Can a woman ever really trap a man?

[user1467042399]

With the word "trap" I mean with a child.
Basically I want a baby but my boyfriend doesn't at the minute.
It upsets me but I've accepted that in a couple of years he might change his mind.
My friends boyfriend wouldn't commit,wouldn't get a house together etc,would argue all the time and break up etc until she stopped taking the pill and got pregnant,she told him the bootea supplements she was taking stopped the pill working.
Now 19 months later they still together,he moved in with her and is a fantastic dad.
Yes they argue all the time and he even stays with his friends when they argue but he still goes back to her.
Then me and my boyfriend have a good relationship and he won't have a baby.
In a way I'm really jealous,he clearly fell back in love after the baby so what if my bf felt the same about a surprise baby.
I wouldn't ever do it,I just feel sad I guess that some people get whatever they want.

[LazyJournalistsQuoteMN]

It's a bad idea. Have you spoken about marriage and children? How does he see your future together. It's an enormous breech of someone's trust to trick them into having a child when they have categorically stated that they are not ready or do not want a child. It's usually the child who suffers most.

[FairyDogMother11]

It's not fair on him at all if you do that. He has specifically stated he doesn't want kids, so why are your feelings that much more important than his? You need to be open and honest with each other and it seems like he is being. I notice you suggest you hope he'd change his mind, is this a long term issue? Because if it is, I wouldn't bank on him changing his mind and it's not fair to trap him when there's a whole world out there full of things that might suit you both better.

[Hurtandconfused2016]

Oh God! Do some people not realise what having a baby is like? How it changes your life and what the babies life will be like?

Op please don't have an "accident" as you put it! Me and my ex decided to have another baby last year. A year on he has said he only done it to make me think he loved me! Here i am sitting with a 2 year old and a 4 month old which he has seen twice since she has been born! Thinking you could trap someone is ridiculous he won't stay if he doesn't want to! You would be left with the baby a broken heart and when that child is old enough to ask questions what will you say?

[user1467042399]

My boyfriend has said he wants to get married and have a baby in a few years.
He has even opened a savings account and putting money away as we have said we would like to get married in Cyprus where he's parents live.
We are talking 3 -4 years down the line.
He enjoys nights out at the minute and I know he doesn't want to loose freedom just yet.
Wish I could loose these broody feelings.
Seeing my friend go away with her little family this weekend to the caravan makes me envious but I guess I have to think things aren't perfect with her and him and in a way her bf is living a lie and I don't want mine to be like that.
It's just I stupidly think her bf wouldn't commit now he is going on holidays as a family,why can't that be us.

[FairyDogMother11]

Wouldn't you rather your little caravan holidays were nice though? Yes it'll mean waiting but at the end of the day, don't you want your DC's to be wanted by both parents? I have a medical issue; my consultant is pretty insistent I need to have my family complete by thirty, but if not for that, I would have been happy starting a family at 32/33. It's an opportunity for you to get everything in place and enjoy life. I understand feeling broody, I think it's pretty natural. But I think you need to plan some other exciting stuff like trips and holidays etc to keep you busy so the focus is taken off this issue.

[user1467042399]

We are going to New York a week before Christmas for 5 days but that seems a way off yet..he works all the time.
Really hard to get time off from his job.
I really couldn't imagine being with anyone else or having kids with anybody else.
He suggested getting a puppy and I have no idea how I didn't punch him lol

[FairyDogMother11]

Yes I understand Re. time off work. Its the opposite with me and my partner - he can book a week off pretty much whenever, whereas I have a week off in July and can't book another off till almost December. So we struggle with holidays. But you can organise days out or a night away - might be more difficult but we manage just about. Just do things you couldn't if you had DC. Haha, however getting a pet of some sort - maybe a dog, or a kitten may actually help a bit, give you a focus for a bit. My lovely SIL has had to wait to have babies for one reason and another, but is reasonably settled now she has a couple of cats. They're very spoilt though haha

[FairyDogMother11]

And New York is spectacular, I went last year, had the most amazing time! I went with friends though. Could you book something with friends so you've got something else to look forward to? :)

[babba2014]

Oh my gosh. After having a baby the best relationships can suffer because of lack of time for each and and tiredness. I would not be jealous of her at all. The bickering is draining. It's common for even loved up couples but at least we have better memories to look back on to keep us going through the early years of childhood.

Seriously, don't be jealous. It's probably really difficult being in a relationship like that and I would imagine she's thinking what have I done. You don't want to bring a child into a terrible relationship.

Enjoy your life pre kids but also think hard about whether he will change his mind or not? As if he still thinks no, you may end up resenting him, or not.

[daisysmom]

Be patient and its meant to be it will be. Never be tempted to trap someone because if they don't want to be there in the long term they will leave!

[corythatwas]

remember it's not just about getting a child, like winning a prize in competition or scoring a goal in a tournament

you then have to live with that child for 18+ years, knowing that:

it will look to you for moral guidance and for a model of behaviour

it will know if it was not wanted by one parent

it will know if there is resentment between the two parents

it will know if both parents respect each other as good and decent people

once that child is here it will no longer be about you and your feelings- you will want to give that child the very best you can, including an involved and hands-on dad

We waited over 10 years before we had our first: I was 32, and we then went on to have a second. Both now nearly grown up, and there has not been a day when I haven't seen how good it is for them that dh is 100% on board.

I would ask him to be honest with you about whether he is willing to try for a child later, and then take it from there. But honesty is the key.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

I guess I just find it hard to see how a man could ever feel "trapped" because of a child as its his flesh and blood.
He would feel trapped that he has a permanent tie to a woman he does not want to stay with.

My boyfriend has a heart of gold and I know for a fact he wouldn't walk away.
He may not walk away from his child, but he may well leave you, and in the process, he may end up some distance away from his child.

It is incredibly selfish and really stupid to think that this is a good idea. You are putting your wants above his rights and the needs of any potential child.
Just wait. You are still very young, there is loads of time for a planned family.

[user1467042399]

Using my friend as an example he didn't want any commitment and now the baby is here 18 months later he is bessoted with him and has now moved in with her and making a go of things.
Yes they argue and yes he occasionally stays with friends but still goes back.
So men's opinions can change when they see the child.
Even my friend said there is no way he would walk away from her now.
I know not everyone is the same but I couldn't imagine him leaving now.

[user1467042399]

I will wait till my boyfriend is ready and he may decide sooner he wants a baby.
I have to be paitent I guess

[MatildaTheCat]

Virtually everyone loves their own child when it arrives even if unplanned. However it doesn't sound as if your friend's partner loves the home life very much and frankly, 19 months isn't very long at all. I doubt the relationship will last and your friend will have a whole lot more unpleasantness to deal with.

[BabooshkaKate]

OP you keep saying that your friend's baby daddy "stood by her" but I really don't think you understand what that means.

Standing by someone is not just hanging around the house for a bit, it is working as a partnership and supporting the person.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

I highly doubt your friend's relationship will stand the test of time.
Yes he's stayed around and they are giving it a go for now, but adding children adds more stress to any relationship. He's committed to his child, it doesn't sound like he is very committed to her.
Friends o/h often tells her he thinks she's a bitch when he is drunk
Yes they argue and yes he occasionally stays with friends but still goes back.
This is not normal behaviour and it is not the foundation of a secure relationship.

I have a male friend in a similar position. He has stayed with his gf because he loves his child and this is the most convenient way to have a relationship with his child. He also has somewhere to live, company, food and sex - but there is no way he is actually in love with her. I think he would like to be in love with her, but it won't happen. I give it another year or so before they actively start disliking each other.

[NikiSaintPhalle]

I would ask yourself very carefully why, despite being repeatedly challenged on it, you continue to find your friend's deeply unenviable situation - a small baby she knows her partner didn't want and is unlikely to be doing 50% of the childcare for, a cohabitation that is only taking place because of that baby, a partner whose chief 'virtue' seems only to be that he hasn't left her permanently yet and who abuses her when he gets drunk - somehow enviable!

If you want a child that badly and are not prepared to wait until your partner shares your desire, or don't trust that he will eventually, then act like an adult, end the relationship and look for someone else, rather than planning a 'trap'.

The disingenuous 'whoops, entirely unaccidental contraception failure!' approach to relationships and having a baby is immature and cowardly.

[TempusEedjit]

Just think how many couples actually plan together to have children then go on to split up anyway, let alone when the baby wasn't wanted by one of the parents.

You say your BF would never leave but you're assuming he wouldn't be resentful or suspicious of your "accidental" pregnancy. If you have a baby but your BF does end up leaving, just imagine him going on to meet someone else and you having to wave off the child you so wanted into the arms of their stepmother every other week. Why would you want to take the risk?

[Hellothereitsme]

If I was a man and having discussed having a baby and making it quite clear that I wasn't ready I would be fuming if my GF then lied and "trapped" me. It would be a complete abuse of trust and I'm not sure I would trust them again which ultimately would destroy the relationship.

Your friends relationship is s poor example. Loving partners do not argue then stay out all night with the sulks. Your expectations of a good relationship are really low OP. Good partners are there for you.

[2yummymummy2]

how would he ever be able to prove that you have trapped him?

Unless you tell him he would never know

Contraception does fail, condoms don't always work and you could of had a tummy bug that affected your pill

I'm not saying it's right or wrong but if your are worried about fertility then do what's best for you not him

[NikiSaintPhalle]

I think that's close to the worst advice I've ever seen on Mn, 2yummy.

[2yummymummy2]

It wasn't advice, just stating a fact. He would never know or be able to prove it

[2yummymummy2]

And I didn't say she should do it I said she should do what's best for her

She might decide what's best is to leave him