can sell, rent our or go and live in.. If this is the case, then you need to urgently get along to your CAB and get some legal help to secure your property. OR the property is not yours and it needs to be moved 'out of your name'. I am guessing that it's some sort of dodgy family property deal that has been put in your name to avoid capital gains tax. ? In which case you are going to have to pull your big girl pants on and tell your family member that they either sell the property forthwith and give you a share, enabling you to leave this nasty character or you will inform the inland revenue/land registry.

Whilst you are going through this process you can claim benefits explaining that you have no 'beneficial interest or income' (there is a form for such eventualities - I have worked for dwp and its predecessors for over 25 yrs) .

From what you have said, your top priority is to get your child away from this man.

horseygeorgie1 · 04/07/2016 10:13

Ebony thanks for that, my thoughts exactly! Thought I was going mad there for a while.

timelytess · 04/07/2016 10:17

No. Do not get pregnant. Get the fuck out of there.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 04/07/2016 10:18

No!

LillyMom · 04/07/2016 11:02

No way. You should leave him. I unw you see no way out, but once you leave, new doors will open to you I am sure.

LillyMom · 04/07/2016 11:03

Ops, I understand you see no way out

mrsfuzzy · 04/07/2016 11:13

if a friend told you what you told us, what would you say to her ? you're young, get out with dd and start again, it won't be easy but it won't be the worst thing that could happen either, please read what people are saying to you, we're not perfect but we can advise, as we are not in your shoes and can see different pov.

LubiLooLoo · 04/07/2016 11:27

I don't want you to think I'm being mean. What you have gone through is awful, and you don't deserve someone so manipulative and thoughtless with your heart. Having said that, in my opinion, bring a child into that atmosphere would be selfish.

Freeze some eggs for safety, get out of there and find someone who loves you for the brave and resilient women you are, not who married you because they were afraid no one else would. Or fuck it and rock brings single parent. But find a healthy environment first.

Tones of love

RivieraKid · 04/07/2016 18:04

family and relations have already branded me a whore...Basically if I get divorced now I am cut off from my family.

Well they sound like real peaches, so what's the problem with being cut off? There will be other support out there other than a terrible family who really don't seem to like you much. Cut and run from every dysfunctional moron in this situation as fast as your fucking legs can carry you would be my advice. Start a new life with your DD, look into what you're entitled to immediately.

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