My closest friends have all implied I'm not in a good relationship and would appreciate your advice ?

[Tinkerbellx]

Ok about 15 months ago I met a lovely man . I was 2 years out of a v unhappy 25 year marriage . 4 DC . 2 left and independent . 2 at home FT aged now 13 and 6 .
I was in a good place and ready I think to date .
He was newly out of a 25 yr marriage . She had an affair something he would never tolerate . I think maybe it wasn't the first one either . He was being remarkably strong for himself and his 17 yr old daughter . He buried himself in his work which took him abroad a lot .
We just got on . Neither of us wanted a relationship because he was moving away , so we spent a few months just walking when he was in the UK and having delicious dinners and talking for hours.
We then fell for each other and had a wonderful romance .
He never once lied to me because all along his house was up for sale and he was relocating to live abroad where his work and new life would be .
At one point he almost didn't go .
I gave him my blessing as hard as it was ( I was very attached at this point ) and encouraged him to follow his dream / career etc.
I knew if he stayed for me it was too soon and looking back he was on the rebound .I also knew he needed time to get over the loss of his 25 year marriage . It's a huge adjustment whatever the circumstances .
Anyway his daily texts became less frequent and we saw much less of each other as the time for his relocation neared .
Again he never lied to me .
We had the occasional lovely night away and he would be just as happy walking by the river as jumping into bed so I always knew he wasn't just seeing me for that .
Unexpectantly this month having been in the UK a lot more recently business abroad has taken a dive and he's moving it back to the Uk .
That's changed things for us but by now I think he'd detached more than me.
So yesterday we had the conversation . I had a feeling he was going to end it and is just remain friends which we will always be .
I asked him straight out what he wanted . He can't commit to a ' relationship ' at the moment ., and actually I can totally get that . This lovely honest man I can see is actually struggling for the first time . His whole future has changed , again . His house has sold but he hasn't found a new place yet . He has to move everything back to the UK and find a place that meets specific requirements for his business and he admitted to being a bit overwhelmed .
He said he doesn't want to hurt me or lose me but just with everything that's going on and work he has so little free time .
I told him I cannot commit anyway to any man who wants to see me twice a week as I have a career and two children to bring up . It would drive me nuts .
We agreed on seeing each other when he could , to continue to have dinner , walks and the odd romantic weekend away with great sex and absolute trust and honestly as always .
He's not looking for anyone else and I believe him . He said he understands if I want out as he's so unavailable.

We parted agreeing that he's going to give me some dates as soon as he knows himself and well book a weekend city break and have something to look forward to .
I think this is a great new chapter for us . Yes of course I'd like a bit more from him but I can see where he is right now and he's been again totally honest .
What's worrying me is my friends .
They never usually give advice but all 3 have clearly told me " you can do better and he's messing you around ' .
I really respect their opinions because they know me so I worry they are seeing something I'm not because I'm blinkered ????
Yes I love him and he knows I think .
It's never been said .
I just know him and he's genuine , honest , and sorting out a lot of crap in his life ... if he committed to a full relationship he would give it 100% and he can't right now .
I feel this is a fairly healthy compromise but my friends think I'm selling my short ?
Mumsnet is usually a great place for honest advice so I am doing ok ?
Should I listen to my friends who feel it's not good for me ?
Sorry it's so long X

Super .... He's never behaved like that . He's just as happy having some time off and being with me really . He's always come good with plans and behaves like a gent always .
Lemon thanks I think your right when you say I'm trying to convince myself I don't want more , but I do have to remember we only found out this week he's staying in the UK and actually we both need to adjust to the possibility of a relationship which may actually now be a possibility never expected .
Time will tell but I'll see how the rest of the year goes .
I've already told him a few things I want from him ( like a plus one at two forthcoming dinners ) and he's fine with that so let's see !
i need to open my blinkers some though it seems and I will now try and take that on board .

As Maya Angelou put it “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” I think OP, if you can avoid making him a priority you might be OK. I don't think he's a bad person but I think there is an element of him using you. Or at least, it's all very convenient for him. If it's also convenient for you then fine. But tread very carefully. It's possible he'll meet someone else he does love, and suddenly he'll find the time for a relationship and you'll be very hurt. just my somewhat bitter experience there

You mention 'trust' and 'honesty' an awful lot in your opening post, OP. What makes you think he is so honest and that there is so much mutual trust in the relationship? It sounds as if you don't really know him very well, or play any significant part in his life. He has neatly boxed you off as an occasional FWB, but it doesn't sound like that is going to work at all for you. You will be hurt. If he loved you, or even cared for you as more than a FWB, he would make time. Not leave you waiting for a potential weekend slot in the future. He's not that busy.

They never usually give advice but all 3 have clearly told me

^This bit stands out for me. They don't normally interfere in your life, but the situation obviously worries them enough to speak to you about it. No, you shouldn't do something just because someone else says so, but they know you better than any of us and it doesn't ring true for them. You should certainly think very carefully about what they see in the relationship and in your reaction to it.

OP this man has a whole other life. You are just on the periphery. He could have at least one other relationship going on and probably does. Don't assume that because people tell you they are honest that is true, in fact quite the converse.

He's not really making any effort for you is he? I'm not hearing anything which is a real obstacle to him making space for you in his life.

Don't you want someone who puts you first in everything? I'm with your friends in this.

He is happy for you to fill his pants spare time until someone he's actually properly interested in comes along. Yes he has been honest enough to say you're really for him as a full-time girlfriend, and you're a FWB, quite far down the list of other priorities in his life above you - so he's too busy to see you most of the time. But are you taking in what he's saying there, or are you just hearing what you want to hear? I think you are wasting time with this guy and you will end up heartbroken when it finally sinks in that he doesn't think of you like you do of him.

*NOT really for him, sorry, typo.

But then again, OP, sounds like you don't actually have time for a proper relationship, so even if he offered more would you not want more? Just wondering if I'm understanding properly.

PPs are right - this man is happy with the situation as it is. And to be honest, it sounds as though you are too. You enjoy each other's company, in and out of bed, your timetables fit, there are no dodgy signs that he isn't exactly what he says he is. So where's the problem?

What would be the point of ending what seems to be a mutually enjoyable relationship because at some time in the future you may want more?
Enjoy it while you have it, and end it when you don't.
But still, don't put all your eggs in one basket!

doesn't sound like there's a problem here other than your friends seeming to think you want a relationship.

I think it depends on you and what you want for the future. If you are looking for a forever partner then I think this setup is very bad for you. If you are genuinely happy to spend your 60's/70's/80's alone then why not have some fun with this man now. But I do think he is having his cake. I assume he met other people when abroad? How do you feel about that?

The thing is OP that whilst you're engaging with this man, another guy - completely right for you - could pass you by and you're going to miss out because of being hung up on this one.

I strongly feel you should cut it off completely with this guy - who will ultimately hurt you when he finds someone he really is into - get your grieving period over, so you're emotionally available for someone else.

This has doom written all over it.

No way is he ready for a relationship after 25 yr relationship/split and a home and business to sort nor does it sound like he wants one but he is being dishonest by hiding behind his 'busy life.' Everyone's busy - if you're really into someone, you make time and you value them enough to call it a relationship, not treat like them some ever-ready shag on the side when you fancy it. He is using you.

Is your self esteem so low that you'll wait around for him to 'give you dates' he's free then you'll jump to it? You are already working around him but you're not even in a relationship together? That is co-dependence and you should examine why you think it is ok for you to be treated like this. You are not some desperate saddo waiting by the phone for him to be at a loose end and nothing better to do so he phones you for sex/dinner/walk and you go running. That says your life is empty and you'll always be available to him. People will treat you how you let them treat you.

To him, you're a shag on the side until something better comes along. He won't admit to looking or keeping his options open but that's what he is doing. Sorry to be blunt but that's the reality.

He is effectively telling you his time and his needs are more important than yours and he's terribly busy and important and you're not and can jump to his command anytime. It's not your problem that he's got no stability in his work or housing, neither should you compromise your life to fit around someone who openly offers you no commitment. Fuck that. He is taking the piss royally.

Walk away before you get in deeper and get really hurt. You deserve so much better. You are not someone's commodity to be used at their command and to plug the gap while they get through the rebound phase and sort the fallout from their old life.

Instead of him telling you he doesn't want a relationship, you tell him, you don't want one with someone who thinks it's ok to treat you this way and either it's a relationship or nothing. And why would you want to be 'friends' with him?

Don't mistake 'honesty' for treating you like a mug. Just because someone has the brass front and thinks it's ok to tell you upfront that they plan to treat you like a mug and see if you'll wear it, does not make it ok.

Tighten up your boundaries. Be unavailable when he calls to offer you a crumb of his precious time. Be genuinely busy because you have a life and plans and goals of your own.

No relationship, no sex, no dates. Don't fall for the friends with benefits routine, that's not what you want.

And start dating other people, you owe him nothing, no loyalty, no explanations, no commitment.

Save your sanity and walk away.

If you're fine with a casual FWB then great. But clearly you're not or else you wouldn't be posting on here.

Get busy doing other things so you're not so available, hobbies, sports whatever. I think you should start dating other men too and not be so at his beck and call or you are going to be one very unhappy lady. Have you ever said "No I can't see you on Saturday or whatever as I'm too busy" or do you say yes to everyone of his suggestions?

For all you know he could be dating other women too.

What was his relationship history whilst he was working abroad?

I don't think he's messing you about as such in the sense of transparency - clearly that is there, but I see what I think your friends mean.

Think of this situation kind of like employing someone cash in hand. Like taking someone onto your payroll who is a good worker but you don't want to commit to paying them a pension. He's the employer. He could effectively 'sack' you at any time because it doesn't work for him. It's potentially dangerous - for someone to fall in love and get very hurt.
it's mutually beneficial to a point but you can't get anything more from him if you want or need it, so it's emotionally risky and unstable. The person who could be left hurt the most is you. He's warned you so you have your eyes wide open, this means you don't really have much room for negotiation or compromise. He can also leave at any point, blame free. That door is always open for him if things are hard.

Your friends want better for you that's all. They see you love him and they want someone to love you back in the way you deserve.

At the same time I don't think he's a bad person, just one that many women would not feel happy to invest emotionally. I wouldn't and I don't see many others agreeing. I know that's not what you want to hear

Thank you all really .
Hazel and Nibea , his relationship history is that he hasn't and doesn't want to see anyone else . I know it sounds like I'm blinkered but I know him well enough to be confident he really hasn't seen anyone else . He worked 18 hour days 7 days a week most days a week abroad and told me over here his friends were shocked he took any time off to see me because it's not something he normally does .
We've both come out of a 25 year marriage and never had a relationship with anyone else since we were 17 apart from each other so it's been a journey together really . The big difference is I was 2 years single and he was 2 months out of his marriage.
I have been on quite a few dates as we decided to be exclusive until Christmas when we initially thought he'd relocate . I've dated a few nice chaps and I told him last week but also told him honestly that it was just dinner . He hasnt dated anyone else ever .
Truthfully ..... He needs more time to readjust to the loss of his marriage regardless of his ex . I know more than anyone . On top of that he is now working between here and abroad trying to relocate back to UK and it's not anywhere near its UAE .
I think maintaining a full on relationship would be no fun for either if us right now . What we both NEED is a bit of light relief from what we're both having to sort ( both exes have no input with children / divorce / house sale Ect ) and to actually manage a weekend off is so flippin fantastic !
I just didn't want ti think too deeply to be fair ... Just enjoy the here and now and with a man I trust .
If it turns into more in a couple of years I would love that but he might not be for me anyway .
For the few who think he's using me for plug in bedroom antics we have not slept together for months ..... It's mostly hand holding / kissing and just talking over dinner because with both of us having never been with anyone since the age of 17 we are actually still extremely nervous .... But it's getting a lot better !
I'm opening my eyes a bit more now though really and thank you for that . I really do appreciate your messages
Nivea I am busy elsewhere .
I'm planning a fundraising trip to The Congo and have a fabulous group of friends who I regularly see .
I swim every day I can and am studying on top of work and enjoying all 4 DC .
sorry for long post ! X

Well Tinker it sounds like you are fine with it, so tell your friends to butt out, maybe they are concerned about you getting hurt and are being protective.

I have a friend who for various reasons is in a similar relationship but she has her eyes wide open. I hope you do too and don't fall too hard if it all goes pear shaped. Take care

My friend had a relationship like this. He was very open and honest - he didn't want a relationship, he'd just got out of one and he was planning on using his spare time to devote to his new business. He too was too busy to commit to much, and just out of an abusive relationship, she didn't want much either. Except after a few months, she realised she did. His story remained the same: he liked her company - and no, it wasn't all about sex, they had a mutual love of films and drinking - and she thought it might be more than that. Except when he was saying it was okay for her to sleep with other people "but I don't want to, and he doesn't want to either"...well, maybe not to start with, but six months later, he's now in a proper relationship with another woman who is now pregnant. I'm not saying your situation is the same by any means, but just because someone says something, and even acts like it's what they want, it doesn't mean it is always going to be like that. And if you love him I think you're going to find it harder and harder to accept this the longer it goes on.

The guy has no intention towards you OP, he's been saying it for long enough, if you are happy to be available for him when he feels like it then go ahead, it's not a relationship I would want, if a man wants you, you know it, sorry but it sounds like you will do for now.

Sorry to be blunt but honestly, raise your game and find a man that can actually give you something in return, it's no bonus that he's not wanting you just for sex, he's certainly not worried about any other man getting to you is he, says it all really.