Really need some advice before I drive myself crazy. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my marriage or whether I'm blowing everything out of proportion.
Quick background - met aged 21, two children by age 27, married at age 28. I'm now in my 40s. Moved away from my family and friends after first child born to move to dh home town. Was never 100% about dh before ds born but decided it was the right thing to do and make the most of our little family.
Once I moved in with dh it all started to change. There were a lot of really good days when we got on really well, laughed and enjoyed each other's company, there still is but over the years there have been times where it's like walking on egg shells, he'd punch doors if he got angry enough and as ds has got older he's become verbally abusive to him a lot and to me and dd at times. When the kids were younger he wouldn't help at night because he worked in London and had long days and I was a sahm. He'll do the garden and the occasional chore around the house but he's never cleaned a bathroom in 20 years.
My confusion comes because we get on really well the majority of the time but when it's bad it seems really bad. He's never hit me or dd but he's threatened ds and I've had to intervene. He calls him names and constantly criticises, but if I challenge his behaviour then I'm undermining him and criticising. He hates the fact that he feels ganged up on but I feel we do this because we've had to. He's controlling in a subtle way. I want a tattoo but it has to be right so it's taken me years to choose, he hates tattoos says they look trampy and that if I get one I will be a bad influence in the kids but when challenged about that by dd he said your mum can do what she wants but she knows my feelings! How to confuse a girl!
When I read the lists of abusive behaviour I don't seem to fit into them but I still feel dh shouting and name calling is abusive some how. Then there is the sex, I really have no interest but he has a high sex drive, if we don't have sex every three days or so he gets really snappy and I feel obliged. He feels unloved if we don't have sex, which I fully understand. However, he's been known to steal the duvet because I didn't want sex.
I am quite cold with him, I want sex to be over with quickly and I very rare,y tell him I love him but I feel that this is because of years of walking on egg shells over whether he'll snap at me or the kids.
It all seems really petty when I write it down but it's a lot of little things over a long period of time. I feel like getting out! I feel like I'm changing and moving away from what I would normally put up with but then I feel bad feeling like this when all is going well. 