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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living an authentic life

39 replies

JennyMe · 03/07/2016 10:01

This might be a deep question (might not be).
I've really had to make some difficult changes in my life recently and to my relationships as I didn't feel I was living an authentic life, i.e. was trying to be who and what I'm not to fit in with other people. It's going to be an interesting and tough journey. It's had an impact within me and also on practical / outside areas of my life as well.
Does anyone else feel like they aren't living an authentic life or been able to make changes to live and be more authentic (however hard that has been). What results have you had in your life?
Or do you feel like you aren't living an authentic life and need to be?

OP posts:
Incognita82 · 03/07/2016 19:11

Yes I do try to live a life which is authentic to me. I spent years basically just servicing my narc ExH and young children. Worked myself into the ground doing stupid hours in a supposedly high status job which I hated but which had good pay then came home and did all the childcare and housework. Looking back I have no idea how I functioned on so little sleep for so many years.

A few years ago my life fell apart when I found out exH had cheated throughout our marriage and I couldn't bear to carry on with the job any more and was effectively pushed out. I had what I now think was probably some sort of breakdown although it was very low key and consisted of me sleeping all the time when I wasn't actively doing something, though I still met all my commitments like school runs etc.

When I emerged from that I was determined that the new life I built would be right for me. It is important to me to benefit others and to leave my old life behind so I work for a charity in an entirely new field. I get stressed very easily now so I try hard to look after myself and I just walk away from any stressful situations now because I have learnt that there is absolutely nothing in life you cannot leave.

I decided I never want another partner and I try to give myself enough nurturing time doing things which build me up. Years of being told how inadequate I was have left me with an eating disorder which I have not yet cracked, but that is next on my list of things to tackle.

I only go to social things which appeal to me (I hate parties) and because, ironically given my marriage, integrity and honesty are very important to me, I go out of my way to deal with others in the way I would like to be dealt with.

None of that sounds very exciting, but I do have a feeling of inner calm and peace now which I never had in my past life.

helhathnofury · 03/07/2016 19:13

Another one here, diagnosed with cancer 5 yrs ago so a desire to feel alive - coupled with what is probably a mid life crisis too. I've changed, become more selfish to do what I want as long as it doesn't hurt others. Won't put up with DH'S shit anymore. It's been a roller coaster 12 months or so, marriage counselling and brink of divorce. But he is now to some extent accepting this is how it will be, he can join me doing things or he can shut the f up and let me get on with it. So many people say how brave I am to go off and do stuff on my own, I mean sometimes I do wish someone would come with me, but I'm not going to miss out because of that. Must admit sometimes feel like a rebellious teenager, but I'm happier.

louiseaaa · 03/07/2016 20:13

Well helllooo

I know what you mean about "authentic" being a word that can come over as judgemental because the opposite is "inauthentic" which does have negative overtones, I like and use congruent. Coming from a counsellor perspective (I am not a counsellor btw) it feels less judgemental as it implies that you are trying to give voice to your values and beliefs in action in your everyday life which is less outward looking and more inward.

I'm a great beliver in that old adage progress not perfection again, I am human and I do make mistakes, act incongruently (Who for the sake of peace and harmony has let a statement pass from a friend or family member that you do not agree with - the phrase I ask myself is "how important is it?" there is after all not always black and white - there are many shades of grey in this world. So "live and let live" would be my next thought

What I am trying to say is that I am working hard on being true to myself and letting go of judgements about what is or is not authentic, for me and others, and trying to be true to my own beliefs and desires for me - that's no more authentic than any other person I meet living their life on their life terms. Sometimes we're dealt a shitty stick that means that we have to be practical rather that moral, but who are we to judge others in the same position? So congruence for me has a better ring to it. Smile

fattyfattytoadgirl · 03/07/2016 21:49

MeganChips + Helhathnofury

Your situations sounds similar to me and DH. He can be a (self-confessed) stick-in-the-mud. I was always buzzing around travelling and socialising until we got together and it all stopped. I feel I've made all the compromises in this marriage and supported his dreams.

I have since become ill (I can't help feeling depression contributed to that, but I can't prove it, of course) and being ill has slowed me down a lot and closed the gap between my energy and DH's. I wonder sometimes if we'd still be together if I hadn't become ill. I find it hard to tease out all my feelings about this. There are many things I am not so happy about.

If I had to do it all again, would I, knowing what would happen? No, I don't think I would. Zero-based thinking would say, in that case, you quit your losses and give it up. But there is still some good stuff between us and we have found some happiness.

There is much I'd still like to change. I have so little energy. I am going to start thinking about things I need to do to bring me happiness and find a way of doing them. I've been frustrated for a while now and am finding myself becoming slightly bitter and envious of others now and then. That's not me. I don't want to become that person.

JennyMe · 04/07/2016 07:29

Thanks for all your contributions. These have really helped me this morning.
Yes, maybe Congruent with your values is a better phrase.

OP posts:
StarsAligning · 04/07/2016 15:14

I've been tired and depressed for years. I read that this is what happens when the life is sucked out of you.. I'm sure some of this will lift when I'm free...

Meemolly · 04/07/2016 18:05

I wish you all the best... I am there too, trying to find my congruence, trying to find out what I like, what is ok for me, who I like rather than who likes me. It is an exciting, exhilarating, exhausting, journey, but I have never felt more alive. I am responsible for me now.

Greenandmighty · 05/07/2016 21:54

Oh ladies, I found the right thread tonight...music to my ears!😂 I was thinking along similar lines tonight. Fatty, your point about not explaining or complaining is so valid. I recognise I behave that way with dh. I can see how empowering it coukd be to avoid such behaviour. I think I'm 'strong' but in fact I act as if I need approval from him. My confidence has slowly become eroded. Also I agree that in a way you have to be what some woukd call 'selfish' in order to protect your mental health. Anyone know any good self help books or websites around this issue?

Greenandmighty · 05/07/2016 22:00

Incognita82, what a beautiful and inspiring post. Good on you and good luck with everything xxSmile

Offred · 05/07/2016 22:16

I'm unsure whether a parent (who is involved and parents their children) can live an 'authentic' life....

I dunno, I guess maybe depends on whether having children is part of the authentic you. Children having been somewhat dumped on me and having a really stressful time trying to get SEN DD support at the minute makes 'authentic me' seem like a pipe dream, wouldn't know where to start!

Kirk123 · 05/07/2016 22:48

Delighted to be part of this thread , 50 in May this year and just becoming my authetic self , I have spent my who,e life doing for others , thank goodness I just breathe and live my life for me , what do they say youth is wasted on the young , I wish I knew what I know now , I would stop spending time worrying about opinions of me I would just go with the flow !

Kirk123 · 05/07/2016 22:54

Incognita wow my story too , I admire your strength and it has resonated with me , thanks for sharing x

Thisisnow16 · 05/07/2016 23:02

Doing random acts of kindness each day makes me feel authentic. Smile

RedMapleLeaf · 06/07/2016 09:21

Does anyone else feel like they aren't living an authentic life or been able to make changes to live and be more authentic (however hard that has been). What results have you had in your life?

At about the age of thirty I became aware that I was inauthentic with my dad. Even at that age I still desperately wanted him to like me and to have his approval. I adapted my behaviour constantly. For example, I downplayed the aspects of me that he didn't like or understand but which in hindsight were very important to me and made me me. I only talked about his interests (which don't interest me) and never risked sharing my interests because of the reaction I would receive.
Anyway, I was encouraged by my therapist to stop doing this. To just be me. It took months for me to build up to doing this. It was a huge risk. But the payoff has been worth it. A weight was lifted that I hadn't even been aware had been there, squashing me for years. Perhaps all of my life? I only see him two or three times a year but I am genuinely happier every day of my life. I have given myself permission to be me.

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