I told him

[Flurple]

I told him he has treated me badly, I told him I've let him, I told him I will not be speaking to him anymore, I told him not to speak to me, I told him I am done.

Now I'm scared I've made a terrible decision, can someone come and talk me down before I text him a pathetic apology and end up grovelling.

Oh yes thank you I see that now, I will certainly not be making this mistake again. What a way to learn that lesson.

good luck

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way

Don't compound your mistakes though. There is good advice on this thread.

She means don't dip your pen in the office ink, it's good advice!

Last night was an awful night he text me and I text back. I became quite needy, I'm going to suggest to my line manager that we keep all work contact in work. Through emails etc and (because she has a duty of confidentiality to her staff) explain why. I've worked so hard not to get work colleagues involved but I need to be able to block his number and move on. I am concerned she'll think badly of either of us but this is a step I need to take. Does anyone have any opinions on this? How I could word it without sounding like I can't separate work from my personal life?

I absolutely would not do this.
You will look unprofessional.

I think there's a side issue around work being discussed on uncontrolled devices (is this commercially sensitive? I wouldn't allow my team to be whatsapping on personal phone saying "this system is shit!" Or "project will be delayed") and also an issue about people working outside of hours. I discourage that in my team - people need downtime!

If a member of my team was really struggling with a break up within the team and asked me quietly to steer my work away from the ex for a few weeks, I'd be glad I was told and do what I could.

If a member of my team was getting hassling message from an ex during work time or during work conversations, I would speak to HR and then come down on them like a tonne of bricks!

But a member of staff who said "can you change the way we have all successfully worked just because I can't not text him?" I'm sorry, but tough love again - I would be very unimpressed.

You cannot expect your manager to be your mum or your bestie and let you off the hook on willpower!!!!!

You are a grown woman. Why did you text him last night? And what can you do to stop it? What strategy can you use? Second phone and leave the work whatsapp only to the work phone? Call a friend when tempted? Change his name to "I am not going to do this"? Post on here?

This is interfering with your work and your health. Have you booked a counsellor yet? Do it. Maybe that will help you with an alternative strategy. Do not text him again.

Incidentally, if your team is whatsapping about work evenings and weekends, I would bring that up. It's not fair - and as I said above, I'd be very about security. Although fine if it was just all shift swapping type chat. But you can't guarantee it will be - very easy for that to become confidential information.

But now isn't the time to do it if you're going to tell her it's devein by you being unable to sit on your fingers when a cheating arsehole texts you.

By the way - your work colleagues will resent any feeling that you expect them to take sides.

I thought of a strategy for you... Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Google it. You can do it online.
Also look at "chumplady".
Maybe make it a rule that whenever you want to text him, you have to spend 15 minutes on those first.

Or write yourself a long list of reasons not to engage with him, and make yourself copy it out (so you can't rush it) first before any reply. Hopefully it won't feel hard cos you're not "banning" yourself, initially. And once you have written the list, hopefully you won't want to van yourself, you'll actually not even WANT to.

I agree I can't expect my manager to help me with my willpower and everything you have said is right.
I may bring up the confidentiality issue, but I will leave that until I know I will have the strength not to text him. I do need to work on that first.
I would never ask my team to take sides, but I can see how it would come across this way.
I've looked into counselling, it looks so confusing online so I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow.
I'm heading over to google to look up those sites now. Thank you.

The thing is, even if you don't expect people to take sides, and even if they know that, the minute you say negative things about him at work, colleagues will think "I don't need your shit, I have enough of my own!"
Not even about side taking, just not wanting to be bothered with other people's problems becoming theirs when both people work there.

Very good point I can see what you mean, I may ask my manager to give us some time apart (I liked what you said about redirecting work) but other than that I will keep this whole thing out of work and keep looking for jobs in other departments.
Hopefully I will be strong if he does text me again, I have to remember how poorly he's treated me and that he does not deserve my attention.

Stop this nonsense!

What did he text you about?

Work? Respond in work time only.

Social? respond that you only engage with him on work matters.

Or just ignore.

Seriously, it's that simple.

He text me about a bit of everything, I'd like to say I replied without thinking but I knew I shouldn't.
I'm going to try telling him I'll only talk to him about work things from now on, if he texts me again, putting these sort of boundaries in place should hopefully help.

I can't ignore I don't know why but I've tried that and I end up in a worse place than before. I know that sounds pathetic but it takes a lot out of me and I run back apologising.

I feel physically sick at the thought of going to work tomorrow. I've been avoiding the work what's app group, I'm so scared he's going to make me out to have been unreasonable. I am regretting meeting him right now.

Mate. You have a weekend, you have a life. Switch whatsapp off ffs, or set to mute on the conversation.

If you can't afford to buy yourself a new phone, then you are not paid enough to be on call to a whatsapp group.

You can ignore love, you just have to ignore him because that's what you need to do.

Work related stuff, in work hours. Everything else? No. A flat straight no.

He knows what he's doing in mixing messages/subjects. Switch your phone off if you can't be trusted?

I'm not paid enough can't deny that but it's a job I love. That said I am taking a step back from the group I have to. This is too much.
I'm going to start by telling him I will only communicate with him regarding work and if that fails I'm going to have to woman up and ignore him.
Failing that I will switch my phone off, it seems such an obvious choice I don't know why I didn't realise it's an option till now.

Don't tell him you will only respond about work - just do it. You'll be giving him a reason to try and engage in a conversation and as he's the type to call you unreasonable - you have just handed him another example. So if he texts again - ignore. Look at the websites mentioned by PP, go and have a shower , run about the block, scream until your hoarse, anything but respond

Ignoring him is so difficult for me it takes a level of strength that I don't have when it comes to him. It makes me weak it exhausts me I panic because I know he will not react well to it. I want nothing more than to be able to ignore him but he has taught me that ignoring him is not an option.
I'm afraid to try it again.

Love the job. Great. That's brilliant. Everyone should love their job.

But to be taking up your weekend/ooh time? No. Not ok.

Pisses me off that employers take the mick like this.
taking advantage of those who love the job to do the unpaid hours

You don't need to tell this dickhead anything, just don't reply! Seriously! He doesn't deserve this reverence you're giving him!

What does he do?

That sounds like a call to 101 would sort that right out!

THEN you tell your employer!

"He has taught me that ignoring him is not an option"

If that's true, then you need to talk about a harassment order.

Seriously - you are CHOOSING to put yourself through this. There's only so much responsibility you can put on him.

No, I've not explained it very well he would never hurt me nor would I need to call the police. If I ignore him he keeps messaging if I continue to ignore him then he gives me the same treatment, in work, over text, over the phone.
Yes, maybe I am choosing to let him treat me like this. I'm so determined that this ends here though this is why I've blocked him and told him I am done. I have to stay strong this time as I won't let this carry on any longer.

So are you saying that he will ignore work communication during work hours?

If so, then the very first time he does it, that is when you go to your manager. Keep a record of every single time he stops you doing your job.

And please - for the love of God, take a good think about why you are so desperate to contact this man when you know he treats you like this. This is your JOB this dickhead is playing his pathetic games over!

You really do need to follow up on counselling.

Yes, he will because it means he is then ignoring me. It has seemed such a petty thing to go to her over in the past but after this thread I think that wouldn't be such a bad idea.
I have no idea why I want to contact him I know I'm better than this and deserve so much more than this but I still can't stop thinking of him. It's pathetic really.
I certainly will be looking into counselling I think I need to start working through this properly.