My first post: I'm insecure and he doesn't understand

[flowerpotfairy]

Think this may be a long post so thank you for reading. I'll try give all the info.

DH and I have been together 6 years, married for 2 with 2dc (2.5yrs and 6mnths). Generally things are really good, dh works ridiculously hard, is truly a brilliant dad and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh together etc. The problem is mostly with me, I am really insecure and think I come across as needy and controlling. Thinking about it I think this started after our first dc was born, hence we weren't going out together anymore and I rarely went out but dh still wanted to have a life (understandable obviously). He doesn't go out very often (maybe once or twice a month) but even though he's asked me in advance I feel myself tensing up as he's getting ready to go, I ask him to give me a time he will be home and tell him not to drink too much. This usually means he leaves after an argument so I sit at home stressing the entire time he's gone. The minute it gets to the time he says he will be home I ring him asking where he is and he is usually on his way home. I then quiz him about where he went, what he drank, who he saw etc and usually find something to get upset about. Everything I've written so far makes me sound like such a fucking idiot. Here's the thing though: I do not for one second think he's cheated however he has lied (in order to stop me starting an argument), I only had two beers (when it's obvious he's had much more), I'll be home at 11pm (doesn't get home til midnight), I didn't go to a strip club on my stag do (later found out he had, I do believe it's a one off) etc etc. The thing is we're in a total catch 22 now, he goes out, I have a meltdown, he goes out again and doesn't want to talk about it as he knows I'll pick it apart and find an issue, I don't want him to go out, he wants to go out more. I've admitted I've got a problem but he doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being a weirdo! I want to relax and as I know he's not up to no good (just drinking too much and staying out later than I'd like) I wish I could just chill out but I also need him to appreciate (even if I'm being irrational) that I need him to help me with this and stop with the little lies, come home by the time we agreed etc. He just doesn't get this and sees it as my problem. Do you think couples counselling would help? Or should i go to counselling alone? Or has anyone got any advice as to how i can get him to understand? Thanks for reading if you've got this far!!

OP, do you never go out?

Your world sounds incredibly small and that is possibly why you stress so much when you DH goes out.

No I don't go out very often. Maybe once every 2-3 months. We used to go out together all the time before the kids but dh works 12 hour days (til 10/11pm) 5 days a week and I work evenings the other two nights, he arranges an early finish if he wants a night out. I definitely need to arrange a babysitter so we can do something together but neither kid sleeps well. I'm self employed and work full time with baby in tow then pick toddler up and sort their food/bath/bedtime battle then watch tv /tidy til dh gets home. So it's not like my world is just four walls and two dc, I'm very very busy (and exhausted) but I don't get any me time. I feel I've gone off topic there but I have taken on everything I've read and will be making changes.

I don't think you have gone off topic. It does sound like you need to make a practice of getting a babysitter

Your insecurity is making you abusive

Go and get some councilling before your kids get used to seeing you like this and do it to there partners.

I've had this will an ex and in the end I just didn't care if I was late or ended up some where I hadn't pre arranged because I knew I would get the third degree when I got in. I expected it.

It must absolutly be making you ill.

This bit didn't chime with me

and I rarely went out but dh still wanted to have a life (understandable obviously)

Um ... What about you having a life from time to time? All very well your DH enjoying his night out and having some freedom to 'let off some steam' from time to time but when is he returning the favour?

Maybe if you had your own 'me time' you'd be able to chill about him having a social life?

I think it is relevant that he goes out much more than you. What about trying to go out in turns? If he leaves work sooner to go out, he could also leave work sooner to take care of the kids and you have a break.

I ask him to give me a time he will be home and tell him not to drink too much.

This is basic respect. If he's home late, it'll wake you when you're already tired dealing with the kids. If he drinks too much he's useless to you that night and also most likely the morning.

The minute it gets to the time he says he will be home I ring him asking where he is and he is usually on his way home. I then quiz him about where he went, what he drank, who he saw etc and usually find something to get upset about.

This is where the "abusive relationship" comments come from. He's not doing what you want so rather than waiting until he gets home to discuss him being late, you start harassing him immediately.

Questioning him on his comings and goings is useless as well. As you've seen, it's not hard to lie about them. All you're doing is breeding resentment from him and you.

he has lied (in order to stop me starting an argument). I only had two beers (when it's obvious he's had much more), I'll be home at 11pm (doesn't get home til midnight), I didn't go to a strip club on my stag do (later found out he had, I do believe it's a one off) etc etc.

These are minor lies. The more concerning part is "in order to stop me starting an argument", which again is a sign of an abusive relationship. "Walking on eggshells" is something people in abusive relationships do to avoid arguments.

There is something to be said though about him taking your concerns into consideration and stopping with the lying, but you're a major factor here.

First: talk now, before a time he goes out about WHY you want him home at a certain time and WHY you would prefer he not get super drunk. Talk about those time and alcohol limits and set them now.
Second: stop the interrogations, he is entitled to privacy and to not have to account for his every move
Third: Find some activities for you to do to get you out of the house (or get him and the kids out of the house) so you have time to do something non-work and non-kid related. You'll feel less resentment when he goes out.

Lying is wrong, but I can almost understand why your husband resorted to it. You backed him into a corner. I agree, you need some sort of counseling. This is not healthy for you or your relationship.

Op did you become controlling and insecure because of his lies or does he lie because you are controlling and insecure? This makes a massive difference I think.
Also why should he get to go out but not you?

I would chime in just to support all the other voices here telling you that it's you who's got the problem. You're way too controlling and, if you don't deal with it, your relationship will end. I'd go spare if a man tried treating me like this.

Please seek counselling and also try to get out yourself at least one night a month.

I don't know allyjay, it's a bit blurred and like i say just a vicious cycle now. He hasn't done anything awful like cheat on me or not come home at all but for example on his stag do i said please no strip clubs and he said he didn't then i found out he had. I've probably been worse since then if i think about it. The thing is, when i go out i do come home at a reasonable time and don't get shitfaced but it's like he goes out and goes yeyyy I'm free I'm going to get wasted....again vicious cycle. Thanks for the comments, I've accepted I'm mostly in the wrong and will seek help/make changes.

Flowerpot, just read your post! I could have written this!

I just wanted to send you a hug. Others on here may not like that but I do know how you feel, you know you're in the wrong and that what you are doing is spoiling what could be a great relationship but you feel like you can't control it. YOU CAN THOUGH.

I feel exactly the same when my DH goes out (rarely now but used to be regularly when we had the one DC). In all our years together he has only ever once lost contact on a night out and come home late but I still get worried and anxious now before he goes out. I am much much better now than I used to be but reading all the responses here is really very helpful.

The fact is, you are insecure and have trust issues. You will look for any reason to restrict your DH's fun in some way so that you feel in control of him and your relationship (you never can be). You must let go. As I write this I know I need to do the same and it will be hard but the truth is if you want to be with this man for the rest of your life then please stop making both of your lives hard and start enjoying life together / with each other. Let him be him and trust that he wouldn't want to hurt you.

The lies you talk of are minor (although I would be annoyed about strip club lie but can see why he would lie...) but the others are all undestandeable.

My advice would be:

1.) Get some counselling. Do not discuss it again with your DH (your insecurities) at the moment. He is probably sick of it TBH
2.) If he's going out make a vow to yourself you will enjoy yourself and not worry whilst he is. Distract yourself and ensure that you don't contact him looking for reassurance during the evening.
3.) Book a babysitter, perhaps say to him you would like to go out more with him and book a few things in that are fun to do together. You must do this even if one of your babies doesn't sleep. An hour down the pub is better than nothing. Or can you go out with his friends too? Do they have wives and GFs? This will probably make you realise he's just having fun...does he ever invite you?
4.) Get a life outside of babies and work. Do you have any hobbies? You need to be getting out yourself at least once or twice a month to make you realise that it's not just him that's doing stuff.

My worst moments with trust issues were shortly after DD1 was born. My DH was in a new job, working with new people who I had never met and out socialising a lot more than me. He was also running workshops with a load of good looking female actors (he's an actor). I felt left out and like I had nothing to offer him in comparison to what appeared to be a much more fun life at work / with the team. I now know (4 yrs on) I was so so wrong. He was just working, I was just being a crazy, irrational and insecure person. I won't ever let myself be like that again because quite frankly what's the point?

I've been where your DH is, although we didn't have any children and were living together for many years rather than married.

My partner is now my ex-partner because she simply could not or would not change her controlling behaviour and refused to go to therapy about it.

Unless you want that to happen in your case, I urge you to seek counselling now.

I was similar, I was in danger of destroying our relationship, so I found a local counsellor and talked it through, has about 6 sessions and I am much more reasonable now, I still get the odd bit of rage but nothing like I was. I really recommend it!

My insecurity stemmed from my Childhood, I had no idea what baggage I was carrying around, I honestly thought that I was way cooler about stuff that had happened but I wasn't deep down, I feel better for putting some of it the rest.

Thing is, being possessive and controlling is a terrible lesson to be teaching your kids. It affects them as adults.

My DSD's mum was extremely jealous and controlling. It caused terrible rows. After she broke up with my DH she had rows for the same reasons with all her subsequent partners.

My DSD, now grown up, said watching how her dad and I interacted over the years had a massive effect on her, and has said many times that it lead directly to her own happy marriage.

She says one particular incident stood out. A woman made a dead set at my DH at a party and I just left him to it. When we got home I was teasing him when he complained that I hadn't rescued him from this woman, who was really coming on strong and wouldn't be told. I told him he was old and ugly enough to escape by himself. My DSD wasn't at the party, but witnessed the teasing and giggling. She saw that we totally trusted each other and how normal that was for us.

Up until then she though her mum's behaviour was normal. As time went on she saw that we always trusted each other and felt secure. Witnessing our trust did my DSD a lot of good and affected what she saw as the right way to do things.

And before anyone flames me for being smug, I'd be the first to admit to having made more than my share of mistakes in life. But, yes, I am proud that my input into my DSD's life has been unequivocally positive. It's one thing I know I've done right.

OP if you acknowledge your problems and seek counseling, learn to trust, you will be doing your DCs so much good. They will learn good things by witnessing a solid, trusting relationship.

Upplaaah, thank you for taking the time to respond and for understanding. It's horrible isn't it, I don't want to feel the way I do and have taken on board what everyone has said about counselling. I am not going to let this destroy my marriage. I love the man with all my heart and have pushed him close to his limits now I think 😞 There have been some comments I feel to be harsh but probably what I needed to hear, and others which have shown a bit more empathy so thank you

To those that said it could be to do with my childhood, I really don't think so, my parents relationship is one of those that make you sick they are so happy and in love! I also will not let it affect the children, they never see the arguments but probably sense the tension the next day and I need to put a stop to it before they start understanding and thinking it's acceptable!

I totally agree with Helloconfidence - fake it till you make it! I used to hate DH going out after DS was born. Now I quite like it! I generally eat something he wouldn't like, watch some crap on TV that he would openly label 'crap,' and chat to friends on the phone or whatever, then early night. Usually get up with DS the next morning too and let him sleep off the night out, when he wakes up he's so grateful to have been given the chance to let his hair down, sleep in and not be met by a resentful cow in the morning that he normally goes above and beyond for the rest of the weekend. It's in your best interests to get on board with it, believe me.

Thanks Bee, I so want to be able to do that. Although part of the problem is he works wed-sun and i work mon-Fri so we don't have weekends together.

I used to get this exact anxiety everytime my partner went out.
I have figured out you've just got to let it go. If he says he's going out don't ask him a single thing, it's not your business.
Remind yourself he loves you and is coming home to you and his kids.
Do something for yourself while he's out a movie, pizza, bottle of wine. Take a bath and paint your nails. Have friends round?
Go to bed calm and wake up next to him and be happy he had a good time.
And eventually it doesn't become such an issue and you become genuinely happy he had a good time.

flowerpot I have been in your DHs shoes...I'm not going to be harsh on you as you genuinely seem remorseful and want to change, but you have to take action and show him that you are making an effort to change. My stbxh was full of remorse and promises to change, expressed his dislike of how he behaved towards me and told people if the boot was on the other foot he'd have been gone years before...but, he did nothing to actually change, he wanted some epiphany I think but it was me who had that and left him (don't let that be you).

The thing that struck me in particular about your post was the stag night incident, the fact that you are still referring to this as a catalyst for your insecurities rings so many bells, mu stbxh would bring up things that had happened (or been imagined to have happened) years previously. If you have discussed something and agreed to move on from it, then you need to move on, he can do nothing to change the events of the past and to be reminded of a stupid mistake over and again will (if he is like me) feel that he is banging his head against a brick wall and can't do anything right.

My stbxh's controlling behaviour eventually spilled over into everyday life and wasn't just restricted to his dislike of me going out, but when we split & I went for counselling I was referred to a specialist counsellor for survivors of abusive relationships - he would have said he wasn't abusive, but he was.

Be careful not to minimise your behaviour as being acceptable because it is acceptable to you, maybe speak to your DH about how your behaviour makes him feel, you may be surprised at how upset he is and hopefully as you love him you will be able to change as you do not want to be the cause of that much hurt and upset to him.

I really do hope you find some peace as I don't believe my stbxh will ever be truly happy until he sorts his insecurities out.

Ah I see. That is hard to manage. It will get better in time though. Try talking to him about it when he's not going out and you're just at home together maybe? Tell him you hate the way you feel and how you're making him feel but that you're having a hard time letting go of those feelings? Try and go out too if you can and let him look after the kids. When I finally went put a couple of times and realised that he was having a great time chilling out eating pizza and watching footy while I was out I realised that it was okay for me to do the same.

I think Bee's advice is very sound, especially the fake it to make it bit. If you can change how you react your DH will appreciate it immediately and the way he reacts will help you. A virtuous circle (opposite to a vicious one)

Yeah, I know it makes me sound like a psycho bringing up something that happened two years ago but i was using it as an eg, i haven't actually mentioned it to him for a long time.

I'll work on faking it!! And trying to find something to occupy myself when he's out. And get a couple of dates set for a babysitter!!

My friend is in this situation with his wife who behaves in a very similar fashion and it is causing massive issues.

My friend is in no way perfect, and I daresay your husband isn't perfect, but that's not the point. You need to own your behaviour 100%. That kind of jealously and anxiety and is located entirely in your head, and will only lead to misery. Go to a counsellor in your own - this is not a dynamic he is creating. You need to be tough on your own behaviour in this respect - it is unacceptable.

On the other hand and at the same time, be kind to yourself. Do things that will give you more confidence, whether that is counselling or going out yourself in the evenings. It is tough with young kids, so make sure that you take the time out to do the odd thing that reminds you why you are 'you'

Thank you crazy. Dh is definitely not perfect but he is very good to me and deserves to be able to go out without the 101 questions. A previous poster said something like "you go out and realise he's chilled out watching Tele with a pizza" and try to do the same. Last time i went out i came home to a newly painted kitchen, he really is a good egg.