Really confused...

[Beccacats1991]

I'll explain my whole story -

I met my current partner online on plenty of fish 2 years ago. In the beginning I feel this is where the problems started-

His ex began to message me and began to stop my partner from seeing his little boy unless he split up with me :/ which he did a few times and then he told her that I don't mean anything to him which obviously upset me and made me cross. In the beginning I was really fun loving, bubbley and full of confidence but his ex has always been giving me abuse saying I intimidate her and stuff when I've never ever spoken to her or been around her...I tried to talk to him about how upset I was about the fact he told her I didn't mean anything to him and he said I need to get over it because his son comes first not me so I thought nothing of it but every time we argue now he threatens to leave me, grab a hold of my wrists and sometimes pushes me around and has even bruised me all over my legs and all over my arms.

I thought to myself after all this bad treatment I will check if he is cheating on me so I went through his phone (my bad) and found nothing but then I went into his history and he was searching for brothels :,( I asked him about this and he shouted at me and grabbed hold of me and shook me violently and said that he only searched that so he didn't park in an area where there was one as a truck driver and works away and he's only home 2 nights a week which obviously upset me...

He also also given me as STD/STI which is HPV and I don't know how or why really. He lied to me about how many sexually partners he had because he felt it was non of my business which is fine but it's the actually lying which I don't like.

But also every time I question something he threatens to leave me, threatens to hit me or actually does put his hands on me but I know he's sorry for that but I'm just so confused and don't know where I stand :,( to be honest I feel like a housewife who he comes home to and I do everything for him like a slave and if it's not done properly I get shouted at but I also work part time but he under minds me saying I only work 4 hours a day so I can't be that tired...

Another thing is my dad died last year and it's totally messed my head up and 2months after it happened I was still devasted and I will never get over it but he asked me why I was upset 2months after my dad passed and I told him why and he said 'you need to get over it' in a nasty way and went on to say that he was over his grandma and grandad dying the same week my dad did....

Now I'm at a loss and feel very confused he's ending the relationship with me on a daily basis and listen to this after a few hours of a few days with no contact he will ring me like nothing has happened like 'hey babe u ok' and I'll say something like no you broke up with me and he will say 'well you need to move on from it and stop living in the past' I remember one time when I asked him what he thought of me and he said 'well your not the best really' and I asked him what he meant and he said 'your like a pair of jeans with holes in not the best but you'll do' which broke my heart and I still can't get over it :,( also when we got engaged it wasn't very good and I have to lie when people ask me how he did it... I kept talking about getting married cos I'm an old romantic which he was getting angry about and violent...one day he took me to a jewellery shop to buy a new necklace cos mine broke and I picked a ring instead a cheap one bearing in mind and I didn't really like it but was thinking about and later on we went out which I paid for for a pub meal and I was talking about weddings again as my mum just got married and he got cross in the pub and started raising his voice and it was embarrassing :,( after it went quiet he said pass me the ring so I can look at it and he twiddled with it in his fingers twisting it around and he said 'I don't know if I really want to do this but do u want to get married' no hand on one foot or kneeling down and I felt devastated that he just proposed to me like I was a peice of crap :,( and he's been treating me v

:,( he has made me feel so insecure and depressed that I don't know if he wants to be with me or he is staying just for now. He's breaking up and coming back regular and I'm so scared that I'm going to end up homeless with my daughter :,(

Yeah rented and both our names
But I can't afford to live here on my own on the wage that I earn and they do not accept dss here.

you can claim housing benefit top up or find somewhere else to live. There is nothing stopping you. Call WA, they will take you to a refuge and help you find suitable housing for you and your daughter.

Becca - all posters are on your side! We are appalled at the conditions you are living with, the abuse you put up with.

Please phone Womens Aid. They will help, with practical and legal advice. You do NOT have to put up with this.

Thank you everybody. I just needed to know that it isn't my fault u know :(

Becca I shouldn't think you are large and ugly at all and even if you were you are still a human being who deserves to be treated with respect.

You are living in an abusive home and no doubt your partner is telling you that you're large and ugly and no man will ever look at you and you're lucky to have him blah blah because that's what abusers do. Belittle and humiliate and with the odd shove and arm twisting thrown in for good measure.

This is not going to stop if anything it will probably escalate until one day it's a black eye or a split lip or much worse. Domestic violence doesn't start on the first date, it usually creeps up until the victim is a bloody mess and can't see what a life of hell she/he is living.

There is something you can do about this.

JUST DO IT. Get bloody angry and light the blue touch paper!!

He's violent, unstable and gave you and STD - why are you still with him? You can do better.

I gave up reading after the HPV and him being physically abusive/threatening it.

Its pretty obvious the guy is a cunt and you know you need to leave him.

You know this isn't acceptable and you deserve better

It is confusing because he is inconsistent. Sometimes he's nice and sometimes he's cruel. Think about it logically, if you had met him and he had grabbed you / hit you / called you names straight away, you would have left. But to get you to stay, he was nice to you, he made you love him and then he started being horrible.

Also, can you remember when your dd was a baby? Were you sleep deprived? Did the whole world seem a bit worse because you were exhausted? Because that's what's happening now - you're spending a lot of time doing everything (using physical energy) and trying to anticipate his mood, negotiate a good day or night with him and generally worrying about what he's up to (using your emotional and mental energy). You're too exhausted to think straight, which works in his favour.

There are a few things I would like to point out.
1- You're Dd will know. She will see that you're nervous or unhappy. She will have spotted your bruises.
2- The ONLY acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.
3- If I walked up to you in the street, told you that you were crap and hit you, you'd have me arrested (and rightly so). You wouldn't take it from me, you shouldn't take it from him.
4- You're worth more. You would not be a better / more valuable person if you were 22 years old, a size 8 and earned £1million a year. That is not how you value people. (I am fat. DH doesn't use that as a way to make me feel like crap).
5- The way he treats you reflects on HIM not you! People on the outside looking in are not wondering why he's with you / thinking he could do better. They are seeing a nice women wasting time on a bastard and hoping that you'll get out soon.

If you're in any doubt, read the sticky thread at the top of the relationships board.

Also, read some threads on there too. There are lots of women who post threads like yours. No one ever replies 'oh yes, it's all you, you should stay there and try harder.' More often than not, the replies are from women who have been there, struggled and eventually left and use their experience to point you towards agencies that can help.

I hope some of this sinks in OP

we could be twins, so uncanny even to the HPV, you need to end this relationship, please, you deserve to be safe, happy and loved, this is not love . Well said ptumbi

LTB

Thank you so much I can see things much clearly now xx

I don't think I've ever said this, but LTB.

Run, run as fast as you can NOW. It will only get worse and worse.

And Becca, NONE OF THIS is your fault. You just need to see a little more clearly. Contact Womens Aid and get some help. Please.

I can't help but feel like your all against me rather than for me but I guess that's the way I feel right now and what did I expect you all to say really :,(

I know it doesn't feel like it, but everyone who has posted on this thread is for you. It is because we are for you that we want you to get out. We can see how unhappy you are and how much risk you are in. We see something valuable in you and we want you to enjoy life and to feel confident and happy and to be safe. And this is never going to happen with this man.

What would you say if a friend, or sister, or your DD as an adult, came to you with this problem? You would help her leave... and you know why? Because you are for her.

But my daughter isn't ugly or large like I am.

Firstly I bet you aren't anywhere near as ugly or large as you think you are. This is what abusive men do. They make you think you are fat and ugly and unloveable so that you stay.

Secondly, if your DD did grow up to be fat and ugly you would still tell her to leave in this situation because you value her for who she is as a person, not what she looks like. And in time, away from him, when your confidence grows you will value yourself too.

Finally, I left an abusive man who treated me very similar to this. He made me feel fat and ugly and as though I would never have any other relationship with anyone who loved me. But you know what? Once I had taken some time to heal my wounds I had time being single and being happy - something I never thought I would feel. Then I met a truly wonderful gorgeous man who loves me and fancies me just the way I am - even though I am a larger lady and no oil painting!

The future for you is bright. Throughout your post it is clear that you are bright and kind. Life without this man will hold way more than you ever think possible.

DeathStare what you have said is to true and it happened to fat old ugly me too, only the the man that thought I was gorgeous isn't around anymore for various reasons but that's neither here nor there because what is important is that this distorted view I had of myself was only because my ex ground it into me. Becca are you listening? You are worth so much moooorrreeee xx

Please leave this man. Nobody deserves this even if they had ten heads.
I was with an abusive man used to poke my belly tell me I was fat and I believed him .. I was a size 8 but eventually I went to a size 4 I really believed I was ugly. I can tell you now I am not ugly and it wasn't to I got out of there went out and realised men were interested and fancied me.
He beat me pulled my hair back into house if I tried to walk away.. he called me a stupid cunt everyday.
He would turn tears on telling me please don't leave nobody will love me like he does.
I took this abuse believed every word because why would he lie?? Well it was to knock my self esteem to make me stay cos nobody would look at me.
I got pregnant, and it wasn't to my child was born I ended it because I knew what true love was and my job was to be strong and protect my baby not be a nervous wreck a shadow of a person that he made me.. my child deserved me to be the best I could be. So does you daughter and you can't be the best with that piece of shit grinding you down. You sound exactly like I did.
You only think you love him you are unloved with the idea and clingy g to every good moment. The bad far outweigh the good. Start writing the bad things Versus the good.
I'm now married to a man back then I never thought would give me a second glance.
I've rambled on but it's because this has hit a nerve I hate seeing women treated this way.
Please leave

Do the Freedom Programme

Find a Freedom Programme course near you.

I stopped reading as soon as you said he was violent towards you.

You need to leave this man. there is literally nothing you could ever had done that would justify him being violent towards you.

you deserve someone who cherishes you, not beats you.

YY to Freedom Programme, really helps.

Becca, he's absorbing all your resources and keeping you off centre and doubting yourself. I have a strong feeling that all this abuse has also stopped you being able to grieve your father and you will need the space and safety for that at some point, for your well-being.

Really am so sorry you are going through this.