I think I've really done it this time. After a weekend of niggly rows with DH we had a major blow-up last night half way through Waking the Dead - strangely enough it was about the nature of truth - I said it was relative he said it wasn't - no big deal and the kind of argument we've had a million times and never come to blows (metaphorical only). This time it seemed to blow up to full hurricane force almost instantly and at one point DH whacked his head with his hand and said 'duh!!' at me.... call me old-fashioned if you wish but as a debating technique that sucks! So I'm afraid I lost it totally - I said a lot of very nasty things (and so did he) including the fact that I am seriously resentful about the fact that he's a trained teacher but has yet, 11 years down the line, to work as a teacher.... which is why we are still broke and I still have to struggle to find childcare over the school hols. The fact that I am almost totally in charge of the kids as I work part-time( and still earn slightly more than he does). I also said at one point that I hated him sometimes - which is true but a terrible thing to say.I went to bed with the words that the kids and I would do as well without him . he gave almost as good as he got but as he (IMO) doesnt have nearly as much amunition, it wasn't quite so horrible.
He slept on the sofa and this morning got up at 5.30 to go to a funeral in Barking (long journey from Somerset) picking up his mother and sister on the way. We gave each other a stiff sort of hug as he left and I apologised but then wished I hadn't because I didn't say anything that wasn't true and hadn't been bugging me for ages, although the way I said it was not acceptable perhaps.
So what do I do now? I don't really want him to leave but things have to change. I feel like a skivvy TBH and it seems the more I do for him the more he takes it for granted and expects it. I'm afraid that he'll come back and either we'll row again or it will be back to things as they are. I'm so tired and worn down atm that I can't face any more huge rows. And part of me wonders if my resentment isn't at the situation I'm in isn't what I expected and it's as much my fault as his - dashed expectations rather than inadequate DH. Maybe it's me, not him iyswim.
I'm at work, plastered in make-up to hide the blotchy eyes and dreading DH coming home.