Help please 😔

[Jet0301]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and in desperate need of some help. I cannot cope with my situation anymore I haw been signed off work and can't function on a day to day basis.
Basically I was with my ex partner for 7 years and we had 2 beautiful children and were engaged. A year ago we split up, mostly from me thinking the grass was greener and not appreciating the life I had or realising how much this man meant to me. I moved out with the kids and started a new home, I desperately missed him but was too stubborn and felt I needed to make a point of some sort (what I have no idea). My ex then had an opportunity to become the landlord of a pub 4 hours away and as I made it clear there was no hope he left. Again I was devastated but kept up this front. He has been up until a month ago begging me back for a year, travelling to see me and the kids and making an effort saying we could move to him and start a new life or do long distance until we figured things out. Still I said no, I was trying to gain control still and figured we would eventually settle down. Anyway my whole came crashing down when he told me a month ago he had a new girlfriend and couldn't keep waiting for me forever. This girl works in the pub with him now and works long shifts so they are together constantly. I'm terrified he will have more kids with her or marry her and I'll be forgotten. He's told me he doesn't know what's going to happen in the future but I hurt him so much he had to move forward in his life. I have phoned texted emailed wrote letters and begged constantly for 3 weeks. I am a wreck I cannot function without this man in my life, I can't see a future without him and I want my family back. I hate myself for letting him go and the thoughts of them together are consuming my mind and making me crazy. He doesn't out anything about her on Facebook but she's always tagging him in little comments and I just feel like they care a lot for each other. Someone please help me I need this man back I can't lose him he is my soul mate xxx

You've answered your own cry for help there - you've been too stubborn and he gave up all hope.

I don't think pestering him constantly now is going to change anything. You have to be very, very honest and tell him you want to give it another go - then leave him be to think about it. You don't know what's going to happen with this new lady but you have to respect his situation. He's probably thinking you only care now because he's moved on, and I can see why he'd think that.

Does 'Figured we would eventually settle down' mean get back together, or things improve between you?

I don't think this man is your soulmate I am afraid. I think your relationship grew stale, you didn't immediately find a wonderful new life, and while you don't want him yourself you don't want anyone else to have him either. Have any of the reasons you weren't happy together changed?

I think I agree with the first reply... You have been so cold he thought you were done with him.
All you can do is be honest with him, something you should have done before really, and you also have to be honest with yourself.
You may not get him back, prepare yourself for that result mentally. Counselling or a good friend to talk to can help put stuff in perspective, but you have to honestly listen to their advice (not saying follow it necessarily, just be prepare to accept.it as advice).
Good luck, however things turn out!

I don't understand why you left in the first place?
Did you have your head turned by another person?
You can't make someone love you again.
You may well have killed his love for you with all your stubborness!?
You certainly don't NEED this man back.
You've managed perfectly without him for all this time.
You WANT him back now that he has someone else.
That's very selfish.
Let him move on. It sounds like he deserves it.
You need to move on too.

Whilst I am very sorry you are going through a rough time you really cannot expect this man to wait around forever for you.
You chose to move out with the kids.
You chose to not go back to him whilst he was "begging" for a year.
You chose to "make it clear there was no hope left".

I can understand why he moved on....why wouldn't he? You made it crystal clear you were not interested by your behaviour or stubbornness or whatever.

Yes it sucks but you can't deny him happiness. If I were him I'd be thinking you were only wanting him back as he's now unavailable to you. Mind games are a terrible thing to do to someone. You didn't give any indication to him in a year that you were interested in salvaging a relationship.
Don't do the pick me dance. You can function without him in your life, you've been doing it for a year. Let him be happy. In time you will find your happiness too.

I am truly sorry but you can't just decide you want him back when he's with someone else. I really do hope your situation improves.

Thank you everyone for your replies. There was fault on both parts as to why we initially split. We both got caught up in life and business's and just forgot to make the effort. I also got very bitter I was at home with the kids when I thought I wanted a career when now looking back I had everything I wanted. I have told him I enter him back and would make changes and do whatever I could to make it work. All he said is that he can't see it working because we live different lives now. I don't care about they thought because I'd make it work no matter what. He did say he feels like I'm saying this because he moved on, which I do understand completely. I just think that has given me a kick up the backside to realise I had all along what I wanted and now I fear it's too late. I just don't want to lose him, I feel so helpless and I need to make this work for my kids sake aswll xx

But you didn't have everything you wanted, as you were unhappy enough to leave. Maybe hindsight has told you that you should have been happy with what you had, but that is different.

You may feel you NEED to make this work.
But as I said, you can't make him love you again.
He has moved on and you need to as well.
Let him be.
If it's meant to be, then it will be, just not yet!

You don't want him back. You want the life that you now realised wasn't so bad and "green" enough. You had chance after chance to be honest and /or try to reconcile or at least give it another chance. Why is it that only now he moved on you suddenly can't live without him? If he didn't have a gf how long would you have left him waiting and pining for you. Sounds like this is more ebout you ego,than anything. You wanted to be in control and everything was fine while you had it and now you've lost it. He moved on and you need to move on as well. In the nicest way... Suck it up buttercup

Well you're annoyed because he's no longer dancing to your tune-he's found someone he thinks may make him happy my dear! Pity you no longer can. He sounds like hes woken up tbh, by saying you've both basically moved on hes gently trying to tell you that you've got no chance.And please don't try to use the kids in all of this.

Hindsight is a curse gift that we all possess, but it's our lack of foresight that causes most of our problems.

Were you so complacent that you thought he'd dance attendance on you forever while you spurned his advances? If so, you need to learn that playing power games inevitably results in a winner and, if you make gross errors of judgement, it won't always be you that emerges victorious.

The more you beg and plead at this point in time while he's loved up with the new woman in his life, the more chance there is he won''t believe that your uncannily coincidental realisation of what he means to you is genuine and if you keep it up he'll grow to despise you for the manipulative drama queen he'll believe you to be.

Let him go with good grace; wish him all the happiness in the world, be welcoming but not overly so when he calls to see/collect the dc and, as Montane has advised, DON'T be tempted to use them as a means of emotionally blackmailing or guilt-tripping him into reconciliation with you otherwise you'll soon grow tired of him again and will look for more means of relieving your boredom.

If you truly love and care for him, you'll put your fears aside and put your trust in the universe to act for the greater good of all concerned.

Whatever will be, will be and, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen without any scheming, plotting, weeping, or wailing on your part.

Is he your children's dad?

we had 2 beautiful children and were engaged

That appears to be the case, Lunar, and the OP and her ex fiance were together until she developed a 7 year itch he couldn't scratch.

If you love him let him go and wish him happiness.

If you want to fix it for your children, then do so. Stop harassing him and work to create a healthy co-parenting arrangement.

Finally work on yourself, because I think that you're mixing up neediness, fear of change etc with love (which is fine, because I think it's human and an element of a long term relationships).

I'm not sure what else you expected him to do, keep trying to get you to change your mind forever?
It seems you've only changed your tune now he's involved with someone else.
I'm afraid I have little sympathy op, you played the game and he's no longer interested.
I hope you can move on too.

I think you need to grow up.

Life is rarely greener anywhere. You are now looking back and forgetting the things that made you leave in the first place. If you had gone back you'd have got fed up again pretty quickly and then where would you have been?

The worst thing you could do is to build up your life together into some perfect idyll that nothing else can live up to. The only way is on. Remember change doesn't necessarily solve all your problems, you often take most of them with you.

Spend some time sorting out what you want, take risks and go for the best. Also take long hard looks at yourself and see how you can improve. Finally don't listen to people who say you should settle.

soooooo...... you left his bloke and basically now expect him to pine over you forever?

Agree. Time to grow up, stop playing mind games, pretend games and deal with the reality that's right in front of your nose.
If you're smart, you'll learn from this experience and begin to build a life for yourself that isn't dependent on someone else or something else.
Fantasies are just that you know, make-believe that's entertaining and takes your mind of things temporarily.

You don't want to lose him? You already did that when you left him and had him begging for you to go back for 11 months. You pretty much put him through 11 months of hell and hurt because you felt like it and now he's finally came to his senses and moved on you're demanding he come back to you? Why on earth would he? Grow up and stop being so selfish.