Signed off with stress: how do you juggle everything?

[ludolooby]

After weeks of going to the doctor with endless health issues, he has said that my symptoms are somewhat 'eratic' after completing blood tests. He now says that he believes my symptoms are down to 'severe stress' and has given me a sicknote.
I have a toddler and I'm a part-time teacher; we have been having issues lately with a parent who has been causing us a lot of stress, which has put pressure on our relationship and we are currently trying to do some work on our house to make it saleable.
Thing is, I know plenty of women that get by whilst being busy who work full-time and have more DCS; why am I not coping?
I take on a lot more responsibility than DH in terms of planning and organising things: Getting workmen in, making phone calls, organising trips, nights away for us when work is being completed and I'm wondering if this is the problem? That I have no head space and I'm buckling under the amount I have to think about?
Weekends are spent cleaning, food shopping, seeing family members, going on family trips to different places, but isn't everyone as busy as this?
I guess I'm asking how other women juggle everything and if there's a way to make things a little easier on myself? Does DH need to take on more responsibility? After talking to my sister about my 'stress' yesterday, she asked "what do you do for fun?" I couldn't answer the question. DH still has his fun as he has a few hobbies, he would never stop me having mine but it seems theres never time and when there is, I feel too mentally frazzled to do anything. Any positive advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I've been under a lot of stress at work in the past, but didn't go off sick. I think I should have done with the way I felt.

Juggling kids and work is very trying TBH.

You teachers do a great job with kids and I applaud you for having the patience.

Schedule some time for yourself to relax. Even if it's once a fortnight. A pamper session or fit in a hobby.

Bring in a babysitter if you can't depend on your DH to be home on time.

There has been a lot of mental stress going on on top of the practical to be fair... as a poster pointed out on the previous page... I wanted to say "all of the above!"

Had a few relationship problems over recent months, linked to problematic PIL, a few health worries and getting DH to help me get the house on the market (something he seems reluctant to do as he dislikes change.) He openly admits that moving house will be good for us but he fears the change. That basically means it's all on my shoulders until we're actually moved... sigh. Im going to speak to him this week about taking on more responsibility as an equal adult in this marriage.

Listen to what your subconscious is telling you.

Your life sounds stressful and a key problem ImO is your H not pulling his weight.

Can you seek therapeutic counselling and help from your GP? Life coaching might not help if you are depressed/anxious. Being fit for work is really important.

You need to do what the other posters are saying. Take control and tell your husband what you're doing, then, Internet food shopping, a cleaner and a gardener assuming the budget will stretch to it. De cluttering is very therapeutic too,you feel a lot more in control when that's sorted. Your health is vitally important and the saying "happy wife, happy life" is spot on. Been there done that myself and you need to put yourself first which will mean telling him NO and doing things the way you need them done rather than the way he wants them done. Oh, and some women are just superwomen, so try not to beat yourself up about it too much.

As per usual, it's because you are married to a selfish unequal self gratifying arsehole, what man sits back and says what he says when his wife is suffering from stress and signed off work, it beggars belief, you are stressed OP cos you've been carrying his lazy arse for years.

From today, you employ a cleaner, you order your food online and you ask him to help out!

I hate men like this, so bloody self entitled, can he not see you are struggling, so much for having your back!

My dh has a very demanding full time job. Long hours, global business, projects worth millions to billions.

He still pulls his weight parenting Ds. We are careful to give each other free time. He'll take ds out while I do stuff or I'll wrangle him while he games online.

You need to have some headspace- you will break without it. What you do in that time is up to you but tot up how much he spends a week on his hobbies/chilling and that's how much time you have to carve out.

We look at it this way: when dh os commuting or working, and I'm looking after ds, that's 1FTE (full time equivalent.) All other time is split. Mornings, evenings, nights - if he's at work you do childcare. If he's not at work it's 50:50.
Put this to him. What does he say? The response will tell you all you need to know. He needs to stop thinking of it as 'helping out.' its his home and his kids- there is no 'helping out' only doing his share!

I have only skimmed read but one suggestion I will make that is easier to implement.

Hand over full responsibility for "food" (ie supermarket) shopping and all cooking and meal planning to your DH. It means standing back when he cooks something you are not happy with etc.

Literally hand it over like it is nothing to do with you anyore. Don't rescue him when he forgets things or the meals are meh for days in a row. Expect him to provide you with food and meal plan for the evenings he isn't there etc.

I did this when I returned to work. It was revolutionary

We've spoken about the cleaning. He was on board until we began to look at our finance spreadsheet which is mainly his domain. I pointed out that a few items on the spresdsheet, he hadn't budgeted enough for. It was clear that it was going to be tight to hire a cleaner, so I asked him to reassess our gas and electric company by comparing online, to which he replied " we wouldn't have this issue if you weren't so set on getting a cleaner!"

It was like we'd never had the previous conversation about my need for a bit more down time! It was like he'd been on board fully and then wham! Not anymore.

I've also discovered that a certain amount of money we had agreed to put to one side for DS hasn't been put to the side each month either! When I questioned him, he said that he'd forgotten to 'go online and sort it out.' I lost the plot and told him he needs to grow up and accept his role as an adult in our family by pulling his weight seeing that our money isnt monopoly money its real life, we need to save for the future... he then started to hum over me incessantly until I walked out.

Look, you don't need a sodding spreadsheet to iustify the cleaner: just get one asap!

Moving sounds a bad plan when you have big relationship problems and health issues - that could be put on hold.

This could be me but working as full time teacher. Left my dh 6 months ago for the very reasons you have cited. Only regret was not doing sooner with regard to mental health and wellbeing.

Unfortunately, moving can't be put on hold as DS needs to be in the catchment area of the school we would like him to go to. We've put it on hold as long as we can.

Leaving DH would be an absolute final solution for me, as in many ways, he still makes me happy and is very thoughtful in other ways. The domestic issue is an ongoing saga, quite a common one from what I've was on MN and in the book "wifework." It's a case of finding a way to cope at the moment.

*from what I've read on MN

Lostmykeys: I don't know how you cope with full time teaching and DCS. Have you found the juggling act easier since leaving DH?

"he then started to hum over me incessantly until I walked out."

If I were to do this to DW, she would cave my head in with our biggest Le Creuset* frying pan. Especially since he's screwing the finances.

*yes, more than one.
**See Outnumbered for middle class DV injuries.

I reiterate, give him full responsibility for shopping and cooking and meal plan.

Say "I can't do it all anymore, you need to do this, I am not".

It is a huge chunk of mental work that you will be relieved of and unlike cleaning it's a bit less subjective. You all need to eat therefore he well do it to a reasonable standard!

If he can't see that saving money which is being spent unnecessarily on energy bills would help finance other stuff like a cleaner he's an absolute idiot.

Can you do the energy switch yourself? I know it's stupid and you shouldn't have to but it's really easy and might save a significant amount. Ditto all other insurances as they come up through the year.

My dh isn't good at all this so I do it myself. However, I do have a lot of paid help in other areas.

TBH he's not on board with you being unwell and you will have to look for and implement strategies and solutions for yourself. Don't ask, just do.

Matila: I'm currently sat assessing all our bills and analysing paperwork to sort all of this out. It infuriates me that I have to be on top of everything for it to be done well.

Randommess: I hear what you're saying re meal planning but I generally don't want to eat cheese on toast and frozen pizza for most of my life. DH cooks twice a week and usually something relatively healthy based on what I suggest/request. Our good diets would diminish left in DH'S hands. I like the idea of giving him something to be responsible for but finances or food isn't one of them. They are both too important to me to trust him with.

Sorry, I don't think it's about 'finding a way to cope'. It's about your lazy husband realising that he isn't doing his share of, well, anything.

WTF does he mean by 'if you don't want to' do the cleaning? Of course you don't want to. Very few people actually enjoy cleaning.

But as he has 'offered' to take on food shopping and cleaning, call his bluff. If he hasn't got everything on the list, why can't he go out and get it again? Is he really 'not doing a proper job' of the cleaning/gardening? If so, make a list of the things you do and hand it to him to do properly. Some of this is also about you handing over domestic responsibility. With a sigh of relief, I'd expect.

6 weeks ago, DH said that he would take on 50% of the cleaning, I listed every domestic Job and discussed what he could do, what I could do etc. He agreed. The first week went relatively well and then over the course of the 6 weeks it all deteriorated. My share too because I just feel like an idiot being the only one doing anything domestically productive, also I don't have time to do it and neither does he! I put this to him yesterday and still his reponose was " we can do it between us..." It's the same dizzy, non-productive merry-go-round. If I hand things over to him, his efforts gradually dissolve to nothing and it's back in my court again, trying to plan/think/organise/sort the shit out. I'm tired of being the only responsible adult; I want to stop thinking and have some fun.

He hummed over you?!

I consider STRESS a very serious issue.
And what you have is a number of smaller issues that really do need addressing.
When I am ill (diabetic) my dh is so caring, he goes all out to do whatever is needed. I think your dh is the core issue here.

The work issue- the parent issue is a minor problem, and easily addressed - it needs to be told to your supervisor and dealt with.

Getting some time to yourself and headspace is also easily done, once you just make a decision to do IT!!!!

Your dh, I think will be trickier!!

What is your husbands view / opinion of why you are off sick with stress?

He should be concerned, horrified and helping you to make all the necessary changes to address and get you back to work ASAP.

I don't think your issues are really serious enough to keep you off work. Most of them can be addressed relatively easily.

Hi Ludolooby, can identify with your Aldi situation - my dh similar, wants to shop there but they don't stock everything we need. He's trying to budget on everything which drives me mad and I go to Tesco cos it's nearer. But about stress....I think everyone has very specific individual thresholds and it's important to work out which types of stressful situations can get to us. I realised this a few years back and had to accept that I found certain aspects of my life were really stressing me out. I can usually cope with a fair amount of busy periods at work for example, but I find domestic stress like lots of family demands plus internet connection not working (for example!) made stress levels rocket! For me, it's the combination of different stress factors which have a big impact. Also, I had to accept that I need a lot of personal space away from thinking about the family. I don't mean weekends away, but just to remove myself from (what I experienced) as the oppression of Family Life. I put it in caps because, much as we love the darlings ...ahem.... I think there's a bit of brainwashing goes on in society about how much we're all meant to be blissfully fulfilled by the whole damn domestic set up. There's always that residual part of us yearning to just kick back and be our selves without being assigned to the role of partner or wife or mother or daughter as much as we do value the security of our families. I agree with Matilda about planning in relaxation activities. I also think it's worth looking at how much you truly feel you are "allowed" this relaxation. Sometimes we sabotage our own efforts because we feel guilty. I only say thus because I've done this and still do at times and can feel guilty for taking time out to relax. But it's so important in tackling stress. Hope you find a way through...

You need a "Boxing day" once a month. You put it in the calendar, tell dh that dc and house are HIS responsibilty that dayy. Then on that day, you wake up and do exactly what YOU FEEL LIKE DOING. Not things that have to be done, but whatever takes your fancy. If it is reading the paper, going to a cafe, or clearing out the loft if you feel the urge.

My dh was like yours. Didnt want a cleaner, but wouldnt do anything properly or regularly, so when he went away on scout camp for a week and i had ds on my own I realised there was less to do without him thete. When he came home i told him that. He looked really shocked. Then I told him we were getting a cleaner. He had had enough chances over the previous 5 years and i was quite literally sick of it.

I think you should just switch supplier yourself, use the money to get a cleaner and just tell him dont ask. And yy to internet shopping too. You could even write 4 weekly meal plans and have a set shopping list for each.

Someone on mn told her dh that she didnt believe he loved her. Because everytime he left something for her to save his free time, he was using up units of her life, and someone who loved her wouldnt do that. Another poster told her family to say fuck you myname everytime they left something out, or didnt put a plate in the dishwasher. If he doesnt address this, then sooner or later it will end the marriage. Theres an article online called something like she divorced me because i didnt load the dishwasher. Read it. Make him read it.