Please help me to explain to a lazy fecker one last time that I am not his nursemaid, personal assistant or his mother

[WantToKillHim]

You know the threads you read about lazy arses who think that looking after the house they live in and the children they fathered is something they can opt out of? I live with one of those lazy feckers. OH spends his spare time sitting on his arse while I do all the running round.

I've finally reached the end of my tether after countless arguments and discussions on the matter. These all run along the lines of me asking why he thinks it's fair that he should spend his time sitting on his arse while I do the housework, washing clothes, changing shitty nappies and the like. He replies that I hadn't told him that I wanted these things doing and that if I don't tell him he won't know to do them. In return I ask him whether he thinks some kind of magical scroll descends from the heavens with a list of jobs for me to do, and that as an adult he should be able to see what needs doing and fecking well do it. We're not talking rocket science here. He will comment on the smell coming from a dirty nappy but it doesn't seem to occur to him to get off his lazy arse and change the nappy. When I get pissed off he whinges "but you didn't tell me to change it".

So wise mumsnetters. Please help me get the following through his thick skull:

1- I should not have to tell him that lunch needs making, clothes need washing, the floor needs hoovering etc.

2- No-one gives me a list of things to do so why the feck should I waste my precious time writing a list out for him.

3- The children are equally his responsibility. If he didn't want to look after them then he shouldn't have decided to have them - they were all planned so no excuses there that it was an accident.

4 - I'm deadly serious when I say that if he doesn't want to pull his weight around the house and do his fair share then he can feck off and live somewhere else.

When I tell him these things even when calm I am apparently nagging. This is his last chance so please explain to him (as I am obviously failing) the above.

Ta very much.

Well, seeing as he's acting like a child, treat him like one...seems he is using YOU not telling HIM what to do as an excuse to do fuck all...so, tell him what you want doing. Surely saying 'can you change the nappy' is easier than doing it yourself then seeting with resentment for hours?

Oh, and I agree with with you about the 'who tells you to do things'...Blokes like this are the ones who, when you go out shopping and leave them with the kids, say that they are 'babysitting'...yes, their own kids.

Go away for the weekend.
Baptism of fire!

One good thing is that he is at least willing to do things IF he is uasked or told to. He's not saying 'its not my job to do lunch etc' so thats one plus.

But there isn't an excuse for such laziness.

Write a rough timetable of the day eg lunch is 12.30, washing up 6.30 etc write it in child like idiot proof language eg if you see a pile of dirty clothes put in machine, switch to quickwash, open door when finished and hang on clothes horse etc. laminate it and stick it on the wall.

Surely that would shame him into pulling his finger out. lazy sod.

there are some things you have to tell them. but equally there are some things that are obvious and its simply a cop out to say " oh i didn't know"

so if i were you - make it simple - write a list, put it on the back of the door. who has what responsability.

who cooks

then who washes the pots - surely not the person who cooks?

wash and iron your own clothes and on thursday and saturday its your responsability to wash some of the kids clothes. NB* the washing machine should be full - so dont be a shithead and just put your work shirt in if the washing basket is overflowing - use some commonsense.

you take the kids out on sunday.

you bath the kids mon wwed fri.

however i would sit together - make this a joint effort - say - look the chores ned splitting - i am wholeheartedly fucked off. your being a complete twonk and you hate me 'nagging' so you think i nag - i think your a lazy fucker - if we are to get anywhere lets just write down some responsabilities - lets discuss this list and updating it periodically.

that way its not you making a list commandant stylee - its a joint agreed approach.!

worth a shot - i actually do the chores list thing with my teenagers

BUT if i am goidn soemthign dh normallly does( liek takeht kids to an away rugby match) he woudl write a list for me

think tis claled beign helpful

Agree with Custy - if he needs to be told, set up a list of things that are his jobs, and he always has to do them, every day, so he doesn't need telling every day.

This has worked brilliantly for my DP. His jobs include doing the dishes and making the breakfast every morning, he must do all technology, computer and electrical-related tasks and ther hoovering, his own washing, do the recycling every tuesday, we cook alternate nights, and each get one lie-in at the weekend. (Other jobs are mine, eg washing DS's stuff, financial admin and changing beds.) Now that this is his routine and he knows what's expected of him, he does it - before, I used to nag him all the time and piss him off and still none of it got done, so I was permanently furious.

We also have a bit of a household discussion every night as soon as DS has gone to bed. We talk about anything extra that needs doing, eg cleaning the bathroom or cooker, and sort out who will do it. When we first set this all up and allocated the jobs, I built in this daily meeting so that that is officially when I tell him stuff, and he listend - then it's not nagging.

I know it all sounds very anal and like a military camp, but DP reacts to it so well. i also know that, essentially, it still boils down to me calling the shots because if he were left to his own devices he'd live in a pile of rotting takaways and never change his sheets. I've just come to accept that.