My relationship sucks, and im in need of taking a stand - but need some advice first......

[Cholija]

My dp is a very lazy, selfish to say the least and has lied to me repeatedly, his mum has a long history of depression problems and he is getting the same, he is on anti-depressants and he frequently forgets to order his repeat prescription, and so goes without them for a few days sometimes even a week or two, and this makes him almost psychotic and enraged about everything all the time, he is unbearable to live with as he has done it again and we are currently enduring yet another bout of his lunacy, i have said to him many times before, he has to sort himself out, but he doesnt, he hurled abuse at our poor kids this morning because they got up very early and wrecked there room (they are 4 and 6 and share a room) they were very naughty but dp never let it go and ranted on at them for over half an hour even when they were trying to eat there breakfast I know from many past experinces that if i ask him to go stay at his mums for a few days until he wont go, i have asked him nicely and i have told him, as we need some real space right now, he wont go i know he wont, so im thinking of telling him now while he is at work that, i have packed him some stuff and he is going to stay at his mums and dads and the door will be locked when he gets home tonight! is this the right thing to do? is this the right way to deal with this do you think? or am i wrong to lock him out and give him no choices? please help, i cant see whats right or wrong anymore....

Doesn't sound like you have much of a chice Are you planning on splitting up?

I don't know much about depressiion and AD's. But I imagine not taking them for a while defeats the whole object of the thing..iyswim.

How is he when he is taking them regularly?

Sorry for my bad spelling. Will he be angry if you lock him out? Like, angry as in scarily angry?

He will be very very abgry but not dangerous angry, and he is alot better when he is on his anti-d's but never great, i have decided regardless of my feelings towards him that it is best if i stay with him for my kids, my parents split up when i was young and i found it very hard, i dont want to do that to my kids, but that doesnt mean im not going to put my foot down occasionally with him, and right now i really need a break from him (and him from me probably) i just need some guidance as to wether locking him out is the right way to go, giving him options doesnt work is there anything else i can do?

I don't think that it is best that you stay with him for the kids, not if he's going mad at them as well.
My own father was a nutter and the happiest day in family life was when my mum finally left him.

Is his mum aware of what he is like? Perhaps she could talk to him too. If locking him out is your only option it sounds like for the sake of your own sanity atm that you will have to do it.

maybe leave him a letter outside too, telling him how he makes you feel and how he is damaging your children by acting like this. Because he is damaging them, and I hate to say it, but perahps splitting up if he cant change his ways be be less damaging for them in the long run.

I'm not saying you should split up, but perhaps you should consider it as an option?

cholija

my dh suffers severe depression and every time he has a "relapse" he packs his own stuff and goes to his mothers'! this time he's been gone since end of october and no sign of a return yet.

is he having any addtional treatment to the ADs? will your gp refer him for psychiatric treatment?

i understand why you want to stay together for the children but if his mood swings are upsetting for them it may actually be better for them to live apart. also, you are their mummy need to be happy long term too.

believe me, i know how hard these decisions are. i haven't made a decision yet, dh is into his 2nd psychiatrist after 6 months without any counselling, but is only about to have 2nd session. i'm waiting to see if there is an improvement over the next month or so.

if there isn't then i will have to make the decision to move on. i don't want dd (15 months) to really start to realise when he is here and when he isn't and i don't want to be a married single parent indefinately.

i should say he's only spent about 5 months in the last 18 months at home.

sorry, i'm not much help really. just wanted to say i understand how hard this situation must be for you.

Thanks everyone i have to say for the record he isnt really a depressive in a sad sense, he is a depressive in a angry sense, and altho the gp has tried to refer him to see a counsellor/physchiatrist he wont go, he is convinced it is me and im some secret pyshco thats out to ruin his life, im tired of it all and i have told him i want to leave him before and he has soobed heartily and said he loves me and cant live without me and i cant go as he doesnt know what he'll do with out me, i dont know how to deal with all that emotional 'cornering' and so we carry on as we are - at the mercy of his temper tantrums! right now i wish aliens would beam him up and take him to live on mars!!!

But i'll settle for him going to stay at his mum for at least a few days!

Similar for me - dp and I don't live together, he's bipolar and massively variable. I think basically it's over as whether or not it's his "fault" that he's like that, my life and dd's is pretty rubbish when I end up concentrating all my efforts on him and not looking after us - alhtough I'd rather her have her mum and dad together, actually when he's not here we have a much better time in many ways.

I can't know how your dp will react - could you let him come home and have the discussion tonight and ask him to arrange to go to his mum's? This could be part of a wider discussion about managing his AD's better - is there anything that you could agree to do about this?

I also agree that it's really bad for your kids to be involved in this.

Good luck. It's a horrible situation to be in, and easy to feel that you're the only person as well - I don't know anyone in RL in same situation.

Thanku!! i really appreciate your help girls! it would probably be best to let him home and talk but im so so tired of talking to him it never gets us ANYWHERE. i need to give all this some thought.

Hi Cholija - how did you get on? Maybe you don't need to have a conversation, but just to give him warning / an ultimatum? You would probably need to be fairly strong in just repeating your message and not getting into a debate though. Hope you're okay.

While I appreciate that there's a grey area over how much responsiblity someone with mental health problems can be said to have for themseves, you and your DCs matter just as much as your partner. It's not that good for kids to grow up seeing one member of the family as the one who always has to be looked after and put first, no matter how unreasonable that person's behaviour is.

If this man is shouting at and verbally abusing you and the children, you need some time without his presence. Can you and the kids go and stay with someone for a couple of nights, leaving him a note explaining that he needs to sort himself out?

I have to say, the day my mum finally kicked my abusive father out saved my life.
Sorry if it's hard to hear but staying with your DP for the wrong reasons could have the opposite affect on your LO's than you are hoping for.

Children learn about life/relationships etc by watching and experiencing, what they see at home is what they learn about life. Hard as it is, what may be best for you, may not be best for the children.

If your DP truly gets help you will know if there is a chance you and your LO's can have a safe, loving and secure home. Of course it's better for mum and dad to stay together, but not at the expense of fucking up the kids.

Please don't think I'm being harsh or judgmental, I'm honestly not, it's just that seeing that life through the eyes of a child makes you quite blunt. You sound like a loving and caring mum and you will do what's best.