Can a woman ever really trap a man?

[user1467042399]

With the word "trap" I mean with a child.
Basically I want a baby but my boyfriend doesn't at the minute.
It upsets me but I've accepted that in a couple of years he might change his mind.
My friends boyfriend wouldn't commit,wouldn't get a house together etc,would argue all the time and break up etc until she stopped taking the pill and got pregnant,she told him the bootea supplements she was taking stopped the pill working.
Now 19 months later they still together,he moved in with her and is a fantastic dad.
Yes they argue all the time and he even stays with his friends when they argue but he still goes back to her.
Then me and my boyfriend have a good relationship and he won't have a baby.
In a way I'm really jealous,he clearly fell back in love after the baby so what if my bf felt the same about a surprise baby.
I wouldn't ever do it,I just feel sad I guess that some people get whatever they want.

[Atenco]

The only ones that I know who took that line of action ended up with a husband who went out all the time while they stayed in looking after the baby.
I was a single parent and I am sure it wasn't half as lonely as that scenario.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

I'm sorry that you had to grow up with your own father telling you he was thinking of leaving. That is an incredibly cruel thing to say to a child.

Please don't willingly put a child of your own in that position. Of course a man can feel trapped by an unwanted pregnancy, and in that case it is likely the child that will suffer most because of it.

[Trills]

It's a god point that 30/31 is only a couple of years.

If he really will be ready for children in a couple of years, you should be able to have serious discussions about things like living arrangements and finances now. Will you go back to work? Would either of you go part time? What kind of childcare can you afford?

If he's not willing to have the kind of discussion then maybe he doesn't actually want to have children with you and is saying "In a couple of years" to avoid the discussion.

[PsychedelicSheep]

'You have seriously overestimated how much fun a wet weekend in a caravan is'

Ha! So true.

OP, it's a stupid idea don't do it. Your boyfriend said 30/31, that's only a couple of years ffs! While kids are wonderful, they're also a massive drain and general ball ache a lot of the time. Your boyfriend has the right idea with waiting and enjoying your youth for a bit longer.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Don't get pregnant on purpose.

I know someone who did as she hoped the man would stand by her. He left immediately. Kid ended up in care. Had a shitty childhood. Now grown and still fucked up. All because someone wanted a baby as she thought it would make him stay.

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

But surely you're the one who's trapped OP? The woman who is trapped between her biological clock ticking and the knowledge that leaving the man she is currently with will diminish the likelihood of having children.

It's a hard position to be in and can ruin that time of life for you.

[Freshprincess]

You have seriously overestimated how much fun a wet weekend in a caravan is.

Enjoy your freedom For the next few years, then when babies do come along, you can enjoy them more knowing your not missing out.

[branofthemist]

My friend did this, told her DP she was on the pill. She got pregnant he stayed because it was the 'right' thing to do.

6 years later they finally split up. On average once a year he moved out, she would cry and tell him she couldn't live without him, he would eventually go back, they would spend all their time arguing. Both as abs as eachother. He would leave again and it would start all over.

Their child is now 9 and has been so badly effected by it all. She is anxious and ready all the time, even now. She can't abide her parents being in the same room.

My friend did what she wanted with no thought for the child that was being made. He thought he was doing the right thing, but he wasn't. The relationship didn't work and neither covered themselves in glory.

Who is paying for it all? The child.

Do you think your boyfriend wouldn't suspect something if you fell pregnant soon? Do you think he would believe it's an accident?

Your friend doesn't have everything she wants. She is miserable, her boyfriend is miserable and her child will be affected.

This has to be one of the most selfish things a person can do.

[wallywobbles]

I got pregnant by accident with my then fiancé. It was a huge surprise. Second pregnancy not planned either. I have a dodgy cycle as it turns out.

He always used it as a stick to beat me with. Now he's my ex. Divorced when they were 2 & 3.

He then used them as a stick to beat me with.

I don't regret my DC but I regret them having him as their Dad.

[wallywobbles]

I got pregnant by accident with my then fiancé. It was a huge surprise. Second pregnancy not planned either. I have a dodgy cycle as it turns out.

He always used it as a stick to beat me with. Now he's my ex. Divorced when they were 2 & 3.

He then used them as a stick to beat me with.

I don't regret my DC but I regret them having him as their Dad.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

It wasn't advice, just stating a fact. He would never know or be able to prove it
He doesn't have to prove anything. If he thinks it might have been deliberate then he may well feel trapped and resentful.
Add the lack of trust into an already dodgy relationship and you have disaster written all over it.

[LilacInn]

No, counseling because you contemplate coercing your boyfriend into being a father.

[user1467042399]

Counselling because I want to become a mother?seroiusly ? Isn't that something that most women feel at some point.

[LilacInn]

No, selfish is demanding that one choose the restaurant or the TV show all the time.

Being honest & firm that one is not ready to be a parent is the absolute opposite of selfish.

The decision to produce a child is the most monumental one that a human being can make. For one's self and for the ramifications to the planet and society at large.

Trying to coax someone into doing that as proof that he "considers your needs" or whatever is reprehensible to say the least.

[2yummymummy2]

The original question was can you ever trap a man... Yes you can

Just look at celebrities who have children from affairs
Jude law for example he already has kids probably didn't need any more, but got caught and is now paying child support
Liam Gallagher the same, paying child support to someone in America
Louis from one direction. Also has a baby in America, I'm sure he didn't plan that but he can't prove the girl lied about being on the pill or whatever it was that happened.

How could anyone ever prove that it wasn't an accident?

[2yummymummy2]

I haven't done it personally but there must be loads of women who get pregnant like this and medically there is no way to prove it wasn't an accident

If your friend had never told you, you would probably of thought it was an accidentally pregnancy as well.

There's really no way for anyone to know if these things are or not unless the women tells someone.

I've had failed contraception in the past as have most people. Unless you have blood tests every day there is no way to tell that someone hasn't taken the pill

User have a good think and decide what's best for you. It might be to meet someone else or it might be try and talk him round. Atm he sounds very selfish ignoring what you want which isn't fair on you

[LilacInn]

Nagging someone into becoming a parent is so wrong, on so many levels, that words nearly fail me. And engineering a contraception failure, if you two have mutually agreed that you are in charge of birth control, is heinous. An act of utter contempt for him AND the potential child.

You say you 'wish you could lose this broody feeling.' Why not seek out some counseling? Explore what you think parenthood will be like, why your identity seems to be wrapped up in reproducing and why you are so desperate.

And ponder why you would want to have a child with a person who has made it clear he is not, at least for some years, interested in being a parent? Wouldn't you want better for your own offspring than a disinterested father who was talked into it because you felt 'broody.' You need to accept that there are trade-offs to life choices and either take him as he is - uninterested in fatherhood - or leave him and find someone whose goals are in line with your own.

[user1467042399]

I'm under no illusion that my friends relationship is perfect but when the baby came along he could of still been a dad but chose to be a family.
I was thinking if a man who is so anti commitment commited then hope for everyone

[2yummymummy2]

And I didn't say she should do it I said she should do what's best for her

She might decide what's best is to leave him

[2yummymummy2]

It wasn't advice, just stating a fact. He would never know or be able to prove it

[NikiSaintPhalle]

I think that's close to the worst advice I've ever seen on Mn, 2yummy.

[2yummymummy2]

how would he ever be able to prove that you have trapped him?

Unless you tell him he would never know

Contraception does fail, condoms don't always work and you could of had a tummy bug that affected your pill

I'm not saying it's right or wrong but if your are worried about fertility then do what's best for you not him

[Hellothereitsme]

If I was a man and having discussed having a baby and making it quite clear that I wasn't ready I would be fuming if my GF then lied and "trapped" me. It would be a complete abuse of trust and I'm not sure I would trust them again which ultimately would destroy the relationship.

Your friends relationship is s poor example. Loving partners do not argue then stay out all night with the sulks. Your expectations of a good relationship are really low OP. Good partners are there for you.

[TempusEedjit]

Just think how many couples actually plan together to have children then go on to split up anyway, let alone when the baby wasn't wanted by one of the parents.

You say your BF would never leave but you're assuming he wouldn't be resentful or suspicious of your "accidental" pregnancy. If you have a baby but your BF does end up leaving, just imagine him going on to meet someone else and you having to wave off the child you so wanted into the arms of their stepmother every other week. Why would you want to take the risk?

[NikiSaintPhalle]

I would ask yourself very carefully why, despite being repeatedly challenged on it, you continue to find your friend's deeply unenviable situation - a small baby she knows her partner didn't want and is unlikely to be doing 50% of the childcare for, a cohabitation that is only taking place because of that baby, a partner whose chief 'virtue' seems only to be that he hasn't left her permanently yet and who abuses her when he gets drunk - somehow enviable!

If you want a child that badly and are not prepared to wait until your partner shares your desire, or don't trust that he will eventually, then act like an adult, end the relationship and look for someone else, rather than planning a 'trap'.

The disingenuous 'whoops, entirely unaccidental contraception failure!' approach to relationships and having a baby is immature and cowardly.