Don't know what to do

[Digi]

I've been married for 15 years, for the first few years everything was fine between us but it started to turn sour when DH got into bodybuilding, he became quick tempered, ignorent, arrogent, misserable and nasty. It didn't take too long to discover that he was taking drugs, steroids and I think coke. We had a rough few years but we stayed together, I stuck by him despite his behaviour getting worse. We have a 4 year old son.

Last year things came to a head when I found out that he had been having an affair, well 2 to be exact, one of the women actually phoned me and told me herself as she said she was sick of waiting for him to do it. Again it all blew up and we were rowing constantly. He started to get physical with me too, at first it was just pushing me around but it escalated until one night he grabbed me by the throat.

At the same time I got talking to a man online, he was a typical jack the lad, he was only 26, I was 39. I didn't like him much at first, he seemed a bit of a trouble causer on the forum we used, I actually emailed him one time asking what his problem was and we somehow got talking, emails led to msn conversations which often went well into the night. He had recently split from his wife, I found him fastinating but I didn't know why. He was very flirty, very good looking but very much a "bad boy", he's been in prison and from what he said he'd had a terrible up-bringing. I started to fall for him and I gave him my phone number, he phoned it and we talked for hours on the phone. He kept hinting that he wanted to meet up, I decided to go for it, even if it was just going to be a one off, I wanted the attention etc. We arranged to meet up when I was on a business trip near where he lived, we met in a bar and we quickly decided to get a hotel room and we slept together, the next morning he said he wanted to see me again, we arranged another meeting and it went pretty much the same.

This went on for around 6 months until suddenly he never came online anymore and when I phoned him a woman answered and said I had the wrong number. I didn't hear from him for around 3 months until out of the blue I was told by one of his friends that he had been in prison but wanted to meet up as soon as he got out. It all seemed a bit unbelievable to me, I felt something wasnt quite right and I decided to just let it go. Anyway I have recieved another email from him this time asking when we can next meet up, no mention of the absense or anything.

I can't get him out of my head but at the same time I'm married with a child and I know deep down that there is something dodgy going on....but I still have that desire to be with him.

I really don't know what to do.

OK: first things first, a fling with a bloke who is in and out of prison, and chats women up online by turning aggressive... not good news. Keep yourself safe and away from him, listen to that gut feeling, especially because you've got a LO to look after and you're dealing with a marriage that's gone bad. Secondly, I've got a friend who has treated a lot of bodybuilders for addiction, not to coke, but to opiates - some of their drugs can hook them, and eventually they can wind up on heroin. Your DH's behavious sounds liek someone with a serious habit. If you think you can salvage your marriage, it may be worth trying to get him to realise he has a habit, and commit himself to kicking it. If not, then again: keep yourself and your child safe, and get out of there if you can.

LOL you sound like Kate Moss! I should keep your nose clean re prison blokey if you think one day you might leave your dh. You don't want to risk losing a custody fight one day.
Prison blokey is a fantasy, esp with the mystery of his absence, I'll bet you've built up an entire new character/history for him in your head and now you are vulnerable. I'm sure you're lonely but I think you need to sort out your marriage one way or the other and get yourself in a stronger position before taking risks like him.

its strange but when i was coming to the end of a 4 year abusive relationship i got into writing to blokes who were in prison,and when my relationship ended i got caught up in this fantasy of a relationship with one of them....i think it was something to do with me 'accepting' that i was only attracted to bad boys,but if i could turn this very,very bad boy good(something i'd failed at with xp)then everything would be ok.

in reality,though,men who are in and out of prison arent really the best kind of partner for a mother with a young child/ren,and what you really need to do is end your marriage to this abusive man then spend time on your own building up your self-esteem(i know its a cliche but its true)before you even consider meeting somebody new.

unless,of course,your dh is willing to get help for his addictions and work very hard at getting your marriage back on track.

Hear hear, there are plenty of nice men out there, they're just so nice they wouldn't dream of imposing themselves upon your radar, esp as you would probably come across as fairly vulnerable right now anyway and they'd be too nice to take advantage.