All just one big horrible mess ......!

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Hello

I've been lurking in this forum for some time now just trying to get some reassurance that I'm not the only one going through such a horrible time at home.

To cut a long story short DP is a complete arse. We are so incompatible in every way and even strangers comment on it. I won't even go into how horrid he is as I know everyone will tell me to run a mile. The worse thing is, is that now 11 year old DS is replicating his dad's behaviour and has been verbally abusive and disrespectful towards me lately and his behaviour seems to be getting worse.

I know I need to leave but I just feel I've been pushed down so low I just don't have the strength to do it. Anybody else feel like they've just given up and it would be easier to stay miserable as the energy required to end it all just seems too much to summon?

I've put on weight, probably drink more than I should and have given up on doing more than basic housework. The only thing that is going well in life is work and my DD is a little ray of sunshine.

I haven't spoken to anybody about this but I do think my mum is aware although I can't talk to her about it as she is very judgemental and I know she would disapprove - I can hear her now saying, you've got a lovely house, DP works hard and the children are happy - stop being so selfish blah blah blah.

It's probably coming across that I am really sensitive to other peoples opinions of me and this is why I haven't left yet!

This is going to sound horrible, but I hope it is the wake up call you need... The fact that your son is mirroring his dad's behaviour means that he could very easily turn into the same sort of partner to women (or men) in the future. Think of some other poor girl, 20 years down the line, suffering as you have at the hands of your son, knowing that his father modelled that treatment of women to him.

And your dd, cute and lovely though she is (or, indeed, because she is so lovely), will probably end up equally subjugated and oppressed by an emotionally abusive man.

I know that sounds awful, but it is very clear from endless research that we model relationships From our childhood. Take steps - you have a good job, this is your foundation for departure.

RA - sorry no savings to really tide me over and I would hate to live with mum as I just think I'm too fragile to put up with her opinions and bossiness. I think I will have to stay in our house but I now DP would never leave as he is far to argumentative and stubborn.

DP and I own a rental property and I would like to think he would let me serve notice on the existing tenant and I could move back there with the kids (may be wishful thinking though as he won't make this easy). It would be perfect; 3 beds, near to kids school and friends, small mortgage ..... it would need a bit of work ie new carpets, kitchen and bathroom but I think we have about £120k equity so would end up with £60k each once the house we live in now is sold.

Sorry I know it's not very classy talking about money but guess what I am trying to say is that once the house is sold I won't be destitute so I don't know why I am so scared about everything.

How much equity in the rental property? You need a three bed flat I guess with manageable outgoings. If you can't buy you can rent. You need yo go asap imo. Can you borrow against the house sale for the next three/six months? You need to leave.

No equity in the rental property; all our equity is tied up in the family home.

Mortgage on the rental property which I'd have to pay is about £440 and I've no debts save for my car which is £170 a month on finance. I take home about £1550 salary per month plus £140 CB so I think it would be tight for a few months until the house is sold but doable.

To rent a 3 bed round here would be at least £750 pcm which I couldn't afford on the above calculations I don't think.

Just need to convince him to let me have the rental property which won't be easy and will take at least two months .......!

thistooshallpass yes it was incredibly hard to leave. We both had a lot of other issues and were wrapped up in a very co dependent fucked up relationship. It was only when I was forced to make a clear choice between ds or 'd'h that I actually made any kind of change.

I'm not saying that will be the case for you though. Keep getting support, in rl and on here and you'll get there. Just talking about your 'normal' to other people can wake you up to how abnormal it really is and that can be a start for Change.

Thanks YAMSD - I'm so glad you got out of that and you and your DC's are safe. I have massive anxiety about the next steps but hearing about other happy endings really make me believe I can do it!

NAOB thank you, you are bang on with what you say

is that £440 between you or £220 each?.

I still think you need to leave asap. See a solicitor about your assets and tell him what you are going to do once you have taken advice. Go to the bank and get a small loan pending house sale (wd yr parents help). You can take a 2 bed rental for six months. Can you be around a bit in hols fr the dc. Do it now, not at start of high school. See CAB vis a vis potential benefits, maintenance payments. If there's no equity in rental what's the point of keeping it if there's a negligible yield? Just another problem.

I feel for you but you have to focus on a better future and getting to it.

The mortgage payment is £440 - this is currently being covered by the tent we receive but if I move into that property I would have to pay the full £440 per month on my own as well as bills etc.

He'll fight me for the house though, even though the kids will live with me and he knows I can't afford to rent one of a similar size for less than £750 (out of my budget) as that's just the way he is.

You're tight RA - I need to get my ducks in a row and just go (or he needs to leave asap while the house is selling which I doubt he will) as he's vile.

The idea of getting a small loan and renting for a few months why everything goes through is an idea I will look into to as I hadn't thought of that before and I can pay it back once the house sells

Rent not tent and right not tight! Sorry

A cautionary tale which might help.

I was in an EA marriage and did not feel I had the strength to leave, my DS like yours started to copy his dads behaviour and I shrunk into myself, self preservation whatever it was, it did not help me.

Marriage finally finished after 25 years of hell for me, but I had kids so mistakenly thought I should try to stick it out for their benefit...

My DD sees her dad for who he is now, and has limited contact with him. My DS decided I was to blame for all of the things that had gone wrong in his life i.e. his dad having an affair and me telling him to leave, but not taking my DS with him, so he had to stay with the wicked mother who was always consistent with love and discipline.

He (DS) left home last year and moved in with a woman he hardly knew and has cut me off, he said he is sick of me always disagreeing with him.

I have now got to face up to years of not seeing him, while he has restarted a wonderful relationship with his dad again, and I get to hear about things via FB at how lovely his new wife thinks his dad is and all i want to do is scream at the top of my voice, it is a con.

But I don't, I internalise my feelings and wonder how I made such a big mess of things.

Don't be me!

(((Hugs))) howto, he'll see him for what he is in the end.

Thanks gettingthere I somehow doubt it, but I have decided that I am not to blame for this particular thing so he can think what he likes. It is really hard when you do whatever you can to make your kids happy and then get unfairly blamed. I am beginning to get a bit angry about it too.

Sorry to have hijacked the thread, I may post my own and try to work through my feelings.

Howtofixme I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like your DS has been brainwashed and it's true they always hurt the people they love most. You know what, I think he'll realise what his dad is like sooner rather than later and you'll have him back.

Little boys/young men are so influential and I don't think they can handle their emotions all too well.

I don't want to lose my little boy and it's heartbreaking to see how awful he is to me at times. I try to be rational and see him as just an angry little boy who is lashing out but I just see my DP in him and it makes me so sad how much he's damaged us all.

Thistooshallpass I agree he was brainwashed, and I stood by watching it happen, as I was told if I wanted to leave I had to give the children up, obviously that was not going to happen so I stayed. I wish I knew about mumsnet then but can't keep crying over spilt milk I suppose.

My biggest worry is that his dad will turn his back on him again and leave him high and dry once more, but he has burned his bridges with me and feel that he cannot make contact.

I hope that doesn't happen but time will tell.

My tale was more to say to you, that kids copy what they see and disrespect from kids to their parents should not go unchecked.

I told him off one day about something, he would have been about 15 or so and turned around to see his dad laughing and giving him the thumbs up sign. so I had lost before I had begun.

Just wanted to mention that I earn a similar wage to you and receive about £13 a week tax credits - not massive but does make a difference and I only have one DC so you might get a little more help once you move out. You can check online so you're prepared. Also have you checked Child Maintenance website for an idea of what he should be giving you? I found having them set a fixed amount was less stressful than negotiating with my ex.

Best of luck X

HTFM it sounds horrendous but I really think he will come round one day when his dad shows his true colours.

I bloody hate EA men!

Thank you Left, I would imagine although the kids would live with me he would still collect them from school and take them to their numerous activities as he does now and have them at least once over the weekend so he would be very much involved so I don't even know if it would feel right taking any money from him ........ Maybe I'm being naive though hey? I have everything planned in my head, but really I can't be sure how this is all going to pan out.

I also imagine if I've got a lump sum in the bank I wouldn't be eligible for any benefits etc but not sure about it all - I will check out the website.

I'm making a finance spreadsheet and a list now of everything I need to do. Positive action and all that!