Married to a man but think I might be bisexual

[heartshapedlawn]

I am in my 40s and have been married to DH for over 10 years. I would describe our sex life as being adequate. It isn't earth-shattering or amazing, but it's ok. Until quite recently, I had never had any thoughts about being with a woman. About 2 years ago I found that I was becoming curious about the possibility of it and began reading erotic fiction with that theme. I thought this may be a passing phase, but the feelings have actually become stronger over time. I have had fantasies about women while being intimate with DH. If anyone is wondering, I am not planning to run off and have an affair with a woman behind DH's back. If he gave me his blessing I think I would like to have a one-off experience though. Should I tell him? Has anyone discovered similar feelings later on in life and if so did you act on them at all?

Oh! prosecco I meant to finish by saying that. Did I forget? My apologies.

erm, I don't think I said you had or hadn't.

You're not alone OP! I guess it depends on your relationship with your OH and how much you share/talk to each other. If you feel comfortable bringing it up then do. It's also not just about you wanting sex, it's about you discovering a part of yourself that you didn't know was there and that can be confusing/frightening but also lots of fun. You shouldn't have to go through it alone so sharing your feelings could be a good thing to help you talk it through/come to terms with it. He may be open to a threesome, he may be open to you meeting a woman, or maybe you will find other ways to meet your needs I.e porn or whatever you decide between you. Talking with your husband shouldn't mean you're going to run off and have Sex with a woman. You're entitled to talk about your feelings

[confuded] indeed! Never mind. T'is a forum and such things happen

But... For some people exploring their sexuality or having a strong relationship aren't mutually exclusive. If she's never had this conversation before how will she know? Nobody's right or wrong as long as everybody in the relationship is on the same page

If you try it and love it - then what ?

You dump him and move on ?

Hi OP,

I know so many women, some in RL and some online, who have told the same story, so you're not alone. I had a similar situation (not exactly the same but close). I think if those feelings have been building up over 2 years then it's an indication of how it's probably not going to go away. I know many women who've tried to repress it but that's often caused a lot of stress and pain. There's more than one way to live though, and as long as you care a lot about DH, you may find a way through this.

DM me if you want more info on how I dealt with a similar situation. Not putting it all on here for obvious reasons x

Hi

Have just been through this very thing this year. To be honest I was more questioning if I was lesbian as I am predominantly same-sex attracted and really identified more as gay than straight until I was in my early 20's (was a spectacularly bad lesbian though, as I was always falling in love with unavailable women and completely incapable of securing much intimacy with people I didn't know well, so it was a bit of a damp squib).

Anyway, if you're questioning you NEED to know about Lisa Diamond:

Many many women transition sexual orientation identity over the course of their lifetimes. It's actually more normal among broadly same-sex identified individuals than it is not.

I don't label myself anymore but I think it was just a great relief to me to realise that being a "lesbian who just met this one great guy" was a thing and that having same sex attractions doesn't mean that I can't have a happy and sexually fulfilling relationship with this "one great guy". Your attractions don't need to govern your behaviour if you are otherwise happy and fulfilled in your life, and if you're not, then the sexual orientation isn't the primary issue, it might be more about the end of your time with this person. I embrace my same sex attractions now and if I end up thinking of a woman when being intimate, that's not something I suppress or shame myself about or worry about more than anyone here imagining David Cameron or Jeremy Corbyn in the throes of passion (this seems absurd to me but I've seen it pop up on many threads!).

I wouldn't do a one time thing though. I have no interest in that. I would happily have a loving and sexual relationship with another woman if I no longer felt my marriage was working, though. This seems to be normal enough as a pattern.

Well, so what?

If and when you are next single, you may choose to embark upon a relationship with a woman.

While you are married, it doesn't matter whether you fancy just men or men and also women, because you are married.

Do you have to experience it tho? I feel ok with a sense of being somehow bi but not having had a sexual experience w a woman. That just hasn't arisen for me I've been in relationships with men and am now married to a man. I'm attracted to both genders but I'm married now and fidelity is part of that for me. The occasional tweak of last for another man or woman is neither here nor there.

Also I wouldn't be too worried about fantasies. Just cos you fantasise about something doesn't mean ghats something you actually want to do in rl. Often quite the opposite

I have to disagree that it doesn't matter. It matters as much as it matters to an individual person in a particular context based on their history and current circumstances. For me it matters on a personal level quite a lot because of certain elements of my history and how my sexuality played into these eg certain negative beliefs about myself that pooled in that part of my identity based on experiences of violence and rejection. I don't expect it to matter to others but I would say given what's known about sexual fluidity and poins of transition that it isn't exactly entirely the same as just being attracted to another man and for some there are specific identity issues that may need to be explored... And that may mean the end of a marriage and adopting a new life

What are you reading OP? I'm half way through The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters, not quite as good as the others but you may like it (if you prefer the more tasteful gay-lady read!)

To throw in my 50p, I honestly don't think you will be satisfied by a one off experience. It's such an intense thing, you will either be immediately put off or hooked. That's not to say you should galavant away from your DH, but I suspect your curiosity is a bit deeper than a passing phase. Both a scary and exciting thing. Has someone caught your eye and inspired these feelings? the first time I was attracted to a woman was a shock to put it mildly. Just the slightest of arm-touches, or being sat close, or catching their eye and getting 'that feeling'. I do envy you a bit as I haven't had that in a long time!

How is the whole fancying women with the husband?