this is a part 2 but AIBU??

[deutschland83]

Some of you might remember me. I found dozens of texts, photos between my husband and a work colleague.

I forgave him with conditions, we have stayed together.

We have just returned from an amazing few days together that I arranged and took my mum a day round trip to come look after the kids.

Lots of happy chat, laughter and a good time had.

So..

I'm sitting on the couch last night and Facebook suggests a 'friend to me', claims we have mutual friends.

I couldn't think of anyone on the planet I hate more, nobody in life that has ever caused me more pain.

It turns out DH accepted a friend request from this person yesterday while we were travelling home.

I feel like I have been punched in the guts. I have no words. He knows what happened, he lived through it with me.

Am I being unreasonable as I am so sensitive to DHs behaviour??? What do I think next??

It feels like everything has been ripped apart again.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand. Is the facebook friend the person he had an affair with or someone else?

If it's someone else then who are they and why don't you get on?

No, it is a person who caused me the most immense grief in my life. Caused a rift before my beloved grandmothers funeral. Turned friends against me with lies.

I ended up on anti-depressants and in counselling due to the behaviour.

A long time ago but he knows I never want this poison back in my life.

We're they also a friend/relative of his? Or is it someone he just knew through you?

It was my best friend at the time.

So he is friends with her?
Have you checked his friends list?
If it is the case then I can see what you mean.
It must be like being betrayed all over again.
I have no idea how you get past it though.
Maybe this is your dealbreaker?

Was there ever anything between the two of them? Even friendship or a time when he took this person's side in your argument or tried to smooth things over?

Could it be that this person wants to try a rapprochement with you and is trying to go through your DH? Could DH possibly think you're 'over it'? It seems to me that men get over that type of thing easier than we do and he may not realize that the pain is still with you.

What do you do next? You ask him calmly why he's accepted this person's request and see what he says. If his explanation is unsatisfactory to you, then you calmly explain that you are not over what happened and do not want this person in a position of knowing what's going on in your life and ask him to unfriend/block them.

Yes he accepted her friend request yesterday.

I did not block her, so she came up on mine.

Nothing ever between them, no but I just don't understand why. He knows I never want to speak to her ever again. There is never and will never be anything she can say to me that fixes what she did.

He has ruined a lovely weekend.

I need to talk to him and find out what the bloody hell he thinks is ok with what he has done.

I realise Facebook is bollocks but it's the act and significance of accepting that request.

I'm not on FB, but DH is. I know there have been times he's wondered how someone (usually one of his relatives who then asks for money) got on his friends list and he's figured that he must have accepted them because he wasn't paying close attention to what he was doing.

Again, all you can do is discuss this with him calmly. Don't be angry or accusatory. Act as if you're sure it's a mistake, one that he'll be anxious to correct. Give him an 'out' rather than backing him into a corner, iyswim.

Maybe he was being nosy seeing what she was up to, or maybe he didn't think, maybe he's not the grudge holding type (not suggesting you should forgive her) so wouldn't see it as wrong automatically.

I'd say you need to speak to him before you go nuclear.

This seems to be his thing though isn't it? Messaging women on the sly regardless of the impact it has on you. He knows what the friend put you through so what reason does he have for accepting a friend request.

I think you're being a little over dramatic to be honest.

I'd talk to him about it, hopefully since not being their FB friend is no big loss to him he'll just delete them and that will be the end of it.

You have had your trust in him destroyed.

This is how it goes now. Sorry

I would feel the same as you but otoh some people accept friend requests off ANYONE, is he like that??

So we spoke. He claims he said yes to the request to find out whether or not the apology he thinks I am owed will appear. Its been 10 years, his timing is horrific and I couldn't give a monkeys about any apology.

We haven't really spoken all week, I'm livid he thought it was OK to entertain the friend request let alone accept it. If anything does come of it he knows not to utter a word of it to me.

The thought of her looking at my photos makes my skin crawl so I have suspended my account. I realise that she could have freely been doing this for years but now she has verified that she is there I don't want anything to do with it.
AF has it right (again), its dented the trust that we had got back in the last few months pretty badly. I had stopped checking the mobile phone bills but today I pulled last months (I can access them online, he doesn't know this) to check it. Normal, sane behaviour has gone again.

Sigh.

I am sorry, love x

Sounds to me as if he's been stupid and thoughtless rather than intentionally cruel and heartless. That is, if you believe his reason for accepting her request. Did you ask him to unfriend and has he?

Actually, checking the phone records of a husband that you can't trust is entirely normal sane behaviour.

I think your very strong reaction to this incident is just highlighting how far you still needs to come - how hard he still needs to work - to come back from the earlier cheating betrayal.

Step 1: "if anything does come of it.." Er - hello? Why did he not instantly block her when you raised it? And when he didn't, why didn't you tell him to? Do that.

Step 2: back to or start counselling. Don't sweep your anger under the carpet or the rot will never stop. if you can stay with him, he has a lot more work to do.

Can you just tell him you don't want any apology and ask him to delete her.

I've told him to delete and block her. I want to check he has but my sane brain is screaming at me not too.

This bloody year

Ask him if he has. He should be willing to show you b

I have checked he has blocked her I am not sure what to say about the whole thing is just the icing on a crap cake

My advice is let it lie for a bit. After you've had a chance to digest this particular event, take a look at the totality of your life and see if he really fits into what you want your life to be.

Thanks guys, lots to think about indeed