Boyfriend of 8 years doesn't want to do anything with me

[Aryabis]

We have been together for 8 years we were young when we got together I was 15 and he 17, the first 2 years wasn't nice lots cheating but then things got better. I know people will say I was stupid but I loved him he was my first and I believed he would change and he did. He no longer cheats he's no longer a reckless young boy he is focused on the future and being happy but that seems like all he cares about all he talks about is making money to start a business so we can have a good life and of course I want these things too so I support him. I currently don't have a job due to health problems so I restore old furniture I find to make a little income for myself, most days am left with a list of things he needs me to do whilst he is unable to at work which I try my best to do but when he comes home and I haven't done the things he needed me to he gets snappy with me and acts like I've been sat at home doing nothing and doesn't see that I've been sanding and painting etc all day and completely forgot. Most nights when he comes home he eats and goes straight to bed which is currently in the spare room as I apprently move a lot during the night and on occasions have kicked him and punched him and he says he cannot sleep in a bed with someone. On his days off he mostly goes and spends it with friends and if he is at home we don't do anything unless it is in a group but never alone unless it's to the supermarket. We have never been on a holiday together in 8 years I have been on 2 without him both with family and he 2 with friends but every year I say we should go on a holiday and he says we can't afford it he says he needs to save for the future but it makes me sad that he won't live for today I worry we never will. I say it doesn't have to be somewhere luxurious it can be cheap and cheerful he just says don't I care about how he feels that he's working hard for our future but not so long ago he was going on a 4 day holiday to Spain with his friends only didn't go because his passport didn't arrive in time. We hardly speak much anymore and hardly ever have sex he watches a lot of porn and seems to prefer that than me as the moment my back has turned to make a cup of tea or have a quick shower he has already gone to "bed". I'm not overweight but not skinny but I seem to be his type and if I do try and have sex with him he definitely does get turned on. We see each other for no more than 2 hours a day which I understand as he works but it's more his attitude recently that is worrying me that in them 2 hours we do see each other he barely speaks to me no hugs or kisses he doesn't care that all these things hurt me it always leads to an argument I've tried everything I can think of pretending to like the porn he watches which isn't anything creepy just not what turns me on I've tried getting him outfits he might like, learning to cook some new dishes he likes as I'm not much of a good cook I've started working out more to get in better shape. Nothing is making a difference I don't know what to do anymore I can imagine my life without him but I'm starting to think he'd be just fine without me.

Please listen: this is not going to get better.

Get rid.

OP do you have a life outside of this relationship? Friends, socialising, and so on? You mention he's been away with friends, you've been away with family. Life is for living. The relationship doesn't sound fulfilled nor fun. Good for your DP for thinking of his future, but you are early 20's. Too young to be living this life. Could you get a part time job maybe? To be more independent?

Instead of asking him what he wants, why don't you ask yourself IS THIS WHAT I WANT?

He absolutely sounds like he's outgrown it. He can't be painted as the 'bad guy' just because he's a man.

I agree that you both just sound lije very different people who want very different things out of life and that is leading to frustration and resentment on both sides. Neither of you is happy. You're both doing things now that are not respectful of the other, but with the right person, this would change.

End it and go and enjoy life in your way and let him do it in his.

Your world seems very small and highly traditional, is this what you want? You are completely dependant on him for your future.

I think you are just starting to have dissatisfaction with life, wanting a life outside the 4 walls of your parents home. I can only see this growing, edpecially by late 20's.

Are their cultural issues here that makes this more of the norm for you?

I just want to add a note of caution re jobs in furniture restoration/cabinet making as suggested by some people on the thread. These are fairly poorly paid jobs that require a high degree of training and skill, long hours are involved, they are physical and tiring you may also come up against a surprising degree of sexism. I speak from experience.

Although I do think if at all possible a p/t job or even volunteering, apprenticeship or internship would do the op the power of good.

He can't be painted as the 'bad guy' just because he's a man.

No, he's clearly behaving very nastily and isn't someone who has matured while his partner (the OP) has not. Perhaps 'got bored' is a better way of putting it. Saying 'he's outgrown you' to someone whose partner is behaving like an overgrown teenage brat is pretty offensive.

No, he's clearly behaving very nastily

Or he's working really hard and he's ambitious and he's getting increasingly frustrated at being with someone who is less ambitious than him and who is content to potter around the house upcycling furniture whilst he supports them financially and they don't even do a few things he asks them to whilst he's out working hard to earn the money...

There's nothing wrong with what the OP wants to do. But it's clearly not in line with what he wants to do. Neither of them is wrong, they are just different.

When feeling frustrated and taken advantage of, people quite often behave in ways they shouldn't. In an ideal, and purely theoretical world, people would end relationships before they got to that point. In reality they don't. For many reasons.

If it were the OP going out to work every day and who had ambitions for the future and her partner who was spending all day doing his hobby and not doing the few chores she asked him to do because he 'forgot', he'd have been called a cocklodger long before now.

Oh and she'd also be told it was no surprise she'd lost interest in him sexually too because it's hard to feel sexually attracted to someone you don't respect.

Don't be nasty - the OP has health issues she should not be shamed for that

I'm not being nasty.

No she shouldn't be shamed for having health issues. But it doesn't mean her partner is the bad guy, just that they are no longer suited to each other.

They clearly want different things out of life and they should end it and go and find it. They don't love each other, they feel an emotional attachment to each other which is why they are still there. But they don't love each other. That much is clear.

Ah, he's clearly a prat and good luck to him.

I don't think anyone could 'outgrow' him OP.

I don't know if he has out grown you or not. But Imho, he does clearly take you for granted. Living (rent free ?) in your family's home makes it all the easier for him to save.

We live with my family so he's so involved he's really close with my whole family. They must know of his porn habit then-they can put two and two together that he isn't sharing a bedroom with you...they know "he just isn't that into you".

Sorry, but the lack of enthusiasm towards you suggests he may be playing a long game and may break off with you when he reaches his financial goal. He is using you. He has your family on his side to make it more difficult for you to call time on the relationship. It is a manipulation. You can end it on the simple basis that "it just isn't working for you anymore". No debate or validation from anyone is needed/required.

Can I ask if the hobby is just that then why do you prioritise it above errands that are either to do with his business or yourselves as a couple ?

Perhaps you are actually as uninvested as he is.

I think I'd ask him to move out for a trial period. You may just be taking each other for granted and a period apart will show that you are not as indifferent to each other as it appears or you may find you are happier apart (except he may not be happy to pay rent elsewhere if he is currently living rent free). As for your family, they may indeed love this boy who never takes you anywhere and watches porn in their home or you may discover they are just being nice to him for your sake and are relieved when he leaves. No one really likes a parasite.

Sounds like my relationship with my first love when i was 16. And now looking back, thank god i didn't end up with him or i'll just be wasting my life away. Be strong, take a deep breath and jump, and ENJOY your life. You'd hate to be looking back years down the line in regret that you didn't walk away when you were still young.

Some people do get that women can be in the wrong too, don't they?

Or at least, equally in the wrong...

I've been there. It doesn't get any better. I stayed in mine for 11 years. Yes, it hurt like hell when we broke up but there is so much more out there for you and as callous add this may sound, you'll get over it! There's no other way to do it. You do just get over it and move on. I'd ask him to move out to see how committed he was. Tell him how unhappy you are with this rut and you want a fresh start. The distance and having to get himself a place etc might bring you closer again. it might not (I suspect it won't) but then you've already started down the path of unpicking your life from his so it will be easier. You deserve to be happy you know! Stand up for yourself. You mustn't let this define you.

OP, you are bored and lonely and unhappy in this relationship. You don't have DC. You're not even married. There's no reason why you have to stay. Him making excuses as to why he won't enjoy life with you isn't a reason. Your family loving him isn't a reason.
You don't even sound as if you like him that much. You are both in a rut. If you want to, give him a chance. Tell him you want to enjoy life now not hold on forever. Make a bucket list of things you've always wanted to do. They don't have to cost the earth. Drag him out to a pub or coffee shop and show him the list and ask if any of them interest him or if he'd like to add to them. If he would, make sure he includes small fun things that could be done next weekend, not just 'have a secure future'.
And please get yourself into a position where you are less reliant on him financially. Is there some aspect of your restoration business that's more lucrative than the rest, that you could focus on? Also, could you make it more of a business. Make an area of your home your workshop, get business cards made and tell your OP this is what you do for 8 hours a day, so other jobs need to shared equally. If he doesn't listen then he's not really committed to a life together, he;s going his own way and expects you to tag along. Why would you? There is a massive exciting world out there.
I have MH issues and really appalling energy problems which mean I can only work PT, but even I get to do exciting things, go to shows and festivals and concerts and comedy nights, go for walks with DH and DC round lakes and woods and heath, go to galleries and exhibitions and out for lunch at a sunny pub garden. This is 10th of what I'd do if my energy were what it should be.
Start living the way you want to live. Make lists of fun things to do - big and small and tiny, expensive, cheap and free, with other people or alone and start doing them. That way, whether he joins in or you split up, at least you will be having fun.

Have you actually sold any of your restored furniture ?
I am asking, because furniture is large and there may be costs to display or and what about costs to move ?
Have you looked at Etsy.com
I think smaller items sell faster (non furniture items)

I would strongly recommend that you do some volunteering in your local community and look to getting a part time job.
You do not know what you are capable of until you try !
Get a job, any job even if is a few hours a week
You need to get out and meet other people

I suggest that you work on improving yourself and your life first

Once you have done all this you will see that there is more to life

I agree your relationship sounds dead
No laughter
No time spent together
Sleep in different rooms
No common goals for the future

Make some short term goals and achieve them
Make some medium goals and achieve them
Make some long term goals and achieve them

What do you want in a month, 6 months, a year ?
What do you want in 5 years ?
What do you want in 10 years ?

wanna go to concerts, sport, local or national events for free ?
Do some first aid courses and get qualified eg Red Cross, St Johns Ambulance
Then you can apply to go to these events
Suggest start locally first
You will meet new people and learn new things

Going on holiday
Get a job