High Maintenance... what to do when it's DP?!

[ThisForToday]

Name changed as nobody is really aware of this so don’t want to be recognised…

So, DP and I have been together 4 years, both had previous long term relationships and both have dc from those – 5 in total!

I’m pregnant with number 6 – our first child together.

Not on here to slag him off (much!) as he is a wonderful partner, great Dad and does have a heart of gold.

But there is this one aspect of his character that I’m really struggling with and I think I need some impartial advice as it’s starting to really bother me.

The best way for me to describe it is ‘high maintenance’.

Our lives are busy! 5 kids, both work full time, I have 100 mile commute each day, both have quite high pressured and sometimes stressful jobs. However, we both choose to work this hard to have the house of our dreams and the lifestyle we want. Plus 5 kids are expensive!!

As you can imagine though, being so busy we’re often like ships in the night at home – one supervising homework whilst one is cooking tea etc… I’m also extra tired at the moment approaching 40 and pg.

DP often makes comments like “I never see you”, which we discuss and both come to the conclusion that we have made certain choices for a reason, and we could both look at reducing hours, changing jobs etc, but there would be a lifestyle change that would come with that which neither of us want at the moment.

Standard day for me is 12 hours out of the house commuting and going to work, then come in, do homework, bath time, tea, bed time, washing etc etc, and then we will snuggle on the couch for an hour or two watching tv and then I’ll be tired and want to go to bed.

This is often met with the one statement that really really bothers me… “I’m bored”!!!!

How can a 40 year old man say that?! There’s a million things to do and surely it’s not too much to ask for someone to spend a few hours on their own and amuse themselves if they want to stay up late. (He’s always needed far less sleep than me!)

Have encouraged him to see friends more, increase time doing his hobbies etc etc. That’s generally met with “I’m tired” after work…

But I can’t solely be responsible for keeping him amused/entertained can I?!

It’s compounded by the pregnancy as I am a lot more tired than usual, and he often says he’s “lost his partner in crime” as we don’t have our drunken nights out or late nights with wine/dvd/music/drunken chatter at the moment, which we both always used to enjoy.

I just feel quite suffocated by it all and I don’t know what to do… I don’t know if it’s hormones or my current state of mind that is blowing this out of proportion, but it’s like an extra child that constantly needs my attention (and affection – this is another issue!) otherwise he doesn’t feel loved, doesn’t feel like our relationship is good etc etc.

I think we do really well in terms of quality time together (always make the most of the time when the dc are with their other parents), but he wants a level of attention and affection that I just don’t think I can give alongside 5 kids, work, and everything else.

Anyone else have experience of this?? Any advice?

Oops sorry didn't realise it was so long - well done if you got to the end!!

Why are having a child with this man child ?
Who idea was to have another child?

No you have a full house and a full day/week you're not responsible for entertaining him. With such a large family the time will have to wait ime.
He needs to grow up.

Gosh, you've written loads about what he needs to feel loved. You have written nothing about what you need.

What do you need?

What plans has DH made to see more of you?

My DH does quite a few of the household chores after I go to bed. He needs less sleep than me. He always does the kitchen and some laundry after I go to bed so we get some nicer time together when we are both awake. Obviously that nicer time often involves stuff with children or doing boring jobs together but that's all bonding too.

Is he still going to be bored when the newborn arrives? He certainly won't have a partner in crime then will he? Is he prepared for that?

I don't think it's your responsibility to keep him entertained in the evenings.

I don't know how you manage your lifestyle tbh but as you say, you have made certain choices and you have to live with that.

If he is guilt tripping you that's not nice. I hope he turns out to be supportive when your baby arrives.

Thanks for the replies, much appreciated.

Dontanalyseit I don't know how I manage it myself either sometimes - I've known DP for years and the pressure of a large, extended 'blended' family was something that made me really really think hard about whether or not this was the right relationship for me...

I do love him though and I think we generally get on great and are happy. But man-child is probably a fair comment.

RunRabbit I think I just need him to back off a bit and appreciate that just because we don't get drunk every night and have sex that it doesn't mean the relationship is no good.

It's a good idea to let him pick up a few more of the household chores so that I get to sit down a bit sooner... I do find it hard to delegate (in work it's easy but not so much at home!). I wonder whether it's as simple as that - for me to start telling him what I need too and stop making it all about him...

I think I fear that may result in us realising there's a deeper incompatibility issue here... Did this just work when it was 'fun' and we had kid-free nights and lots of time for him to act like he doesn't have this many children!

Yes, tell him what you need. Absolutely do not let it be all about him.

If there is a deep incompatibility then the sooner it is obvious that is the source of the problem, the better.

The worst situation would be suppressed incompatibility where you let him be a man child, he whines about not getting drunk with you any more, you do all the work to make yourself compatible with him while he moans that you aren't doing enough to be exactly what he needs.

If you keep suppressing your needs then he has no chance to step up and save the situation, which means you are doomed.

He sound really immature - good luck when you have a new born to look after as well as all your other commitments!

(Don't want to be horrible, but it sounds as if you didn't really think this through that carefully...)

He might be being immature and unreasonable, but it's how he feels and it is very difficult to rationalise someone out of an emotional position.

He is essentially telling you that he's unhappy.

I guess you have three choices - separate, dismiss his concerns and hope they go away, or try to reach some sort of agreement that satisfies you both.

That does sound super tough! I'm guessing it might be best for you to just get through the rest of the pregnancy and see how things are then. It does sound stifling. I absolutely appreciate that sex may not be high on your agenda just now, but do you show him affection other than sex? Ie, physical contact and telling him that you love him etc. Sounds like he needs a bit of reassurance at the moment.

You are having his baby together, perhaps he needs reminding that you wouldn't take that responsibility on lightly and that that means you have made a commitment to be with him for the long term. However, you need his support right now and don't need to be carrying him. Especially with everything else you've got going on in your lives!

If he's "bored" etc then it's his responsibility to entertain himself. If he's too tired for friends and hobbies, fine, but he can't expect you to fill the gap.

Good luck