Dispute at pickup: restraining order or mediation?

[torontonian]

DS is spending the weekend with STBXH. DS vomited three times during the night (STBXH only told me because I had what I thought was food poisoning and was vomiting too). I asked STBXH to take DS to the doctor - or DS could come with me to the GP.
At pickup time (for DD, different schedule) DS was hot. STBXH then disclosed he had a fever but he was not taking DS to the doctor today. There is a lot of backstory to doctors but in short, STBXH cant be bothered waiting to see a doctor (unless it is for himself). So we had an argument about the doctor, it got heated and he started fu**ing recording me again and I took his phone away. I was holding DS (3 y.o) in my arms and DD (1 y.o) in the strolller. STBXH struggled and then grabbed my arm and hurt me. There was bleeding and a bruise. As this hapenned I ask for help to a man across the street who intervened and called the police. So nothing further hapenned.
We were waiting for 4h and then police said they could not send a unit tonight. They will probably come home in a few hours to write a report.

This was not the first time that conflict arised at pickup/dropoff. I already asked to meet in a public place because I didn't feel safe. But today this hapenned in the street (very public).
Now, I need to drop DD tomorrow again and I . I would like to request an access centre for exchanges.
We do not have a court order yet and I still can't change the locks in the house. I stacked a bunch of furniture behind the front door for tonight. He is not agressive per se but he reacts violentlt in certain situations. Tonight I remembered he threaten his previous fiancee with a knife. So I am thinking of a restraining order. Do you think I should ask for one? Will I get it with a simple scratch and bruise in my arm? Or should I calm thing down and let it go (requesting the access centre)?

In case anybody is interested:

• I had to take a day off work because daycare would not allow DS to return without a doctor's note saying he is not contagious.
• Police recommended exchanges at the station and I agreed. Police called STBXH and gave him details. At the time of pickup he sent me a SMS saying that he was in front of the station.

• I can't show my injuries or police needs to act sua sponte and arrest him.

No advice, but having read your other threads, sending huge, huge hugs.

I hope you have the injuries documented. You may need it.

More hugs

I think you both need help, your poor child is in the middle of this

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of his behaviour you are still wrong about the GP. You are always required to keep yourself or child away from work or nursery for 48 hours after the last episode. It's a pita but helps stops bugs spreading.

You went off on one because he dared to disagree with you and actually he was correct.

Hand overs at the police station sound a good idea. Why can't you show your injury? Surely you want it logged at the very least?

Diarrhoea and vomiting is a 48 hour rule, I don't get why nursery would want a sick note. What a waste of a GP's time.

How on earth can a GP certify anyone as not contagious? I hope your nursery pays for taking up NHS doctors' time in writing pointless notes.

The police 'recommending' police station handovers is just as much a criticism of you as it is of him. They just don't want to waste their time policing you and your ex. Are you pleased that your poor kids are having to hang around a police station now?

This is so sad. You were silly to start an argument and stupid to snatch the phone. It was REALLY unfair to do it in front of the kids. He definitely shouldn't have grabbed and hurt you.

You need to stop doing this.

Can't you get a friend or family member to do pick ups or at least to come with you.

You need to both put the kids first.

What a mess

I haven't read other threads so I'm going on the face value of your OP, but you both need to sort your emotions out whilst around the dc. This kind of conflict will, undoubtedly, have implications further down the line.

Speaking from the other side, from experience, I can see your ex's point in recording handover. It isn't illegal (as a pp's up thread suggested) and my DP used it as a last resort following many false accusations of abuse, intimidation, manipulation and physical assault. Weirdly, once she realised (and proceeded to smack him in the face whilst grappling with him to get the phone off him) the accusations stopped. I know this is not a usual case but, I guess, my point is that perhaps you have not been conducting yourself in a reasonable way (despite you thinking you have) and he felt he had no choice but to have evidence to defend himself from accusations?

I know I am probably in a minority on MN that men do, in some cases, have to deal with women that behave appalling once a relationship ends so I will don my tin hat and mammoth shield.

As for taking a dc to the Dr for anything and everything, how ridiculous! Could you imagine the ramifications of taking a child to the Dr with a contagious vomiting bug and passing it on to a patient with a very low immune system? A common cold can be fatal to some patients. I would tell the nursery to do one tbh, it is impossible for a GP to sign their name to that. Calpol, fluids and rest is all that's needed unless they become dehydrated. Please stop wasting GP time.

OP I'm not sure you're still reading but I think this should be a serious wake-up call for you.
What stands out for me:

• you say you are scared of him I already asked to meet in a public place because I didn't feel safe. and have stacked furniture so he doesn't get in. That's quite extreme. What has he done on previous occasions? Do you believe he would force his way in the house or attack you? Have you run examples of his behaviour past a solicitor to see what they say? Keep a record of what he does or has done. The record needs to be as impartial as possible. But never get involved in anything physical even if he provokes you (like the phone filming). If he is abusive he could so easily end up turning it against you. And then what would you do?

-you sound like you have a lot of contact with him. Is it all necessary? His contact time, his problem. Does he ring you when it's his contact time? Don't answer. Don't get involved. DC is sick and he won't take him to doc. Make a note. Don't say anything.

• I have to say that the way you write it sounds like you are at the end of your tether and can't stand him and are trying to find fault with anything he does. OK he texted you to say he was outside the station. So what? He may be stupid, he may be provoking you, or just telling you he is here. You sound like you are reading the worst in anything he says. I'm not really criticising you as it sounds like you are having a terrible time but, think:
• if he is abusive you are playing into his hands completely, giving him so much ammunition to wind you up and put you in the wrong ...
• if he is not abusive, you are making the process more difficult than needed for yourself and your DC.
• in either scenario, your DC is bearing the brunt seeing his parents in this state with the drama. It must be scary for him. What happened wasn't a dispute, it was a physical fight.

You could end up in deep trouble if you keep rising to provocation (perceived or real) like this. You will never be able to change his attitude but you can try to change yours. Whatever his rights are regarding filming handover (I think it's totally wrong to do it btw), doing that is likely to make handover more tense than necessary. He must know that. But if you are business-like, and don't get involved in any conversation with him, he may well get bored of the trick quite quickly. Equally limit any texting/phoning to bare minimum for your own sanity.

Are you getting any support or counselling, and sound legal advice? It sounds like you need both, especially counselling.

You shouldn't have taken his phone. He should not have hurt you.

It shouldn't have happened in front of the child.

It all seems like drama over nothing as the child didn't need to go to the doctor in the first place.

Are you in the US?

Thank you for the support. As many of you have pointed out I am at the end of my tether and quite stressed. I have talked to my GP since my last post and I am going to receive counselling.

I am in Canada, idontlikealdi and the sick policy is 24h free of vomiting, diarrhea and fever. They can also request a note from the doctor. You can read an example here: thencomesfamily.com/community/thread/26147/thing-new-daycare-doctors-rule

MatildaTheCat I asked about not pressing charges but getting it logged. The officer said that as soon as I showed my injury they needed to go and artest him (suas ponte - meaning even if I don't press charges, if police know of a DV incident, they need to act for me and arrest him).

Are you pleased that your poor kids are having to hang around a police station now?
Really MrsBertBibby? What I feel is safe and calm, trusting I won't be assaulted there. And that is no doubt better than my children seeing their father hurting me or me running to hide in a restaurant bathroom as it happenned before.

AstrantiaMallow yes I am afraid he can try to come into the house as he has been very cocky about his right to enter any time and refused to return the keys. I can't change the locks until financials are settled (I have been waiting for his financial disclosure for 3 months now). I have installed an alarm system since this happened.

And sorry I didn't update. Things developed with an exchange of letters between lawyers.
My lawyer said that there was a grave incident and although I had decided not to press charges, exchanges were to happen at the police station.

His lawyer wrote that I assaulted him, that a neighbour came to separate us and that he is scared of me.

The exchange ended with my lawyer sending a timestamped photo of my injuries, the declaration of the neighbour saying it was me who asked for help, and a message that my STBXH sent me by mistake mocking me for asking to meet at the police station and saying that "we struggled over the phone", that is contrary to every allegation his lawyer made.

And that is precisely what I am more afraid of, his devious mind. I was lucky this time (witness, message mistakenly sent) but that is precisely why I think I need to keep meeting at the police station, for my own safety and not only physical.

Are your DC safe with him?

I have not read your other posts but purely on what you say here. He has looking after the DCs and you were trying to control what he did with them. He was right to deal with a vomiting bug at home, if you want to take DC to the GP unnecessarily then it's up to you to arrange in your contact time (DC should not go to nursery either for 48 hours after last vomit). You also took his phone which escalated matters. I think you should apologize to him in this instance.

Booboostwo I agree he should make decissions in his time with the kids. But I can also challenge them when I believe they are not in my children best interests. It looks like everybody here agrees my DS didn't need to see a doctor for vomiting/fever. What everybody seems to be ignoring is that it cost me a day off work to take him to the doctor to get a note so he could return to daycare. Law here is 24h, it had been 48h, but that doesn't really matter because I didn't have a note and daycare requires it.
The way our visitation is set up is that I am responsible for the kids every weekday until 5pm, that means any time daycare calls because they are sick I need to leave work. I have been back for almost 2 months after my mat leave and I took 5 days off already due to DC been sick. I can't afford it. Not with my project deadlines and not with my vacation days (15 per year). It has been the case that daycare called at 2pm, I got there at 3pm, just to handle DD over to STBXH at 5pm. This is having a big impact on my non professional image.

Booboostwo are you justifying assault because I was wrong according to you? And I should apologize?

Had his behaviour been better than mine I would. But after what he did, are you kidding me?

Sorry, I forgot. Somebody commented upthread that we had lots of contact? My lawyer also requested in his letter to keep contact to a minimum, limited to email and only related to the children, but STBXH didn't follow. I ignore when it is not worth an answer. For instance, he sent me his dentist invoice for me to make a claim to my insurance and I provided him with my policy number so he can make the claims himself - not kid related, but appropriate. But I didn't answer when he sent me a nespresso invoice with number of units, price per unit and wanted me to tell him how much was the total. He thinks I am idle, or his secretary

I am not justifying assault, nowhere did I say that. What you did was wrong, you tried to control his parenting and you took his phone, for that you should apologize. What he did next does not mean you do not have to apologize for what you did wrong. You are still responsible for your behaviour.

I don't quite understand how your system works, is it the case that a sick child can never return to daycare unless they have a doctor's note? How would daycare ever know your child had been sick over the weekend? The way you have set up contact does mean that you bear the brunt of sick days, then again you have the benefit of nursery care on most days, but perhaps this is something you should re-negotiate.