We have cancelled the snip!!

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

After much debate and discussion I told DH just to cancel it as he's just too wound up about it.

We don't want any more kids, I certainly don't and I offered to be sterilised but he doesn't want that either. He says that the knowledge that we can still reproduce if we want to is a big psychological thing for him, especially if (heaven forbid) something happened to the kids. I accept this.

But then things seem to get all contradictory. What I can't understand is how much he goes on about how important the kids are to him and how spending quality time with them is the most important thing but he never actually walks his talk. He is a great dad but he works long hours, sometimes more at home and at weekends and is often away abroad. He has now been requested to attend a meeting which will mean that he misses DS's birthday. He's already missed DD's birthday for the same reasons. There are other milestones he has missed and I just don't get it!!! Could someone please help me understand what is going on in his head. I feel like we all come second best. There is never a time when I feel he puts us before his work, ever. I can put up with the long hours and him working away but he never compromises. Every family holiday we have had has been interupted with him taking a work call.

Sometimes work just has to come first - and it's really hard for blokes to stand up to this pressure.

Have you told him how you feel about this? has he had a chance to explain?

He may very well feel really torn. But sometimes there are 'requests' that you simply can't refuse, especially if you're concerned about your career/career development.

Unfortunately some careers do require you to be on call 24/7 and a kids birthday is not a good enough excuse to miss an important meeting. Alot of jobs are very competitive and if you don't take the call a colleague will and the deal is theirs. It is hurtful to feel you come second to the job but it is something you have to accept in an ambitious husband.

I assume he is well remunerated for his job? That's the trade off aswell at the end of the day.

yes indeed i agree with dassie.

you have a quality of life decision to make.

your dh is still a chicken

He's well enough paid but we could get by on less. He keeps saying he'll float his CV about because he doesn't want to work where he is for the rest of his life and he would prefer to work somewhere where there is less travel and to live out of the city where we would have the outdoor life we both adore. Has he done anything? - No. It is me who has started sorting out his CV and getting together a list of agencies. He can however spend masses of time sufing the web for nothing in particular.

On another thread someone quoted "if he worked less hours, was home more and got paid less I wouldn't mind but DH would". This sums us up exactly, he won't give up the status. We had big heart to hearts about it before but he always reverts to form despite saying he'll work less. His inability to say no comes from his own personal insecurities BTW not because he'd get the push for lack of commitment to the job. Makes me feel resentful when I should be supportive.

I don't know what he does but I understand the personal insecurities point.

my dh works late and I know he would rather be home earlier and spend more time as a family but I also knew when we got married that he is career focussed. he can't give it up and he would be unhappy in a less demanding job.

I hope it will change once we have our baby in a few months but deep down I know it won't. It does depress me sometimes feeling second best but I know that in his mind part of the reason he does the job is for us and to give us a good quality of life.

If he has always been like this then you may just have to accept he falls in the 'workaholic' category. I don't know how long he has been working but the more senior he gets the less demanding the job will be and the more control he will have.

Unfortunately the more senior he gets, the more demanding the job will be.

I wish I could just accept it. Note to self - be more tolerant

This is something I struggle with aswell. You just have to remember that whilst you might not feel it - you and the kids are top of his list. My dh often says that it is thinking of me and the baby that keeps him going when he is really busy at work.

Getting upset about it is fine too! We got called back from a 2 week holiday of a lifetime after 3 days for his job. I nearly walked out on him then because I was so angry but once I calmed down I realised that he was just as upset as me (well maybe a little less!).

Suggest you go somewhere remote for your next holiday - there is nothing he can do if he doesn't have reception!

I would guess the terror of not being able to provide for the family (ie what he sees as his masculinity) is just stronger than his willpower and dreams of more family time. I know you probably deserve a break yourself but you need to help him get the confidence to go for a 'fun' job. Do you work at all?

I'm a full-time parent.

Here's how exciting our night has been. Since putting the kids to bed at 7.30 he disappeared up to PC and did some work then surfed the net to look at new cars. I sat downstairs reading the Sunday papers. Finally decided to go to my bed and read my book just as he was coming back down the stairs. Great life huh!

Have you tried a 'date' night? My dh and I set aside an evening a week (Wednesdays) where we make the effort to spend time together, be that a nicely cooked meal, takeaway or DVD. Any non-work chores are left to other nights.

If he really has to work late then we agree another night that week. It works well because he does make the effort to be around and we can have a good chat!

My dh is really happy in his job and would never be able to change and I would never ask him to. If your dh is thinking about a change a bit if subtle encouragement could be called for. With the hours he works he probably feels he doesn't have the time to look for a new job.

so vgs, your life is pants what are you going to do?

Was just thinking that maybe if you had a plan to get some part time work it might take the pressure off him. I'm a SAHM too but have promised DH that I'll get part time work when our youngest starts school but it all depends on him getting a nearer job so I can have the car. Hoping this 3yr plan will get him actively looking for a new job in town instead of an hour away. He's not passionate about his job but I think it's the responsibility of our family (and consequent fear of failure) that keeps him there.

Me working???? Wouldn't suit either of us TBH. He prefers if I don't work coz then there are no issues with child care. I have no-one to help look after the kids. Also, I don't actually want to go back to work as I don't think it would make life any easier and I don't have a deep need to work (and thankfully we can afford for me not to). The issue is, I think, that I would just like some more companionship from DH.

So to answer your question Custy - I haven't a damn clue. No matter what I do to gee things on, I feel like I'm sometimes flinging all the effort down a big black hole.

Yesterday, to help him in his search for a new job, I started sorting out his CV and getting together a list of agencies to send it to. I figured out how to fix the doorbell which he promptly unfixed and then went in a mood coz he couldn't fix it again. Offered to make me a cup of tea and then asked if I could get the teabags and sugar out the cupboard despite him standing right next to afformentioned cupboard and me being at the other end of the room. This indirect bullying is what he does if he can't get something sorted out. Another example, after getting a roasting on his last jaunt abroad, he took his frustration out on the poor air stewardess and generally acted like a total knob.

I make him sound like an ogre, he's not and he's a loving, doting dad but everytime I take the initiative to sort out any issues in an adult way, any decision we come to is out the window a couple of days later because he's had a hard time. I've been married before, I do not want to split up, I love him and life would be much worse without him but I feel rather trapped just now. So I'm just going to ride out the storm until the kids are off my hands a bit and then start doing some things for myself.