Can a woman ever really trap a man?

[user1467042399]

With the word "trap" I mean with a child.
Basically I want a baby but my boyfriend doesn't at the minute.
It upsets me but I've accepted that in a couple of years he might change his mind.
My friends boyfriend wouldn't commit,wouldn't get a house together etc,would argue all the time and break up etc until she stopped taking the pill and got pregnant,she told him the bootea supplements she was taking stopped the pill working.
Now 19 months later they still together,he moved in with her and is a fantastic dad.
Yes they argue all the time and he even stays with his friends when they argue but he still goes back to her.
Then me and my boyfriend have a good relationship and he won't have a baby.
In a way I'm really jealous,he clearly fell back in love after the baby so what if my bf felt the same about a surprise baby.
I wouldn't ever do it,I just feel sad I guess that some people get whatever they want.

[BabooshkaKate]

Martyrdom is not something to strive for

[contrary13]

I know someone who thought that by having her DP's baby, she'd "trap" him into staying with her. She genuinely thought that he'd love their baby enough to stay with his mother. Five years and two babies down the line... he walked, saying that he'd never wanted them in the first place and couldn't stand to be around their mother any longer. 23 years later, those two babies are very angry young men indeed, who don't have a relationship with either their father, or their mother (they live with their mum's parents, still, even though the oldest is almost 29!). Their father is on his second marriage (although he didn't marry the lads mother) and has 7 children by various mothers. Their mother? Well, she's married and is the entire reason as to why her two sons won't give her the time of day.

Your friend's relationship isn't healthy, OP, for either her or her child. You have absolutely no idea of the fall out that witnessing emotional abuse, at the very least, can cause - especially to a young, immature, impressionable mind. No, a man cannot be "trapped" (because fathers find it far easier to walk away from their children than mothers do, statistically speaking), but more importantly perhaps is the fact that no woman should have to "trap" a man into staying with her, by introducing a child into the mix. You cannot force a man to stay with you, and you definitely cannot try to guilt one into staying with you because of a baby/toddler/child/teenager. Surely it's better to have a man who loves you and wants to father a child/children with you... than one who will resent you and the child/children and run at the first opportunity?

[LaurieLemons]

Things could turn sour, just because things worked out for your friend doesn't mean they will for you and her life hardly sounds perfect. Plus it wouldn't be fair on him. What if he wanted you to get an abortion? He could end up resenting you and even the child. You'd still have plenty of time to find someone else who's on the same page as you, I think you need to be honest with him about how you're feeling.

[ForestFruits12]

I definitely DO NOT think trapping someone with a child is a good idea, and it would make me feel sick to the stomach if I thought someone was playing with my future like that.

However, I do partly understand your jealousy. me and my ex were together for 10 years and I really wanted to start a family. he said we weren't ready financially, even though we were earning pretty good money. It felt like all my friends were taking that leap (they were earning less, and in less favourable situations - ie renting rather than owning etc).

I 100% felt jealous and hard done by.

although sometimes its a blessing, as we ended up splitting up.

x

[KatharinaRosalie]

Because the situation you described with your friend is so far away from OK I am actually struggling to see how you could think otherwise

That. He's not really a fantastic dad, if the child has to grow up in a family where parents are constantly arguing and dad storming out and sleeping elsewhere regularly.

[TanTanNubuck]

I want a time machine like the one OP has.

[LaurieLemons]

My mum walked out on me when I was 12, telling me she'd only had me to keep my dad happy and now he didn't even want her so what's the point. It happens all the time and you don't know what's going on inside their heads, your friend's boyfriend could have that same resentment building up.

You could find someone else who wants to start a family just as much as you, but obviously talk to your boyfriend about it first.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I'm 28, don't do it. I have two and wish I had waited until I was in my thirties.

Your bf could be planning on proposing first and being married before you have dc. Give him a chance and have fun for a couple of more years before you think about missing your pills! Sort out your career, retrain if it's not going anywhere, go on expensive foreign holidays and live your life a bit more before your stuck with kids forever.

[techmonkey]

Well you could have eggs or an embryo frozen maybe???
But you have to tell you partner how you feel, honestly and fully tell him... And if is definitely not willing to have children you will have to end that relationship and find a man who does want to be a father!
Good luck, don't do what your friend did, hope it goes well for you!

[Freshprincess]

having a baby is hard, even when you both really really want it. 'Trapping' him is the wrong way to go about it.
Your really not that old. I was 33 when I had mine.
You've got loads of time to either wait and see if he changes his mind, or find someone who feels the same way as you.

[DoubleCarrick]

My friend was "trapped" by someone. He never wanted kids. He's stood by her - she moved in to his place. He's struggling with the baby and is turning into a resentful mess. Tbh, as much as I think he's an idiot I feel sorry for him - he's always been very clear about never wanting kids.

Equally OP, maybe it's worth considering if you and your boyfriend have the same goals in life? Me and my ex broke up a few years ago - I'm now happier than ever and expecting DC1 with my husband. He's going to be a dedicated and loving father. I would not have wanted kids with my ex. Choose wisely

[Chewits]

OP I've wanted another baby for years, I've been with my DP for 5 years and he's always said he never wants kids. I already have a DC from a previous relationship and when I met him I said I didn't want more either but changed my mind after a couple of years I got to the point that I was so desperate I had thought about doing what you're saying but I decided to tell him that if there was no chance of me having a baby with him then we would have to split up. He then said 'fine we can have one if it keeps you happy' and it suddenly clicked that this was not the way I wanted to have a baby, I want a baby with a man who wants a baby too, who will love me and the baby and love his life with me and the baby. I realised my life would be miserable if I had a baby with a man who didn't want one and it would be so unfair on the child

[EverythingWillBeFine]

If having a baby is so important for you, then now is time to go separate ways.
If you don't you will regret deeply a few years down the lines and you will probably separate anyway (and you still won't have had a baby). Whereas if you do separate now, you might be able to find someone you are happy with and wants a child too.

If this is a deal breaker for you (and it looks like it) you need to also tell your current partner about it.

Having a baby against the wish of the other parent never works. The example of yur friend is actually a really good one. She has a child but at what price?? the fact he is 'still' there doens't mean she is happy or that they have a good relationship or that this is the right environment for the child.

[EverythingWillBeFine]

And nope I don't agree that your friend's be has stood by her.
he has moved in but your. Description of their relationhsip is one that volatile at the very least.
Not the sort of relationhsip from which you build something LT at all, nor one where you can be happy.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

Oh I'd just like to point out that trapping him doesn't necessarily mean keeping him.

Single parenthood doesn't sound that bad, you and your baby against the world. You get the satisfaction of being loved and needed by something very cute and loveable.

Then they grow up and resent you for not having their dad around. They come out of school angry because they can't tell stories about the car their dad drives like their friends can. The beavers club they go to holds dad and son golfing days that they can't go to because if they brought you along it would again highlight how they haven't got a dad. Don't be a selfish idiot and trap a man. You can't imagine it until you have dc but you'll be hurting them before they're even born.

[nooofthenoodle]

Men can never be trapped. How many men do you know left holding the baby? I know loads of women left with little kids, some were accidents some were wanted by both parties. This society makes it too easy for men to swan off pay as little as possible and see the kid at weekends for the fun stuff. Your friend will be the one trapped, less work options less social life and less money. That baby is only 18 months it's hardly worked out unless they make it until he's 18 which doesn't sound likely. I'd give it till the kids out of nappies and see how the situation looks then.

[user1467042399]

Clearly my friends boyfriends love for the child has kept him there.

My boyfriend has a heart of gold and I know for a fact he wouldn't walk away.

[user1467042399]

I will talk with my boyfriend and see what he says.
I'm going to explain how I feel.
Really hope I don't sound like a spoilt brat,it's just all I can think about.

[OlennasWimple]

OP, when men say they don't want a baby they either mean "I never want a baby", or "I don't want a baby in these circumstances ". Often they mean "not yet", but more often, I'm afraid, they mean "not with you".

Trying to "trap" a man with a baby is a terrible idea for everyone involved. If your vary clock is ticking so loud you can't wait any longer, you need to break up with your bf and find someone on the same page as you

[Owllady]

What happened chewits?

Op, I really think your friend has been foolish :(
Talk to your dp, put your cards on the table but don't play games it's not fair on that future child (it never ends well)

[PoundingTheStreets]

Yes, a woman can trap a man but it is a spectacularly bad idea.

I'm not going to get into the debate about who responsibility lies with for contraception, nor am I going to state the obvious that the amount of women abandoned by their partners after they have children suggest that a lot of mean clearly don't feel trapped - I am going to take this on face value.

I have a colleague whose first child was planned, whose second child wasn't. He is a great dad and a steady, reliable, faithful and kind husband. He also doesn't love his wife and would leave if he didn't have children. He makes the best of it and they do quite a lot as a family because he wants his children to grow up in a stable family atmosphere. But you can't fake affection and fun and while he is not miserable, he is not happy.

It's a kind of half-life that many people I guess would feel is fine. Speaking as someone who is genuinely happy in a LTR that is affectionate and fun, I think it's a sad shadow of what he could have. And what he has is a million times better than most people in his situation, where commonplace human emotions such as bitterness and resentment manifest themselves and often lead to infidelity, indifference or cruelty and extremely poor relationship modelling to the children growing up in that family.

My friend's relationship developed naturally into the situation it is now in. You would be insane to deliberately cultivate that. Speak to your BF about why he doesn't want children, and if it is clear he will never change his mind (or not in a time scale that suits you), the only sensible thing to do is to split.

[ForestFruits12]

Chewits did you break up?

[LizzieVereker]

I'm sorry you're in pain about this OP, I can hear in the tone of your posts that you're suffering, but my honest opinion is that if you trap your boyfriend into having a child with you, you're also potentially trapping the child too, into a life where it's parents are conflicted, and where one parent doesn't want to be there. I think that's a selfish thing to do to your partner and the child, and I think you deserve happiness with someone who truly wants you.

[TheNaze73]

It can happen, a friend of mine did this, convinced him she was on the pill etc 3 years into a relationship, when she wasn't. Everyone told her she was being crazy to trap him.
She's now a single parent